Hey J.
Every time I am in a car, I am reminded of all the trips we took together going nowhere. God, we loved just driving and driving, not really knowing where we were going to end up. I think we just loved the company, you know?
Tonight I was remembering the time we drove all the way to Whitby and back. Then I was thinking about the time we drove all over Oregon together for 3 days, watched a wedding and then just drove around. Remember that hideous snow storm all over Montreal? I think we drove in that for 3 hours! It was crazy. Of course my favourite was the one where we drove to St. Louis and back and we played the animal alphabet game. Yes I know, I resorted to el gato and I know that it was my sly little smile that let that one go, but I also remember fiercely debating over xenopus and consulting the computer when we got home. Remember driving around Carmel and laughing so hard when we realized that I had no film in the camera but we had spent hours and hours taking pictures??? What was that???
The most memorable ride? When we were driving home from Yosemite and you asked me to move with you, come home with you after you leave San Fran. Had the window been left open, I think I would have flown right out. I was in shock.
You have always left me in shock and pure pleasure.
I have always loved you with all that I have inside my heart. It has always been yours.
And now you're gone and I am left here with an empty car.
I realized that all of our road trips really came down to one thing. It was just in that moment we were together. Then somehow, after the ride was over....
Well, I think this sums it up best...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The story of who I am
Marriage was never in the greater picture for me. Sure I had relationships, but I wasn't ever sure if I really wanted to get married and it wasn't something that I put on my list of priorities.
I traveled the world extensively to some of the most beautiful places you could imagine. I had secret love affairs, I had not so secret love affairs. I had love and romance in ways that you would think were completely unreal, out of romance novels, just a dream. But despite everything that I had done, marriage was still not on the table, not for me.
As the years went by, I went to school, I finished my undergraduate degree, I finished my Masters degree, then I started a PhD and backed out when funding fell through. Obviously I needed to pick a different route for my life other than the one of academia I thought I would be living. I had had enough of poverty, kraft dinner, instant noodles and working 3 jobs simultaneously.
But even through the years of working, buying my house, buying a car, adopting my pets, never once did I think that I needed to seriously search for a husband. I didn't need one. I had my friends, I had my passionate affairs, I had all I wanted and needed.
Then it happened. I found somebody who made me think that it wouldn't be too bad to be with somebody...indefinitely. I don't really know how it happened or when it happened. Since the moment we started dating, I told him outright, if you want marriage and kids, I'm not your girl. He said that was fine. Lets see where this goes.
So what was it about him that made him so special? I don't know. Nothing. Everything. It wasn't this whirlwind romance where he swept me off to exotic locales and made me fall in love with letters and poetry and gifts. It wasn't something that was like love at first sight. It wasn't what the story books tell you to believe that it should be when you fall in love and find "the one". But it was definitely HIM. He was everything that I didn't know that I wanted and needed. He was everything that I didn't know I was looking for, but never found, at least in one package. No, he isn't perfect, nor does he pretend to be perfect, but he is perfect. He is perfect for my imperfect self.
When we were planning our wedding, there were some things right off the top that I knew HAD to be personal. Music was at the top of my list. For those of you who don't know me, every single moment of my life has a soundtrack, a score too, associated with it if it's a really good moment. Every single precious and important moment of my life has been punctuated by a song, and our wedding was going to be no different. Every single moment of that day, I had music playing through my head. Yes, I am that crazy.
There was one song that kept coming back to me over and over again that I just couldn't work into my wedding, but it strikes a chord in me every time I hear it. I think of myself, I think of my life and I think of him. (For those in the wonder, yes, our wedding day was FILLED with personally chosen songs including the one we all walked down the aisle to *Joshua Radin's song "TODAY" in a slower acoustic version, and *Sunny Days by Joe Raposo was the recessional song...yes, that is the theme song to Sesame Street).
So. Brandi Carlile, thank you for the song that I identify with so strongly. Thank you for the song that makes me think of me, my life and my new husband every time I hear it. New husband; wow, that's something I never thought I would say in a million years.
I traveled the world extensively to some of the most beautiful places you could imagine. I had secret love affairs, I had not so secret love affairs. I had love and romance in ways that you would think were completely unreal, out of romance novels, just a dream. But despite everything that I had done, marriage was still not on the table, not for me.
As the years went by, I went to school, I finished my undergraduate degree, I finished my Masters degree, then I started a PhD and backed out when funding fell through. Obviously I needed to pick a different route for my life other than the one of academia I thought I would be living. I had had enough of poverty, kraft dinner, instant noodles and working 3 jobs simultaneously.
But even through the years of working, buying my house, buying a car, adopting my pets, never once did I think that I needed to seriously search for a husband. I didn't need one. I had my friends, I had my passionate affairs, I had all I wanted and needed.
Then it happened. I found somebody who made me think that it wouldn't be too bad to be with somebody...indefinitely. I don't really know how it happened or when it happened. Since the moment we started dating, I told him outright, if you want marriage and kids, I'm not your girl. He said that was fine. Lets see where this goes.
So what was it about him that made him so special? I don't know. Nothing. Everything. It wasn't this whirlwind romance where he swept me off to exotic locales and made me fall in love with letters and poetry and gifts. It wasn't something that was like love at first sight. It wasn't what the story books tell you to believe that it should be when you fall in love and find "the one". But it was definitely HIM. He was everything that I didn't know that I wanted and needed. He was everything that I didn't know I was looking for, but never found, at least in one package. No, he isn't perfect, nor does he pretend to be perfect, but he is perfect. He is perfect for my imperfect self.
When we were planning our wedding, there were some things right off the top that I knew HAD to be personal. Music was at the top of my list. For those of you who don't know me, every single moment of my life has a soundtrack, a score too, associated with it if it's a really good moment. Every single precious and important moment of my life has been punctuated by a song, and our wedding was going to be no different. Every single moment of that day, I had music playing through my head. Yes, I am that crazy.
There was one song that kept coming back to me over and over again that I just couldn't work into my wedding, but it strikes a chord in me every time I hear it. I think of myself, I think of my life and I think of him. (For those in the wonder, yes, our wedding day was FILLED with personally chosen songs including the one we all walked down the aisle to *Joshua Radin's song "TODAY" in a slower acoustic version, and *Sunny Days by Joe Raposo was the recessional song...yes, that is the theme song to Sesame Street).
So. Brandi Carlile, thank you for the song that I identify with so strongly. Thank you for the song that makes me think of me, my life and my new husband every time I hear it. New husband; wow, that's something I never thought I would say in a million years.
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