My all time passion...CAKE!

So when we got married, unlike other girls, what was most important to me (other than our guests having a good time and trying to stay within our ridiculously extravagant budget) was the dress cake.  Seriously.  It was all about cake.

For those who know me, they know that I love cake.  I will go to a supermarket and buy a whole birthday cake, carrot cake, red velvet cake, whatever cake and ask them to put happy birthday on the top.  I'll stealthily take it home, and cut one delicious slice, and eat it with a cup of tea.  Yup.  I love cake THAT MUCH. 

Clearly, the wedding cake would be something that I would pick with extreme thought and careful consideration.  It didn't take long for me to know that I wanted it to be from Dufflet in Toronto.  If you have never been to Dufflet, it is a sweet sweet dreamy place filled with all things yummy (both sweet and sometimes savory).  The wedding cake was definitely coming from there.

One thing that I was staunch about since the beginning was that there was to be NO FONDANT.  Yes, I know, fondant makes a wedding cake "look" so pretty and you can have so many pretty designs and so many fancy-schmancy looking cakes with it, but I'm a girl who is all about eating cake.  I don't eat fondant, no matter what flavour you tell me it is.  If you have a fondant cake that you think would change my mind, please let me know.  I will gladly try to let you convince me otherwise about fondant. 

Cake should be a sinful pleasure that you partake of whenever possible (twice a month?? plus a gym membership?).  I wanted my wedding cake to be delicious, so Dufflet and no fondant.  Dufflet has a great selection of cakes covered on the outside with buttercream frosting (or fondant too for those who want it).  Not only do they look amazing, but they taste AMAZING!  We chose a very simple cake with a simple design on the outside of the buttercream frosting.  Three tiers, the first was golden (yellow pound cake with fresh strawberries inside), the second tier was mocha, and the third tier was carrot.  I simply adore carrot cake and Dufflet makes an amazing carrot cake.  Another plus?  It freezes really well, so we should still be able to enjoy it by our first year anniversary.

And to top it all off....tah dah!  Mr and Mrs Potatohead.  What?  They're legally married, I mean, they are Mr and Mrs, aren't they?  They can be on our cake without any repercussion of having only a common law couple or having God strike us down for putting heathens on our cake, or strangers on our cake for that matter.  Besides, they were toys from his childhood and everybody loves potatoes, don't they? 

Anyway, our cake was absolutely DELICIOUS.  Not a piece of fondant in sight, but lots of delicious golden cake with strawberries.  We chose a smaller cake as our dinner came with chocolate mousse for dessert, or a trio of fruit sorbets for the lactose intolerant bride. 

So, whatever people say about how fabulous your wedding cake should be, ask yourself the question, what is more important to you, looks or taste?  I am not saying you have to sacrifice one for the other, as underneath that beautiful fondant you can have an amazing tasting cake, but decorating with fondant increases the price of your wedding cake rather steeply.  Since I hate fondant, the choice for us was easy.  And since my new hubby didn't care what the cake was covered with, as long as he got to eat some, it was a win-win solution for us.

my head is swimming with thoughts

I got married 10 days ago and although most of my house has been cleaned up, little bits of the wedding, wedding planning items, wedding bills, wedding gifts and cards are still lingering from table to shelf to fireplace mantle. 

As the days go on, I am going to attempt to share with you everything that was happening during the whole thing.  I wanted to blog as I went along during the process, but it seems as though when I am in planning mode, writing just takes a back seat.

In the meantime, let me tell you....I am IN LOVE with my new toaster.  I chose it (I really don't think the new hubby cared what the new toaster looked like as long as it toasted his bagels for breakfast) because I really like Breville's Die cast  four slice smart toaster.  Can we say I am in toast heaven?

I gingerly took the new toaster out of the box, careful not to scratch the brushed stainless steel as I peeled away the styrofoam protection.  It was beautiful.  We chose the model that makes four slices side by side versus two slices per side.  We thought it would be easier that way to make a single slice if need be.

