Don't think for a minute because we're not together, that I'm not thinking about you.
It's seems like it's been so long since we first kissed. I remember that whole day like it happened five minutes ago, but we've come so far since then. I would never have believed that we'd be here. I'd of never believed that I would grow to love you so much. I want to thank you for the best time of my life. There's been good and bad but through it all, I know you loved me and that makes it all worthwhile. I have so many good memories of time spent with you. I only hope I will have more in the future. If it was up to me, I would, 'cause I'd keep you around for a long time. I hope that wish comes true. I hope you do stick with me for a long time. No one has ever made me feel the way you do, and nobody has ever made me want to return this wonderful feeling. I've shared these last * months of my life with you and they've been so incredible. I want to share the next * months of my life with you (at least). I can only imagine how good they'll be. My love for you grows stronger each day. I can't wait to see what it feels like after another * months. Here's to the last *, the best of my life, and here's to many, many more in the future. May they be better than the last. I know they will if I've got you. Je t'aime beaucoup, ma jolie femme.
Love,
J
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
where did all the smart ones go?
Tomorrow is my last day working at my job. It wasn't a career or anything, just a job, I'm the girl who took your prescription, put it through your insurance plan, took the stock bottle off the shelf, counted them out, slapped the label on, had the pharmacist go over it, and gave it back to you with a smile. That's me. Until the end of tomorrow, that's me.
So I had to train this new girl to start working upon my departure. OMG. You know when you meet people and you just want to smack them? Not because they said something to you that was so insulting or anything, but just because of WHO THEY ARE? To be fair, I liked her in the beginning. I thought she was a little too chirpy, I thought she sang along way too damn much with the radio that plays all day long, and I thought she was pretty fake. But as long as she stood out of my way, I was okay with that. Just let me show you what your job entails, let me help you understand it as best you can while I am here, and then you're off to the races.
I am not sure how she ever managed to answer a telephone at home since she can't answer a telephone at work. I don't know how she managed to remember a phone number, a person's name, or what she has to do on a daily basis since she can't remember something someone asked her a second ago before the words, "let me go check" came out of her mouth. Sometimes I wonder if she's even thinking when she is working. How do people like this get by in the world? She doesn't even remember people's names....but don't worry about that since most prescriptions have their names on it...but don't use any common sense to actually read it so you can remember their name. How does someone totally forget what happened 3 seconds ago when asked about "Who handed you this prescription?" Apparently it just came out of thin air.
But boy does she like to make it look like she owns the place. She has NO IDEA what goes on but she loves to act like she owns the whole damn place.
Oh, and she likes to touch people. She is forever rubbing my back or touching my arm or giving me a little squeeze. Don't touch me. I don't know you. You don't know me. My personal space bubble is about two feet all around me and so, I don't think your dirty little hands should be near me. I don't like being touched by people I don't know, and I certainly don't like being touched by people who annoy the hell out of me.
And this little girl has a hot hot temper with a wicked angry streak running right up the middle of her. WOO HOO! She laid into me one night and I think it angered her that I didn't really react back.
But you know what? Tomorrow is my last day! Woo hoo last day, last day, last day!!!! And I will never have to listen to her whiny fake overly sugary voice again. I will never have to deal with her Jekyll and Hyde personality (it was kind of starting to get crazy). I will never again have to cringe when all common sense goes out the window and she says something that makes me wonder how she got her shoes on the right feet that day.
You know, who is the fool now? I spent this post thinking about her and devoting time and energy into thinking about her. Damn. She wins again...
So I had to train this new girl to start working upon my departure. OMG. You know when you meet people and you just want to smack them? Not because they said something to you that was so insulting or anything, but just because of WHO THEY ARE? To be fair, I liked her in the beginning. I thought she was a little too chirpy, I thought she sang along way too damn much with the radio that plays all day long, and I thought she was pretty fake. But as long as she stood out of my way, I was okay with that. Just let me show you what your job entails, let me help you understand it as best you can while I am here, and then you're off to the races.
