Wedding Blues

So we've been engaged now for a few months and we've started on making plans and booking things. It seems so daunting at times. We're both pretty organized and pretty efficient about things, but sometimes it feels like there is a never ending list of things left to do.

At least the dress is done. It has a surprising element that even I didn't know I wanted until I tried it on. And my mother. She cried. How could it not be the dress when your mother cries? It seems so cliche but it was true. She didn't cry for any other dress. Just that one.

And here we go. I hope you enjoy this bumpy ride with me.

And so he asked me

Saturday October 3rd, we ran around the city for Nuit Blanche, looking at works of art throughout the city. We had just finished an incredible dinner at the Sultan's Tent for our 2nd anniversary.

Late Sunday morning he put the little blue box with the white ribbon on top of the bed.

And so he asked me.

And I said yes.

the trouble with sedatives

My dog, Spencer, had surgery yesterday. Poor little guy. He had three suspicious cysts removed from his body. I was told that he would be noodle-like when I got him home. Instead, I got erratic, uneven breathing, eyes rolling backward into his head, and he was completely unresponsive to his favourite words... walkies, cookie, Fenway (his friend next door), Oakville, grandma, grandpa and car. Nothing, not even clapping my hands or lifting him up by the collar could wake him up.

As I held his head on my lap in the backseat of my car on the way to the animal hospital, all I could do was talk to him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. I couldn't lose him, I wouldn't lose him in the backseat of my car.

All of my memories with him came flooding back to me on the 20 minute drive. The day I brought him home from the SPCA. I had gone in to adopt a different dog, saw him, and took him right on the spot instead. I remembered all of the times of disobedience. I remembered all the moments of scolding him for stealing food on the table. I swear, sometimes I think he just licks the top of whatever is on the table so that I would HAVE to give it to him. I remembered all the animal trainers and the two behaviourists that were enlisted to try to make him a friendlier dog (didn't really work). I love him just the way he is, and in the backseat all I could think was, "dear God, please don't take my dog, please don't take my friend."

I carried my limp dog into the animal hospital and the reaction I got was NOT what I was expecting. He bolted for the door and tried to escape. Like a drunkard, he wobbled to and fro, his legs were crossing each other as he tried to push himself through walls and smashed his nose into the door in order to save himself. No. My dog was not going to die. Clearly the animal hospital is Spencer's smelling salt.

It turns out that he is just incredibly sensitive to sedation. The vet wanted him to stay in and recover but seeing as I was told that he was absolutely fine, I opted to take him home for his recovery. I figured if this was the reaction I was getting from what I thought was a dead dog, this was not the place for him to peacefully recover.

He slept in the car all the way home. He slept most of the night. He slept all afternoon today. He now wears a navy blue Gap t-shirt in order to prevent him from scratching the surgical areas. I took pictures...yes, it is humiliating for a dog to wear a t-shirt and I am pretty sure he hates it.

I cried all night. It was such an emotionally draining day. He is my first dog and I just cannot imagine how it would feel to lose him. I know he's not immortal and one day he will have to go, but yesterday was not that day. We get so attached to our pets. They are family to us. They are an integral part of our lives and occupy a deep place in our hearts.

I got a small taste of what it might be like when the day comes for me to have to say goodbye to Spencer. I didn't like it one bit.

I may be covered in fur today, but it is absolutely worth it and I am completely happy.

Remembering the simple things I love

Lately life seems to be incredibly complicated. Bills, jobs, loves, ghosts of the past, the list seems endless. It is so easy to drown in the quagmire of all that is. In an effort to keep myself afloat, I try to remember the simple things in life that make me smile.

the smell of fresh cut grass
walking my dog
waking up in the morning with my cat purring on my chest
eating a piece of vanilla cake
the way it feels when the person you love squeezes your hand in a crowd of people
laughing so hard that you cry
getting a phone call from a dear friend
eating a piece of delicious cheese
watching a great movie
ordering chinese food with a great friend
feeling the warm sun on my face
hearing the birds singing
crawling into bed after a long day of work, knowing you will be asleep soon
listening to the sound of my nephew's voice
dancing around my house

It is easy to feel like you are drowning. It is harder to remember the things that keep you afloat.

when ghosts come haunting

Sometimes out of the blue it hits me
and I realize
I miss you.

Remember playing in the snow in New York?
Remember wandering around Carmel?
Remember eating sushi in Portland?

we could smell anarchy at the coffee shop around the corner.
we laughed so hard in the face of danger, tears rolled down our faces.

I can still smell the Atlantic Ocean breeze in Ocracoke.
I can still smell the Pacific Ocean breeze walking along the Embarcadero.
I can still smell the Gulf breeze blowing through the jeep.

You were my best friend.
You were my heart.

I hope you are well.

Sometimes out of the blue it hits me
and I realize
I miss you.

Tobermory, July 2008

This past weekend was a very special weekend for me. I went up to Tobermory with my "diving family" this weekend to earn my Advanced Open Water certification.

My diving family is incredibly special to me. They have opened up their hearts to me and shared a love of sport and a sense of oneness that is incredibly rare these days.From Friday to Sunday, we ate, drank, talked, played, slept and dove together.

Sunday morning, we lost a member of our family, Craig, to an incredibly unfortunate accident. The worst part was seeing him 300ft from our boat and unable to do anything for him, except sit and watch as the Coast Guard took him away.I only knew Craig for a short time but he left an indelible mark. His quiet and strong personality resonated with me. I will not ever forget the moments we shared on the boat as he would make fun of me, or when we stood there on deck with our eyes closed, staring at the sun, or watching him get suited up. I wish everyone could have all been fortunate enough to meet Craig and been blessed with his presence in their life. It was a sad weekend but it made me realize how important my friends and family are to me. Life is short. You never know what is going to happen. Don't forget to live each moment to the fullest and never take anybody in your life for granted.

My last words to Craig were, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you." He said, "What, old?" I said, "No, I want to grow a mustache just like yours!" I hope he still finds that funny from where he is tonight.

I'll take friends for $2000, Alex...

I love my friends and I don't know where I would be without them. For years I lived in another province, away from my friends and family. You never know how much you miss them, or how much they mean to you until you're far away. Time and distance determines the nature of your friendship. I have had so many fall away, as we have picked up and moved from city to city, province to province, country to country. But those true friendships have survived both time and distance.

Celebrate those friendships in your life.