The story of who I am

Marriage was never in the greater picture for me.  Sure I had relationships, but I wasn't ever sure if I really wanted to get married and it wasn't something that I put on my list of priorities.

I traveled the world extensively to some of the most beautiful places you could imagine.  I had secret love affairs, I had not so secret love affairs.  I had love and romance in ways that you would think were completely unreal, out of romance novels, just a dream. But despite everything that I had done, marriage was still not on the table, not for me.

As the years went by, I went to school, I finished my undergraduate degree, I finished my Masters degree, then I started a PhD and backed out when funding fell through.  Obviously I needed to pick a different route for my life other than the one of academia I thought I would be living. I had had enough of poverty, kraft dinner, instant noodles and working 3 jobs simultaneously.

But even through the years of working, buying my house, buying a car, adopting my pets, never once did I think that I needed to seriously search for a husband.  I didn't need one.  I had my friends, I had my passionate affairs, I had all I wanted and needed.

Then it happened.  I found somebody who made me think that it wouldn't be too bad to be with somebody...indefinitely.  I don't really know how it happened or when it happened.  Since the moment we started dating, I told him outright, if you want marriage and kids, I'm not your girl. He said that was fine.  Lets see where this goes.

So what was it about him that made him so special?  I don't know. Nothing.  Everything.  It wasn't this whirlwind romance where he swept me off to exotic locales and made me fall in love with letters and poetry and gifts.  It wasn't something that was like love at first sight.  It wasn't what the story books tell you to believe that it should be when you fall in love and find "the one".  But it was definitely HIM.  He was everything that I didn't know that I wanted and needed.  He was everything that I didn't know I was looking for, but never found, at least in one package. No, he isn't perfect, nor does he pretend to be perfect, but he is perfect.  He is perfect for my imperfect self.

When we were planning our wedding, there were some things right off the top that I knew HAD to be personal.  Music was at the top of my list.  For those of you who don't know me, every single moment of my life has a soundtrack, a score too, associated with it if it's a really good moment.  Every single precious and important moment of my life has been punctuated by a song, and our wedding was going to be no different.  Every single moment of that day, I had music playing through my head. Yes, I am that crazy.

There was one song that kept coming back to me over and over again that I just couldn't work into my wedding, but it strikes a chord in me every time I hear it.  I think of myself, I think of my life and I think of him.  (For those in the wonder, yes, our wedding day was FILLED with personally chosen songs including the one we all walked down the aisle to *Joshua Radin's song "TODAY" in a slower acoustic version, and *Sunny Days by Joe Raposo was the recessional song...yes, that is the theme song to Sesame Street).

So.  Brandi Carlile, thank you for the song that I identify with so strongly.  Thank you for the song that makes me think of me, my life and my new husband every time I hear it.  New husband; wow, that's something I never thought I would say in a million years.

the soundtrack of my life

My mind floods with memories whenever a certain song plays through the air.  I can just hear the notes and it transforms me and takes me to another time and place. Small tedious moments, grandious happy moments, and of course the heart breaking moments.

Everclear:  screaming at the top of my lungs while driving across the Mojave desert at 3am while driving from Phoenix to LA.  One of the most LIBERATING moments of my life.

Gin Blossoms:  driving across NC and across the Alligator Bridge.  slept through most of the ride, but still remember the pecan pinwheels we ate on the beach at Ocracoke.

Matchbox 20:  driving back and forth from Watertown to Sacketts Harbor for years.  Memories of Fred Robster, Appleby's and love.

The Smiths:  a bus trip to Quebec City with my fellow classmates in the 8th grade.  what a hoot!  to be young again.

Spirit of the West:  ALL OVER EUROPE!

Norah Jones:  a concert in Toronto before she was known and a Grammy winner.  $10 and up close and personal.  A lover's quarrel in the midst of the concert ruined a bit of the flavour, however, I still love Norah... but ditched the lover.

Pachabel:  a dark room, lovers entwined, declaring their love.  First and enduring love.

Dixie Chicks:  driving like lunatics in the Jeep all over Montreal.  Snow, cold, frost, slipping and sliding.  An utterly fantastic night.

Sublime:  Wow.  Porch number 8, happy hour every night at 5:30pm after the day's work was done.  Discussing science, dissecting research, laughing, camaraderie, unmeasurable friendships and kinships brought together by a small place in the mountains of AZ.

Maxwell:  an old friend.  a lovely apartment in Montreal.  Listening to music.  Looking at him for the first time and realizing that friendship isn't the only thing on my mind...

Hodo:  acoustic guitar, a deep soothing voice, songs that touch the heart.  a moment where two people realize they share the same passion for music and subsequently become forever joined. Welcome to Tucson.

Diana Krall:  driving around on base the day a lover is leaving for war.  how do you say all of the things that are flooding your mind? how do you say good by to somebody who may not come back?  how do you pour your heart out? you don't.  you eat grilled cheese sandwiches on post, drive around holding hands, kiss passionately and let go. Good old US of A.

Bright eyes:  realizing that this will be the first song you dance to when  you are somebody's wife... can't wait to see how that dance goes...

Tracy Chapman:  so many tied up to this artist.  Georgia.  A promise to return, if you promise to wait.  3am in Montreal, waiting, hoping, feeling. 

Smashmouth:  Georgia... *laugh*

Ben Harper:  driving around the mountains of northern Colorado, across the state to the lower part, and home of the Great Gorge.  how I wished you were with me.  oh how I wished

Chantal Kreviazuk:  candles lit after a 2am phone call declaring you are coming to visit.  6am you arrive in my arms and all is right in the world again.

Culture Club:  Oh Sabina!  Driving across AZ and NM....with one tape.  Truck stops, unusual bony fish skeleton heads in Texas...flat tires near the Road Kill Cafe, NM.  could it have been more of a blast??

Lush:  dancing around my Montreal appartment knowing that I finally extricated myself from the most complicated situation ever and loving it....even if it was short lived

The Strokes:  Brampton, Grimsby, Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Indianna.  Quite the trip to reach Graceland with one of my dearest hearts.  We should do it more often. 

Sugarland:  Mississauga. knowing that I was in trouble.  knowing I had found a love that comes only once in a lifetime, but I wasn't the only girl who had found that once in a lifetime love.  I had to do what was right for myself.  regrets?  no.  just experiences that have left a mark on my heart, but I think it builds character, don't you?

George Strait:  North Carolina. anything with George ties me to you.  So run baby, just run....

I could go on.  So many moments, so many people.  It is the soundtrack of my life.  Music.  May I never be without it.