I am not sure how she ever managed to answer a telephone at home since she can't answer a telephone at work. I don't know how she managed to remember a phone number, a person's name, or what she has to do on a daily basis since she can't remember something someone asked her a second ago before the words, "let me go check" came out of her mouth. Sometimes I wonder if she's even thinking when she is working. How do people like this get by in the world? She doesn't even remember people's names....but don't worry about that since most prescriptions have their names on it...but don't use any common sense to actually read it so you can remember their name. How does someone totally forget what happened 3 seconds ago when asked about "Who handed you this prescription?" Apparently it just came out of thin air.
But boy does she like to make it look like she owns the place. She has NO IDEA what goes on but she loves to act like she owns the whole damn place.
Oh, and she likes to touch people. She is forever rubbing my back or touching my arm or giving me a little squeeze. Don't touch me. I don't know you. You don't know me. My personal space bubble is about two feet all around me and so, I don't think your dirty little hands should be near me. I don't like being touched by people I don't know, and I certainly don't like being touched by people who annoy the hell out of me.
And this little girl has a hot hot temper with a wicked angry streak running right up the middle of her. WOO HOO! She laid into me one night and I think it angered her that I didn't really react back.
But you know what? Tomorrow is my last day! Woo hoo last day, last day, last day!!!! And I will never have to listen to her whiny fake overly sugary voice again. I will never have to deal with her Jekyll and Hyde personality (it was kind of starting to get crazy). I will never again have to cringe when all common sense goes out the window and she says something that makes me wonder how she got her shoes on the right feet that day.
You know, who is the fool now? I spent this post thinking about her and devoting time and energy into thinking about her. Damn. She wins again...
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Hey J
You know, I said things to you tonight that I didn't think I would ever say. It never ceases to amaze me how much I tell you, and how compelled I feel to tell you these things. Why is that? I can't even answer that one myself.
You asked me how you forget somebody. I don't know. For years I have tried to forget about someone. It hasn't been easy. Every corner I turn in ***, every place I go to, and even the quiet places that I used to visit haunt me with unwelcome memories. They're not unwelcome because they weren't good memories; they're just unwelcome because they're ones that I would like to forget. The answer to that one is to move. Just like you have. Just like I have. But what you do not do is invite this person to come and see you at your new location! That sucks. So now, in *****, I go around to certain places and I am reminded of things I don't want to be reminded of. The older ones as easier to forget because I don't live there anymore. But I live in this city now, and I invited my ghost to come and visit.
So you go further. You go somewhere, where you know this person will never be. And it works. You meet people. You do things that you have only imagined doing in your wildest dreams. You find somebody who is so incredible that it blows your mind. P**** is the first person I have been with since you that has made our memories fade and almost disappear. When I am with him, you don't even exist (except that you do). Wanna know something funny? That scares the hell out of me. Nobody could come that close to what I wanted in a mate. Yeah, I have commitment issues.S keeps telling me that I should just tell P that it isn't going to happen the way he thinks it's going to happen. It scares me that he has invested so much in me already, and in the back of my mind, I already know that I am not going to stay with him. I came back from my sabbatical knowing full well that I was over this "thing". It was done, and I was happy. I was focused. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I knew exactly where I was going and what I would be doing. And I was really hung up on P, even though I decided all of this. Ironically enough, I wanted to share it with you. So I called.
You are definitely a lot more fun to be with than you used to be. I have a great time when I am with you. I miss you when you leave. When I see something, I want to share it with you. I feel this way because you just know what I am thinking about when I am looking at something or talking about something. I don't know how you do that, but you have always been able to do that. When I saw you again, it threw me for a loop. It still does. I never let my guard down when I am with you. I am never fully relaxed. I never say the things that I want to say. I never do the things that I want to do. I never talk about the things that I want to tell you about. I never show you the things that I want to show you. I never completely show you the person that I have become. I did that once. I got completely burned. The sad thing is, I think you'd really enjoy hanging out and just being with me. I think you would really like the person that I have become.
I don't think that I am saying that I'm still ... God, I can't even find the words. I am not hanging onto the memory of somebody that once was. At least I don't think I am. The funny thing is, I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this aspect of my life. I look at the way I treated C. And I just threw it carelessly over my shoulder, because at that moment, I was too busy chasing ghosts. And it was good for awhile, then it wasn't. Hindsight is showing me that maybe I should have worked harder to make that one work. I gave him up to see you again. He's better off without me. I know that.
