where are you going today, my friend?

I've been obsessing wondering a lot lately about what I am doing, where I am going, who I am. Am I having a midlife crisis? Am I just floundering in between jobs?

Dear God, what AM I doing?

I have a job. Is it my passion? I don't think so. Does it bring me personal happiness and satisfaction? Yes, it does. So what does that mean? Everybody is always telling me to follow my passion, but what if my passion is eating cake? How do I follow that? And don't suggest baker because I don't have the stamina for baking and decorating a cake.

I sat down this afternoon and read old love letters from high school, university and graduate school. All of this love and pondering and disappointment. People who have said they have learned, they have grown, they have loved and moved on. I was so different then, and I am so different now, and the one thing that I know is that I am still looking for purpose. I am still searching for the "mark" that I am supposed to be leaving on this earth.

Where is it? What is it supposed to be? For some people it is a financial goal. For others, it is family and children. But I guess I still don't know what it looks like for me.

A lover once sent me a drunken email almost 10 years ago and the words haunt me to this day,

"I can't promise that I'll grown those wings or keep this tarnished halo shined, but I'll never betray your trust, angel mine".

I feel like this myself. I cannot promise you, or you, or even you that I will always be the perfect creature you think I am, or the image I project out to the world. But if you stay with me, if you stick with this rough ride, I will never betray your trust. I will always try to become a better version of myself.

If you let me....

Where did these tears come from?

I sat watching a movie on tv this past Sunday. I won't tell you which one it was, but lets just say that it was one I was glad I was watching alone.

The female lead of the movie was wondering where the sparkle goes after you've been in a relationship for some time and how does it get replaced with...comfort? Dullness? Complacency?

The the male lead does something reminicent of the past. He calls her on the phone, tells her to get ready for dinner because he is taking her out and that if she looks out her window, he is waiting for her in his car.

For some psychotic strange reason, I start crying. The tears were streaming down my face from both eyes like a water fountain.

What was going on here? Why was I crying? He wasn't waiting outside my window to take me out, this was just a movie.

I came to realize that I was mourning a relationship of my past; one that was full of romance and "sparkle". He would show up in the middle of the night with surprise phone calls. We would wander the streets of various cities together and he would surprise me with lemonade, cookies and marriage proposals.

All of this emotion pouring out of me left me thinking, when does the emotion disappear? How long do you mourn past loves, past lives, past romance? Does it ever go away?