Dearest k

Dearest k,

I don't know how many times I've jumped when the phone rang today.  Then I remembered you were gone.  It's just as well though that you're gone, because the phones here all went dead. Every phone in the house is out.  So even if you were here, I couldn't talk to you.

So I'm just sitting here at 12:11am listening to the cheezy station.  It starts getting really cheezy after 12:30, so we'll have to wait a little for me to match the radio station.  For some reason I always feel extremely cheezy when I've been away from you for awhile.  It's probably withdrawal.  I just dropped you off 24 hours ago.  I'm really glad I got to spend some time with you.  I always look forward to seeing you.  Any time I can, I want to see you, so don't bother asking if I want to.  Just tell me where and when.  I'll be there if at all humanly possible.  I'm really sorry about last night.  You weren't enjoying yourself too much were you.  I'm sorry.  I should have made the evening more special for you, as it is one of the few times we get to spend together.  I love you so much, and I want to do whatever it takes to make you happy. I feel like I failed miserably at that last night though.

Tell me, what can I do to make you really really happy?  I'll do anything for you.  I'm sorry that I make you cry all the time.  I don't mean to.  It just breaks my heart to know that I'm the reason you're crying. I'm glad I was there to hold you though.  If I'm gonna make you cry, I want to hold you while you do it.  I want to hold you, comfort you, protect you, and keep you warm. I want to make you feel safe and comfortable.  Most of all I want to make you feel loved. I really do love you and I want you to know that, not just because I tell you. I want it to be obvious to you in everything I do or say.  I want you to feel it in every touch of my hand, in every hug and in every kiss.  That's what I want to do, whether or not I've been successful I don't know, I hope I have.  I just want to make you feel the way you make me feel.

I can see the love in your eyes.  I can feel it when you hug me.  When you hug me, a wave of warmth comes rushing over me.  No one else can do that.  Do you know how special you make me feel?  You make me feel like I'm standing on top of the world.  I don't think you could possibly understand how much I love you because of the clumsy way I go about showing it. I just want to do right by you and give you some times you'll always remember.  I want you, when you're 85 and sitting on the swing on the front porch of your cabin looking out across the lake, to be able to think back and know that you were loved by a skinny, little, awkward boy who talked funny.  I know I'll always remember you and the way you love me.

Goodnight my love, and wherever you are, I hope you're warm and safe.  I wish you were here though, so I had another chance to show how much I love you.

lovingly,
J

girls ruin things for other girls

I recently read a post written by a girl, basically listing items that she thinks is important that guys knew.  The list included the usual suspects like girls like flowers, we like surprises, if you start doing this nice thing once...you'd better keep on doing it....yadda yadda yadda.

What upset me about this post is that it is the typical list of what a guy should do/be if he lived in a chick-flick-romance or rom-com movie.  Ugh.  I love a good rom-com as much as the next Meg-Ryan-Tom-Hanks-loving-sap (I do, seriously) but to hear one more girl spew about how she wished that her guy or the guy she is currently dating would do things that she could brag to her friends about so they'd be jealous, or how he would plan elaborate nights for her (and then keep planning them in their future to surprise her, so then of course she could brag to her girlfriends) is absolutely the stupidest thing I have ever heard. 

I will most likely get in trouble with a whole ton of girls out there for saying that this is exactly why guys run away from girls like that and why you screw it up for the rest of us girls who don't pressure guys to live up to the romantic movie expectation.

When a guy makes special plans for me, spends all day, week, month planning it out, I enjoy the evening for what it is and I enjoy the effort for what it is.  I don't tell him how great this is and that I'd better see more of it in the future.  On the flip side, if we're sitting together and he asks me what I want to do for dinner, I don't tell him that making reservations would have impressed me a lot more than asking me where I want to go.  Why can't girls just enjoy the moment?  Why can't they just appreciate what he has done at that moment in time, and enjoy being there without letting thoughts of "how am I going to spin this to my girlfriends or word this posting on facebook so that everyone is jealous of me".  Is that what is important to you?  Do you really want to pressure the guy into thinking that the only way to keep you is to make elaborate plans, "spontaneously" every two months in order to keep your interest? 