I plugged it in and the LED lights glowed a soft whitish blue light.  It turns itself off after 30 seconds, but if you choose to, you slide control from levels one to five and that same soft white light will travel from level one to wherever you set it as your toast browns gently inside its' belly.  Wow.  Oh, but the best part, you put your slice of toast into the toaster and push the toast button, and get this, it gently gets lowered into the toaster as it gets warmed to your preferred toast-y level. 

There are some options that just tickle me with delight, and one of those buttons is the "lift and look" button.  If you're not sure if your toast is where it should be, hit the button and the toaster will gently lift your toast up so you can take a peek. If it is to your desired liking, then just hit the toast/cancel button and the process is done!  There is a button marked "a bit more" allowing for a bit more browning.  There are the usual buttons such as defrost and bagel, which are always nice options on a toaster.

*sigh* what can I say about my new toaster?  I love it.  I had to inaugurate it with the oh-so-delicious Fairmount Montreal bagels (a staple since I lived in Montreal for 7 years and I buy dozens and dozens at a time upon my return). The one thing I miss about my old toaster....the sound it makes when the toast pops up.  Then again, I could get used to a small beep while watching my toast gracefully rise to make it's entrance onto the breakfast scene.  Yup, I can totally get used to that.

dearest J

oh my dearest.

it has been so long since i have had a moment to think of you and for that i apologize.  tonight i sat outside and stared at the stars, seemingly forever.
remember that summer we went out to iowa and drove around endlessly? that night we ate at that small place, drinking beer, laughing at each other, holding hands.  i cannot tell you how much i miss you at this moment.
i recall the last few moments of our time together there, when we drove around madison county. i never read what robert james waller would probably have wanted me to, nevertheless, it didn't make the bridges any less beautiful, or the moments any less romantic.
i don't know if you could feel how nervous i was being alone with you, or how thrilled i was each time you took my hand. how did you do that to me? how did you make me feel like that despite the 13 years that had gone past?
i will never return to madison county again, not because i do not want to see the bridges, for i would love to see them before they all but crumble; but i shall never return because the ghosts that would haunt me there would follow me to my death, as i am already sure that they will.

where are you dearest?  are you safe and warm? are you tired or uplifted? wherever it may be, i hope you are happy and content.

do not forget me yet, as i still hold you close, until we can meet again.

k

author, author!

I went out for dinner with a friend last night.  Just down to the local pub for a drink, some great pub fare, and of course, stories about our lives.
He started laughing at all of the stories I was telling, and I thought, why are you laughing at my life?  He replied, "you know, you really should write a book about this shit".

You know what?  I just might.

what are the secrets in my closet?

I have had people ask me what this blog is all about.  It doesn't seem to make sense.  There are bits of letters, that are obviously out of order.  There are random thoughts about myself and random writings and indulgences about nothing.

This blog is about two things;  one:  I write what comes to me when I am having a thought.  Whether it be venting, observational or something I deeply want to share.  Two:  it's the greatest love story ever written.  The letters are those that I wrote in my mind based on the loves and the lovers I have had in my life.  None of them break any privacy or confidentiality.  They are recollections in my mind of moments, conversations and tender moments that reflect all the great experiences I have had in my life.  Why am I writing them now?  It is definitely self indulgent.  You see, I am getting married.  Do you think my future husband wants me to recount these moments to him?  Probably not.  But as I grow older...I want to remember that I have a young and wild life once.  I want to remember all of the loves, the hurts, the surprises and tender moments that brought me to where I am, and how I learned how to find the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Letters from my heart and memories.

