where are you going today, my friend?

I've been obsessing wondering a lot lately about what I am doing, where I am going, who I am. Am I having a midlife crisis? Am I just floundering in between jobs?

Dear God, what AM I doing?

I have a job. Is it my passion? I don't think so. Does it bring me personal happiness and satisfaction? Yes, it does. So what does that mean? Everybody is always telling me to follow my passion, but what if my passion is eating cake? How do I follow that? And don't suggest baker because I don't have the stamina for baking and decorating a cake.

I sat down this afternoon and read old love letters from high school, university and graduate school. All of this love and pondering and disappointment. People who have said they have learned, they have grown, they have loved and moved on. I was so different then, and I am so different now, and the one thing that I know is that I am still looking for purpose. I am still searching for the "mark" that I am supposed to be leaving on this earth.

Where is it? What is it supposed to be? For some people it is a financial goal. For others, it is family and children. But I guess I still don't know what it looks like for me.

A lover once sent me a drunken email almost 10 years ago and the words haunt me to this day,

"I can't promise that I'll grown those wings or keep this tarnished halo shined, but I'll never betray your trust, angel mine".

I feel like this myself. I cannot promise you, or you, or even you that I will always be the perfect creature you think I am, or the image I project out to the world. But if you stay with me, if you stick with this rough ride, I will never betray your trust. I will always try to become a better version of myself.

If you let me....

Where did these tears come from?

I sat watching a movie on tv this past Sunday. I won't tell you which one it was, but lets just say that it was one I was glad I was watching alone.

The female lead of the movie was wondering where the sparkle goes after you've been in a relationship for some time and how does it get replaced with...comfort? Dullness? Complacency?

The the male lead does something reminicent of the past. He calls her on the phone, tells her to get ready for dinner because he is taking her out and that if she looks out her window, he is waiting for her in his car.

For some psychotic strange reason, I start crying. The tears were streaming down my face from both eyes like a water fountain.

What was going on here? Why was I crying? He wasn't waiting outside my window to take me out, this was just a movie.

I came to realize that I was mourning a relationship of my past; one that was full of romance and "sparkle". He would show up in the middle of the night with surprise phone calls. We would wander the streets of various cities together and he would surprise me with lemonade, cookies and marriage proposals.

All of this emotion pouring out of me left me thinking, when does the emotion disappear? How long do you mourn past loves, past lives, past romance? Does it ever go away?

You are there in every car ride

Hey J.

Every time I am in a car, I am reminded of all the trips we took together going nowhere.  God, we loved just driving and driving, not really knowing where we were going to end up.  I think we just loved the company, you know?

Tonight I was remembering the time we drove all the way to Whitby and back.  Then I was thinking about the time we drove all over Oregon together for 3 days, watched a wedding and then just drove around.  Remember that hideous snow storm all over Montreal? I think we drove in that for 3 hours!  It was crazy.  Of course my favourite was the one where we drove to St. Louis and back and we played the animal alphabet game.  Yes I know, I resorted to el gato and I know that it was my sly little smile that let that one go, but I also remember fiercely debating over xenopus and consulting the computer when we got home.  Remember driving around Carmel and laughing so hard when we realized that I had no film in the camera but we had spent hours and hours taking pictures???  What was that??? 

The most memorable ride?  When we were driving home from Yosemite and you asked me to move with you, come home with you after you leave San Fran.  Had the window been left open, I think I would have flown right out.  I was in shock. 

You have always left me in shock and pure pleasure. 

I have always loved you with all that I have inside my heart.  It has always been yours.

And now you're gone and I am left here with an empty car.

I realized that all of our road trips really came down to one thing.  It was just in that moment we were together.  Then somehow, after the ride was over....

Well, I think this sums it up best...

The story of who I am

Marriage was never in the greater picture for me.  Sure I had relationships, but I wasn't ever sure if I really wanted to get married and it wasn't something that I put on my list of priorities.

I traveled the world extensively to some of the most beautiful places you could imagine.  I had secret love affairs, I had not so secret love affairs.  I had love and romance in ways that you would think were completely unreal, out of romance novels, just a dream. But despite everything that I had done, marriage was still not on the table, not for me.

As the years went by, I went to school, I finished my undergraduate degree, I finished my Masters degree, then I started a PhD and backed out when funding fell through.  Obviously I needed to pick a different route for my life other than the one of academia I thought I would be living. I had had enough of poverty, kraft dinner, instant noodles and working 3 jobs simultaneously.

But even through the years of working, buying my house, buying a car, adopting my pets, never once did I think that I needed to seriously search for a husband.  I didn't need one.  I had my friends, I had my passionate affairs, I had all I wanted and needed.

Then it happened.  I found somebody who made me think that it wouldn't be too bad to be with somebody...indefinitely.  I don't really know how it happened or when it happened.  Since the moment we started dating, I told him outright, if you want marriage and kids, I'm not your girl. He said that was fine.  Lets see where this goes.

So what was it about him that made him so special?  I don't know. Nothing.  Everything.  It wasn't this whirlwind romance where he swept me off to exotic locales and made me fall in love with letters and poetry and gifts.  It wasn't something that was like love at first sight.  It wasn't what the story books tell you to believe that it should be when you fall in love and find "the one".  But it was definitely HIM.  He was everything that I didn't know that I wanted and needed.  He was everything that I didn't know I was looking for, but never found, at least in one package. No, he isn't perfect, nor does he pretend to be perfect, but he is perfect.  He is perfect for my imperfect self.