Of course other famous requirements for being a good boyfriend included bringing flowers, text messaging or calling to let the girl know he has had a random thought about her and wanted her to know, following that string of thought speaking to her is required every day because a few times a week is not enough, whatever he did at the start of the relationship to impress her must be carried on throughout the duration of the relationship, holding her in the middle of an argument, getting rid of body hair, having a career she can brag about to her friends and a whole lot of other stuff.  If I were a guy, I would turn around the run the fuck out of there because this is a crazy girl bomb just waiting to happen.

Don't get me wrong, I love flowers and messages telling me that someone thought of me and having romantic conversations every day.  I'm not going to make veiled threats to someone that they'd better do these things or else.  Believe it or not, some guys will actually do these things on their own.  Seriously. These are things that some guys eventually do if they are not pushed. Seriously.  This isn't a lie, they will do it.  Just don't make it one of the commandments for being with you.

Turn the tables around for just one moment ladies....

THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU MUST DO TO BE WITH ME

1.  wax please.  we hate it when you let yourself go. not all body hair is sexy.
2.  you have to do things in bed that I can tell my friends about later, so please do your best to make it impressive
3.  once you start doing impressive things in bed, you must continue, and escalate the level of impressiveness
4.  don't start out being one way and then a few weeks later become godzilla.  if you're going to start behaving one way at the start of our relationship, then I should never ever see godzilla since the start of our relationship was the real you
5.  men like to be left alone from time to time.  don't take it as an insult if we don't want to see you.  I may give in the first time you pout and whine, but trust me, it will wear thin.
6.  if you don't want me to tell my friends what you look like naked and all the dumb ass shit you do, then don't tell all of your friends about my slip ups and then expect me to try to "make up for it" so you can tell them what I have done later to make it up to you
7.  you keep telling us that you don't like to play games and you don't like it when guys do.  if that's the case, then when you answer "everything's fine" to the question "what's wrong", and expect me to fix it, that's a game.  Just tell me what the hell is wrong, what I have done and then we can have a conversation from there
8.  you get pissed off when I am late to pick you up, same courtesy applies when you're an hour late because you don't know what to wear, even though you've been getting dressed in your mind all day
9.  when I do something nice for you, enjoy it.  Don't start putting new expectations on me about how I must constantly spend the rest of my life to "one up" myself. That just ruins the moment, ruins the surprise, and makes me never want to plan anything for you ever again.
10.  stop playing the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde role.  don't get all happy  because I bought you something, then pout 10 seconds later because it "wasn't the one that you pointed to in the window", then yell at me because I wasn't paying attention, give me a lesson on how to pay attention including making mental notes every time you say how much you like that colour/flower/jewelry/sweater/restaurant/puppy, tell me to make up for it next time I surprise you with a big night on the town including reservations and an over night hotel stay, and then look at me and smile to say you love what I gave you.  That shit is just crazy and makes me want to run the hell away from you. 

So this is my top 10 of what I would think if I were a guy.  Trust me, there would be more because there is a TON of shit women do that drive me out of my mind.  I am not saying that I have never played these games, but you have to learn when to stop. I wish girls would just get out of their own way, open their eyes, and see the guy that is right in front of them and appreciate him for who he is.  I'm not saying that all guys turn into Prince Charming, because they don't. Some are keepers and some are not.  But there is a lid for every jar.   

Not all girls play games.  For those of you that do, good God stop telling the world that we're all like you!

Dearest k

Don't think for a minute because we're not together, that I'm not thinking about you.

It's seems like it's been so long since we first kissed. I remember that whole day like it happened five minutes ago, but we've come so far since then.  I would never have believed that we'd be here.  I'd of never believed that I would grow to love you so much.  I want to thank you for the best time of my life.  There's been good and bad but through it all, I know you loved me and that makes it all worthwhile. I have so many good memories of time spent with you.  I only hope I will have more in the future.  If it was up to me, I would, 'cause I'd keep you around for a long time.  I hope that wish comes true.  I hope you do stick with me for a long time.  No one has ever made me feel the way you do, and nobody has ever made me want to return this wonderful feeling.  I've shared these last * months of my life with you and they've been so incredible. I want to share the next * months of my life with you (at least).  I can only imagine how good they'll be.  My love for you grows stronger each day.  I can't wait to see what it feels like after another * months.  Here's to the last *, the best of my life, and here's to many, many more in the future.  May they be better than the last.  I know they will if I've got you.  Je t'aime beaucoup, ma jolie femme.

