A small love note, k

I am sorry to have to cancel our plans tomorrow, k.

I really wanted to see you.  I really enjoy all the time we spend together, especially when I get to see your smile.  I really wanted to see you, and to hold you and to feel you next to me.  I don't know what it is about you, but nobody has ever been able to make me feel the way that you do.  I don't know why, but when you just look at me, even for a fleeting moment, my heart races, the blood starts pumping, the adrenaline gets up and I have to fight to stay in control and keep myself from taking you into my arms, kissing you long, kissing you hard, kissing you like you've never been kissed before.  Don't get me wrong.  There is so much more to our relationship other than that. I've never felt such a strong emotional bond with anyone or anything as I do with you.  The questions you ask of me force me to the ends of my intellect, and force me to quite often examine my moral standing, and my beliefs.  I know you don't realize all of this. I know you don't think that talking to you is anything but silly and boring, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  Truth is, I love talking to you.  You challenge me intellectually, you give me insight into you and who you are.  You entertain me with jokes and stories and throw in enough gossip to keep it interesting.  Best of all, you almost always end by saying you love me.  What more can I ask for?  To be honest, you could call, tell me you love me and hang up, and I'd still be happy.

But the thing I love most is holding you.  I've always been a kind of affectionate kind of guy.  You noticed too?  What gave it away?  I only wish I got to hold you more.  It seems like every time I get a good hold going, you up and change positions and interrupt me.  Sheesh, the nerve of some people.  I'm only kidding, but I do wish I got to hold you more often.  I think I've finally found someone with whom I can have a complete relationship.  Do you want to know who she is??  I have a feeling I'm going to get hit for that last sentence!

I can talk to you, you let me hold you, and you hold me back, you do the little things for me even though you don't know what they are.  You appreciate my cheese, you're beautiful, you have spirit, you are witty, funny and smart and on top of all that, you do it for me!  I love you so much.  All of you.  The way you love me is the stuff legends are made of.

Lovingly,
J

The story of who I am

Marriage was never in the greater picture for me.  Sure I had relationships, but I wasn't ever sure if I really wanted to get married and it wasn't something that I put on my list of priorities.

I traveled the world extensively to some of the most beautiful places you could imagine.  I had secret love affairs, I had not so secret love affairs.  I had love and romance in ways that you would think were completely unreal, out of romance novels, just a dream. But despite everything that I had done, marriage was still not on the table, not for me.

As the years went by, I went to school, I finished my undergraduate degree, I finished my Masters degree, then I started a PhD and backed out when funding fell through.  Obviously I needed to pick a different route for my life other than the one of academia I thought I would be living. I had had enough of poverty, kraft dinner, instant noodles and working 3 jobs simultaneously.

But even through the years of working, buying my house, buying a car, adopting my pets, never once did I think that I needed to seriously search for a husband.  I didn't need one.  I had my friends, I had my passionate affairs, I had all I wanted and needed.

Then it happened.  I found somebody who made me think that it wouldn't be too bad to be with somebody...indefinitely.  I don't really know how it happened or when it happened.  Since the moment we started dating, I told him outright, if you want marriage and kids, I'm not your girl. He said that was fine.  Lets see where this goes.

So what was it about him that made him so special?  I don't know. Nothing.  Everything.  It wasn't this whirlwind romance where he swept me off to exotic locales and made me fall in love with letters and poetry and gifts.  It wasn't something that was like love at first sight.  It wasn't what the story books tell you to believe that it should be when you fall in love and find "the one".  But it was definitely HIM.  He was everything that I didn't know that I wanted and needed.  He was everything that I didn't know I was looking for, but never found, at least in one package. No, he isn't perfect, nor does he pretend to be perfect, but he is perfect.  He is perfect for my imperfect self.

When we were planning our wedding, there were some things right off the top that I knew HAD to be personal.  Music was at the top of my list.  For those of you who don't know me, every single moment of my life has a soundtrack, a score too, associated with it if it's a really good moment.  Every single precious and important moment of my life has been punctuated by a song, and our wedding was going to be no different.  Every single moment of that day, I had music playing through my head. Yes, I am that crazy.

There was one song that kept coming back to me over and over again that I just couldn't work into my wedding, but it strikes a chord in me every time I hear it.  I think of myself, I think of my life and I think of him.  (For those in the wonder, yes, our wedding day was FILLED with personally chosen songs including the one we all walked down the aisle to *Joshua Radin's song "TODAY" in a slower acoustic version, and *Sunny Days by Joe Raposo was the recessional song...yes, that is the theme song to Sesame Street).

So.  Brandi Carlile, thank you for the song that I identify with so strongly.  Thank you for the song that makes me think of me, my life and my new husband every time I hear it.  New husband; wow, that's something I never thought I would say in a million years.