When we were planning our wedding, there were some things right off the top that I knew HAD to be personal.  Music was at the top of my list.  For those of you who don't know me, every single moment of my life has a soundtrack, a score too, associated with it if it's a really good moment.  Every single precious and important moment of my life has been punctuated by a song, and our wedding was going to be no different.  Every single moment of that day, I had music playing through my head. Yes, I am that crazy.

There was one song that kept coming back to me over and over again that I just couldn't work into my wedding, but it strikes a chord in me every time I hear it.  I think of myself, I think of my life and I think of him.  (For those in the wonder, yes, our wedding day was FILLED with personally chosen songs including the one we all walked down the aisle to *Joshua Radin's song "TODAY" in a slower acoustic version, and *Sunny Days by Joe Raposo was the recessional song...yes, that is the theme song to Sesame Street).

So.  Brandi Carlile, thank you for the song that I identify with so strongly.  Thank you for the song that makes me think of me, my life and my new husband every time I hear it.  New husband; wow, that's something I never thought I would say in a million years.

trying something new

I am going to try something new.  Something I have never done before.  I am going to try a new career on for size. It's a bit scary since it's so new.  It isn't anything that I thought I would do. 

I am going to conquer the world!

a haunting

You come to me in the darkness of night
and creep into the stillness of my sleep
You start as a shadow, lingering in the corner
then the sparkle of your eyes start to illuminate
The familiarity of your smile warms the cold
and I am with you again

We walk through our special places
we do what we always do
Your laughter fills the space with light
and I wonder how I could have spent so much time in darkness
Then I realize it is not dark when I am with you

As slowly as you came to me you leave me
not that I realize you are gone at first
just as my bleery eyes adjust to morning light
And again you are gone
Like a haunting in the night
I am left with the sweetness of your skin
the taste of your lips
the smell of your breath
and the warmth of your smile
to haunt me for the rest of the day

trying new things

We don't learn how to do things overnight.  It doesn't happen instantly.  It takes hard work and a lot of trial and error.

Sometimes I forget that. 

I thought I would post some pictures of my puppy learning to walk up the stairs.

Perseverance.  Effort.  Growth.  Success.

fairy tale jobs

So right now I am in what they call "transition".  I'm trying to simultaneously find a job and do something I love for the rest of my life.

If I had a chance to do whatever job I wanted to do...what would it be? Well, here it is in no particular order:

A photographer and writer for National Geographic.  So many places in this world to visit, so many new and exciting cultures, so many experiences.  Not only would I get to travel on somebody else's bill, but I would be able to share everything I saw and everything I was thinking with others.

An organic chicken farmer.  I struggle with being a meat-eater almost daily and if I could have a farm and raise happy chickens, I would.

A sailor.  Not like in the navy or anything, but sailing around the globe would be incredible. 

A scientist who discovers the cure and answers for the following...the flu, the common cold, diabetes, AIDS, cancer in all forms, the formula to repair the ozone, the way to heal the earth, a fuel alternative to gas, drought resistant plants, world peace, economically viable ways to feed the earth, economically viable ways to solve the disparities between wealth in various countries, teaching people how to see eye to eye, heart transplants with 100% success rate, brain transplants!!!!

A motivational speaker. I want to be that person who sparks a fire into somebody else's soul.

A writer of both fiction (romance, mystery, thriller) and op-ed pieces. 

A television hostess like Oprah, but obviously not Oprah and not with a show that follows the format of hers too closely.

A painter or artist of some sort.

A famous musician or a rock star!

A rancher.

A famous chef.

A dog whisperer.  Or at least being able to run a doggy-day-care full of happy dogs that run around all day while their parents are at work.

A pilot.

A great thinker like Einstein or Aristotle.

A fashion designer.

A furniture designer.

An editor of a magazine.

A chocolatier.

A mastermind behind some sort of web based social media program.

A dancer.

Well, I guess we all have to dream about doing something at some time.  There are pros and cons to every single job that we are required to do, and I have lived through many of them. I have worn so many hats during my life, that at this point, I honestly don't know what to do. 

I had a great job once.  I LOVED every single moment of it.  Unfortunately, the powers that be didn't let me stay in that role.  I can honestly say that it was one of the few times in my life where I was so pleased with what I was doing.  For the longest time I thought it was so unfair that I wasn't able to keep the job that I loved and the job that I knew I was good at. I don't know, maybe I'm still upset now that I am still not doing that job.  But I'll tell you this, having to take any job available so that I can pay the bills has taught me a valuable lessons beyond measure.  I have always given my all to whatever job I have undertaken, and I still do. 

I can take pride in that.  No matter what my job is.

things I don't understand

1.  How is it that liars, cheaters and fake people seem to get ahead in this world?

2.  Why do people not understand the concept of staying in your own lane when there are two left/right turn lanes?

3.  Why am I more tired when I come home from vacation when the whole purpose of vacationing is to come home feeling refreshed?

4.  Why do couples with children feel like telling couples without children, "Just wait until you have children", when they don't know whether or not childless couples want kids or can even have kids?

5.  How could you not understand that you can wear blue pants with whatever colour?  It's a neutral!

6.  How could a person not want to travel and experience the world?

7.  How is it that dust in the house is comprised mostly of dead human skin?  YUCK!

8.  How can some people not appreciate the beauty of nature?

9.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Why don't bad things ever happen to bad people?

10.  I will never understand how selfish people can be.

what do you want to come home to?

A sense of calm and serenity
peace
Warmth surrounding me like a heavy blanket
foggy
Love, hugs and kisses
wagging tails
The comfort of knowing that this place is yours. Entirely yours.
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