Love,
J

where did all the smart ones go?

Tomorrow is my last day working at my job.  It wasn't a career or anything, just a job,  I'm the girl who took your prescription, put it through your insurance plan, took the stock bottle off the shelf, counted them out, slapped the label on, had the pharmacist go over it, and gave it back to you with a smile.  That's me.  Until the end of tomorrow, that's me.
So I had to train this new girl to start working upon my departure.  OMG.  You know when you meet people and you just want to smack them?  Not because they said something to you that was so insulting or anything, but just because of WHO THEY ARE?  To be fair, I liked her in the beginning. I thought she was a little too chirpy, I thought she sang along way too damn much with the radio that plays all day long, and I thought she was pretty fake.  But as long as she stood out of my way, I was okay with that.  Just let me show you what your job entails, let me help you understand it as best you can while I am here, and then you're off to the races.

I am not sure how she ever managed to answer a telephone at home since she can't answer a telephone at work.  I don't know how she managed to remember a phone number, a person's name, or what she has to do on a daily basis since she can't remember something someone asked her a second ago before the words, "let me go check" came out of her mouth.  Sometimes I wonder if she's even thinking when she is working.  How do people like this get by in the world?  She doesn't even remember people's names....but don't worry about that since most prescriptions have their names on it...but don't use any common sense to actually read it so you can remember their name.  How does someone totally forget what happened 3 seconds ago when asked about "Who handed you this prescription?" Apparently it just came out of thin air. 

But boy does she like to make it look like she owns the place. She has NO IDEA what goes on but she loves to act like she owns the whole damn place.

Oh, and she likes to touch people.  She is forever rubbing my back or touching my arm or giving me a little squeeze.  Don't touch me.  I don't know you.  You don't know me.  My personal space bubble is about two feet all around me and so, I don't think your dirty little hands should be near me.  I don't like being touched by people I don't know, and I certainly don't like being touched by people who annoy the hell out of me.

And this little girl has a hot hot temper with a wicked angry streak running right up the middle of her.  WOO HOO!  She laid into me one night and I think it angered her that I didn't really react back.

But you know what?  Tomorrow is my last day!  Woo hoo last day, last day, last day!!!!  And I will never have to listen to her whiny fake overly sugary voice again.  I will never have to deal with her Jekyll and Hyde personality (it was kind of starting to get crazy).  I will never again have to cringe when all common sense goes out the window and she says something that makes me wonder how she got her shoes on the right feet that day. 

You know, who is the fool now?  I spent this post thinking about her and devoting time and energy into thinking about her.  Damn.  She wins again...

Hey J

You know, I said things to you tonight that I didn't think I would ever say.  It never ceases to amaze me how much I tell you, and how compelled I feel to tell you these things.  Why is that?  I can't even answer that one myself.

You asked me how you forget somebody. I don't know.  For years I have tried to forget about someone.  It hasn't been easy.  Every corner I turn in ***, every place I go to, and even the quiet places that I used to visit haunt me with unwelcome memories.  They're not unwelcome because they weren't good memories;  they're just unwelcome because they're ones that I would like to forget.  The answer to that one is to move.  Just like you have.  Just like I have.  But what you do not do is invite this person to come and see you at your new location!  That sucks.  So now, in *****, I go around to certain places and I am reminded of things I don't want to be reminded of.  The older ones as easier to forget because I don't live there anymore.  But I live in this city now, and I invited my ghost to come and visit.