My indulgences.  Don't read them if you don't want to because you don't have to.  But you can share the secrets in my closet.

a cigar and tequila

tonight I sit in my living room
Ray LaMontagne plays in the background
gritty and sexy
the smoke flows upward in long skinny wisps

tonight
Patron is my best friend
He will help me forget

I'm sorry, k

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I said last night. I do not want to hurt you, although that seems all I am capable of lately. My frustration got the better of me, and for that I apologize. I wish things between us were easier, but I don't know what to do about it.

I know that I have not been fair to you, I'm sorry. I'm very confused with my life right now, and that carries over into my relationship with you. For the first time in my life I have no idea where I am going. That scares me. My whole life I have always known what was coming next. I have always had structure, either imposed upon me (school, ****), or created by me (my last job, where I set my own schedule, and had everything planned). Since I started production at M*****, I feel like I am playing catch up every minute of everyday. I never know when, or from where the next account is coming from, and for the first 2 years I am only as good as my next account. I feel like Westley when he was serving under the Dread Pirate Roberts. "Good work today Westley, though I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It consumes me. I have never failed at anything my whole life, and now, everyday I am inches from losing my job. I hate this feeling. At once I am tempted to forget the whole thing and move on, and also I refuse to leave with my tail between my legs, beaten by this business. It has become my whole life, and I hate that. I know this is not a healthy way to live, but my stubborn pride won't let me walk out while I am a failure.

My pride has always been my downfall. I know there are easier ways than the paths I have sometimes chosen, but I continue to steadfastly cling to some antique notion of pride and personal honor. I know you don't understand this. I don't expect you to. I just hope you can accept it as one of my many character flaws. In many ways it is my pride that gets in the way of my relationship with you. Right now I don't see myself as a worthy suitor for anyone, least of all you. I told you I loved you, because I do. I just can't let myself love you right now. I have a few more demons to chase, and many things to straighten out in my own life before I can invite someone else in. Just as you would clean up your house before inviting someone in, I must clean up my life before I invite anyone in. I have said many conflicting things because I am torn between what I feel, and what I can allow. That is not fair to you, I'm sorry. You say you have seen me relax at times, and then tense up and hide behind my walls at others. I hide because I do not want you to see what I have become.

It tears me up inside when you pressure me to answer questions about us. I want to tell you that you are wonderful, but I worry about what it will mean to you. You place so much importance on everything we say and do, I sometimes feel as though I am in a minefield, with no map, not knowing when I will set you off. So the more you press, the more I run and hide. That is why I wish we could just spend time together with no expectations, and no pressure. Just enjoying the time together. We had that for a few moments in St. ***, I wish we could get it back. I don't mean to say that what we say and do doesn't mean anything, just that it doesn't have to mean everything. I know I haven't been totally honest with you about my feelings, I'm sorry. But you must understand that I don't always understand my own conflicting emotions, how can I articulate them to you. I wish I could be as clear about everything that I think and feel as you seem to be, but the fact of the matter is I am not able. You have to accept that I am confused. I don't expect you to wait until I sort my life out. If you must move on and be with someone else, so be it. I would rather you be happy with someone else, than miserable with me. Don't read into that statement more than is there. It does not mean that I don't care about you, and want to work something out with you. It simply means that I want you to be happy, in whatever form that takes. Would it bother me if you were with someone else, yes of course. But it would bother me more if you were unhappy. You probably don't believe me as I say this, because you believe that I have some ulterior motive, and always want to ruin your relationships, forcing to end up a spinster pining away for me. I have never toyed with you, and have never done anything according to a plan. That fact that you would say that is quite possibly the worst thing you have ever said to me, and wounds me deeply.

I have rambled on quite enough. That facts as they stand now are:

1) I do care about you very deeply.
2) I have to sort out my own life before I can commit to anything.
3) I want you to be happy, and do not expect you to put your life on hold while I sort out mine.
4) You don't trust me, and probably never will again.

I miss being friends with you. You are my oldest surviving friend and you know me better than almost anyone on earth. I just wish we could check our baggage at the door, and enjoy getting to know each other as we are now. I miss you.