Where did these tears come from?

I sat watching a movie on tv this past Sunday. I won't tell you which one it was, but lets just say that it was one I was glad I was watching alone.

The female lead of the movie was wondering where the sparkle goes after you've been in a relationship for some time and how does it get replaced with...comfort? Dullness? Complacency?

The the male lead does something reminicent of the past. He calls her on the phone, tells her to get ready for dinner because he is taking her out and that if she looks out her window, he is waiting for her in his car.

For some psychotic strange reason, I start crying. The tears were streaming down my face from both eyes like a water fountain.

What was going on here? Why was I crying? He wasn't waiting outside my window to take me out, this was just a movie.

I came to realize that I was mourning a relationship of my past; one that was full of romance and "sparkle". He would show up in the middle of the night with surprise phone calls. We would wander the streets of various cities together and he would surprise me with lemonade, cookies and marriage proposals.

All of this emotion pouring out of me left me thinking, when does the emotion disappear? How long do you mourn past loves, past lives, past romance? Does it ever go away?

You are there in every car ride

Hey J.

Every time I am in a car, I am reminded of all the trips we took together going nowhere.  God, we loved just driving and driving, not really knowing where we were going to end up.  I think we just loved the company, you know?

Tonight I was remembering the time we drove all the way to Whitby and back.  Then I was thinking about the time we drove all over Oregon together for 3 days, watched a wedding and then just drove around.  Remember that hideous snow storm all over Montreal? I think we drove in that for 3 hours!  It was crazy.  Of course my favourite was the one where we drove to St. Louis and back and we played the animal alphabet game.  Yes I know, I resorted to el gato and I know that it was my sly little smile that let that one go, but I also remember fiercely debating over xenopus and consulting the computer when we got home.  Remember driving around Carmel and laughing so hard when we realized that I had no film in the camera but we had spent hours and hours taking pictures???  What was that??? 

The most memorable ride?  When we were driving home from Yosemite and you asked me to move with you, come home with you after you leave San Fran.  Had the window been left open, I think I would have flown right out.  I was in shock. 

You have always left me in shock and pure pleasure. 

I have always loved you with all that I have inside my heart.  It has always been yours.

And now you're gone and I am left here with an empty car.

I realized that all of our road trips really came down to one thing.  It was just in that moment we were together.  Then somehow, after the ride was over....

Well, I think this sums it up best...

what are the secrets in my closet?

I have had people ask me what this blog is all about.  It doesn't seem to make sense.  There are bits of letters, that are obviously out of order.  There are random thoughts about myself and random writings and indulgences about nothing.

This blog is about two things;  one:  I write what comes to me when I am having a thought.  Whether it be venting, observational or something I deeply want to share.  Two:  it's the greatest love story ever written.  The letters are those that I wrote in my mind based on the loves and the lovers I have had in my life.  None of them break any privacy or confidentiality.  They are recollections in my mind of moments, conversations and tender moments that reflect all the great experiences I have had in my life.  Why am I writing them now?  It is definitely self indulgent.  You see, I am getting married.  Do you think my future husband wants me to recount these moments to him?  Probably not.  But as I grow older...I want to remember that I have a young and wild life once.  I want to remember all of the loves, the hurts, the surprises and tender moments that brought me to where I am, and how I learned how to find the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Letters from my heart and memories.

My indulgences.  Don't read them if you don't want to because you don't have to.  But you can share the secrets in my closet.

the soundtrack of my life

My mind floods with memories whenever a certain song plays through the air.  I can just hear the notes and it transforms me and takes me to another time and place. Small tedious moments, grandious happy moments, and of course the heart breaking moments.

Everclear:  screaming at the top of my lungs while driving across the Mojave desert at 3am while driving from Phoenix to LA.  One of the most LIBERATING moments of my life.

Gin Blossoms:  driving across NC and across the Alligator Bridge.  slept through most of the ride, but still remember the pecan pinwheels we ate on the beach at Ocracoke.

Matchbox 20:  driving back and forth from Watertown to Sacketts Harbor for years.  Memories of Fred Robster, Appleby's and love.

The Smiths:  a bus trip to Quebec City with my fellow classmates in the 8th grade.  what a hoot!  to be young again.

Spirit of the West:  ALL OVER EUROPE!

Norah Jones:  a concert in Toronto before she was known and a Grammy winner.  $10 and up close and personal.  A lover's quarrel in the midst of the concert ruined a bit of the flavour, however, I still love Norah... but ditched the lover.

Pachabel:  a dark room, lovers entwined, declaring their love.  First and enduring love.

Dixie Chicks:  driving like lunatics in the Jeep all over Montreal.  Snow, cold, frost, slipping and sliding.  An utterly fantastic night.

Sublime:  Wow.  Porch number 8, happy hour every night at 5:30pm after the day's work was done.  Discussing science, dissecting research, laughing, camaraderie, unmeasurable friendships and kinships brought together by a small place in the mountains of AZ.

Maxwell:  an old friend.  a lovely apartment in Montreal.  Listening to music.  Looking at him for the first time and realizing that friendship isn't the only thing on my mind...

Hodo:  acoustic guitar, a deep soothing voice, songs that touch the heart.  a moment where two people realize they share the same passion for music and subsequently become forever joined. Welcome to Tucson.

Diana Krall:  driving around on base the day a lover is leaving for war.  how do you say all of the things that are flooding your mind? how do you say good by to somebody who may not come back?  how do you pour your heart out? you don't.  you eat grilled cheese sandwiches on post, drive around holding hands, kiss passionately and let go. Good old US of A.

Bright eyes:  realizing that this will be the first song you dance to when  you are somebody's wife... can't wait to see how that dance goes...

Tracy Chapman:  so many tied up to this artist.  Georgia.  A promise to return, if you promise to wait.  3am in Montreal, waiting, hoping, feeling. 

Smashmouth:  Georgia... *laugh*

Ben Harper:  driving around the mountains of northern Colorado, across the state to the lower part, and home of the Great Gorge.  how I wished you were with me.  oh how I wished

Chantal Kreviazuk:  candles lit after a 2am phone call declaring you are coming to visit.  6am you arrive in my arms and all is right in the world again.

Culture Club:  Oh Sabina!  Driving across AZ and NM....with one tape.  Truck stops, unusual bony fish skeleton heads in Texas...flat tires near the Road Kill Cafe, NM.  could it have been more of a blast??

Lush:  dancing around my Montreal appartment knowing that I finally extricated myself from the most complicated situation ever and loving it....even if it was short lived

The Strokes:  Brampton, Grimsby, Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Indianna.  Quite the trip to reach Graceland with one of my dearest hearts.  We should do it more often. 

Sugarland:  Mississauga. knowing that I was in trouble.  knowing I had found a love that comes only once in a lifetime, but I wasn't the only girl who had found that once in a lifetime love.  I had to do what was right for myself.  regrets?  no.  just experiences that have left a mark on my heart, but I think it builds character, don't you?

George Strait:  North Carolina. anything with George ties me to you.  So run baby, just run....

I could go on.  So many moments, so many people.  It is the soundtrack of my life.  Music.  May I never be without it.