So you go further.  You go somewhere, where you know this person will never be.  And it works.  You meet people.  You do things that you have only imagined doing in your wildest dreams.  You find somebody who is so incredible that it blows your mind.  P**** is the first person I have been with since you that has made our memories fade and almost disappear.  When I am with him, you don't even exist (except that you do).  Wanna know something funny? That scares the hell out of me.  Nobody could come that close to what I wanted in a mate.  Yeah, I have commitment issues.S keeps telling me that I should just tell P that it isn't going to happen the way he thinks it's going to happen.  It scares me that he has invested so much in me already, and in the back of my mind, I already know that I am not going to stay with him.  I came back from my sabbatical knowing full well that I was over this "thing".  It was done, and I was happy.  I was focused.  I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I knew exactly where I was going and what I would be doing.  And I was really hung up on P, even though I decided all of this.  Ironically enough, I wanted to share it with you.  So I called.

You are definitely a lot more fun to be with than you used to be.  I have a great time when I am with you.  I miss you when you leave.  When I see something, I want to share it with you. I feel this way because you just know what I am thinking about when I am looking at something or talking about something.  I don't know how you do that, but you have always been able to do that.  When I saw you again, it threw me for a loop. It still does.  I never let my guard down when I am with you.  I am never fully relaxed. I never say the things that I want to say. I never do the things that I want to do. I never talk about the things that I want to tell you about.  I never show you the things that I want to show you. I never completely show you the person that I have become.  I did that once.  I got completely burned.  The sad thing is, I think you'd really enjoy hanging out and just being with me.  I think you would really like the person that I have become.

I don't think that I am saying that I'm still ... God, I can't even find the words.  I am not hanging onto the memory of somebody that once was.  At least I don't think I am.  The funny thing is, I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this aspect of my life.  I look at the way I treated C.  And I just threw it carelessly over my shoulder, because at that moment, I was too busy chasing ghosts.  And it was good for awhile, then it wasn't.  Hindsight is showing me that maybe I should have worked harder to make that one work.  I gave him up to see you again.  He's better off without me.  I know that.

I don't know why I am writing all this to you.  Maybe I'm just tired of being so confused about everything. I will always yield a little more to you than to anybody else.  And you know that.  And you use that.  I want to be with you.  And you know that.  And you use that.  I think I want to be with you, but then at times I am so angry I know I don't want to be with you again.  I don't even know how you're feeling about me.  How ironic that the only person who knows me well enough to help me with this is you, and the problem.... is you.

What I know for sure is that there is somebody out there waiting for me.  What I don't know is how to let them in once I get to them because of the thrill of the chase of the ghosts that slip through my fingers when I finally catch them ... leaving me with nothing but air to hold....

Cinderella Syndrome

When I have a little girl, I want her to read fairy tales and love the idea of having a romance that is so big and true that it will last forever.

When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she is strong enough to rescue herself.  She doesn't need a man for that. 

When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she is beautiful, and not because she "fits the images in magazines" or because people tell her 2 seconds after meeting her how pretty she is.  I want her to know that she is beautiful because she is good, has charisma, is intelligent, and has an open and loving heart.

When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants, have whatever job/career she wants to do, live however she wants to live, dress whoever she wants to dress.

When I have a little girl, I want her to live her life in full colour, I want her to laugh out loud, I want her to dance in the streets, I want her to love freely, I want her to live out every single one of her adventures.

When I have a little girl, I want her to have everything she ever wanted.

When I have a little girl...will the world be ready for her?

hard girl

The music was blaring on the radio and through the open windows as I sat there in the car driving home from Dallas, after having my heart broken. It was heavier than lead, but I still couldn't help but smile as the sun was shining into my car, warming up the left side of my face.  249 miles down and an eternity of driving after that before I could collapse into my bed.  Home seemed so far away and I was already tired of driving.

I pulled off the road for gas, cigarettes and lime tic-tacs.  As I made my way back to the car, I lit one up, throwing the crumpled paper onto the hot black asphalt.  Each drag just solidified all the crap that I was feeling;  never mind the accomplishments for the year, including being called and landing a job any idiot would envy.  Any idiot but this one was what I was thinking as I lit up my second cigarette.

I could feel myself hardening with each deep breath of smoke I took.  Fuck it.  Let him have that Betty-Crocker-June-Cleaver-fucking-only-on-Sundays kind of bitch.

I'm done.