I don't know why I am writing all this to you. Maybe I'm just tired of being so confused about everything. I will always yield a little more to you than to anybody else. And you know that. And you use that. I want to be with you. And you know that. And you use that. I think I want to be with you, but then at times I am so angry I know I don't want to be with you again. I don't even know how you're feeling about me. How ironic that the only person who knows me well enough to help me with this is you, and the problem.... is you.
What I know for sure is that there is somebody out there waiting for me. What I don't know is how to let them in once I get to them because of the thrill of the chase of the ghosts that slip through my fingers when I finally catch them ... leaving me with nothing but air to hold....
You asked me how you forget somebody. I don't know. For years I have tried to forget about someone. It hasn't been easy. Every corner I turn in ***, every place I go to, and even the quiet places that I used to visit haunt me with unwelcome memories. They're not unwelcome because they weren't good memories; they're just unwelcome because they're ones that I would like to forget. The answer to that one is to move. Just like you have. Just like I have. But what you do not do is invite this person to come and see you at your new location! That sucks. So now, in *****, I go around to certain places and I am reminded of things I don't want to be reminded of. The older ones as easier to forget because I don't live there anymore. But I live in this city now, and I invited my ghost to come and visit.
So you go further. You go somewhere, where you know this person will never be. And it works. You meet people. You do things that you have only imagined doing in your wildest dreams. You find somebody who is so incredible that it blows your mind. P**** is the first person I have been with since you that has made our memories fade and almost disappear. When I am with him, you don't even exist (except that you do). Wanna know something funny? That scares the hell out of me. Nobody could come that close to what I wanted in a mate. Yeah, I have commitment issues.S keeps telling me that I should just tell P that it isn't going to happen the way he thinks it's going to happen. It scares me that he has invested so much in me already, and in the back of my mind, I already know that I am not going to stay with him. I came back from my sabbatical knowing full well that I was over this "thing". It was done, and I was happy. I was focused. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I knew exactly where I was going and what I would be doing. And I was really hung up on P, even though I decided all of this. Ironically enough, I wanted to share it with you. So I called.
You are definitely a lot more fun to be with than you used to be. I have a great time when I am with you. I miss you when you leave. When I see something, I want to share it with you. I feel this way because you just know what I am thinking about when I am looking at something or talking about something. I don't know how you do that, but you have always been able to do that. When I saw you again, it threw me for a loop. It still does. I never let my guard down when I am with you. I am never fully relaxed. I never say the things that I want to say. I never do the things that I want to do. I never talk about the things that I want to tell you about. I never show you the things that I want to show you. I never completely show you the person that I have become. I did that once. I got completely burned. The sad thing is, I think you'd really enjoy hanging out and just being with me. I think you would really like the person that I have become.
I don't think that I am saying that I'm still ... God, I can't even find the words. I am not hanging onto the memory of somebody that once was. At least I don't think I am. The funny thing is, I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this aspect of my life. I look at the way I treated C. And I just threw it carelessly over my shoulder, because at that moment, I was too busy chasing ghosts. And it was good for awhile, then it wasn't. Hindsight is showing me that maybe I should have worked harder to make that one work. I gave him up to see you again. He's better off without me. I know that.
I don't know why I am writing all this to you. Maybe I'm just tired of being so confused about everything. I will always yield a little more to you than to anybody else. And you know that. And you use that. I want to be with you. And you know that. And you use that. I think I want to be with you, but then at times I am so angry I know I don't want to be with you again. I don't even know how you're feeling about me. How ironic that the only person who knows me well enough to help me with this is you, and the problem.... is you.
What I know for sure is that there is somebody out there waiting for me. What I don't know is how to let them in once I get to them because of the thrill of the chase of the ghosts that slip through my fingers when I finally catch them ... leaving me with nothing but air to hold....
Friday, May 4, 2012
Cinderella Syndrome
When I have a little girl, I want her to read fairy tales and love the idea of having a romance that is so big and true that it will last forever.
When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she is strong enough to rescue herself. She doesn't need a man for that.
When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she is beautiful, and not because she "fits the images in magazines" or because people tell her 2 seconds after meeting her how pretty she is. I want her to know that she is beautiful because she is good, has charisma, is intelligent, and has an open and loving heart.
When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants, have whatever job/career she wants to do, live however she wants to live, dress whoever she wants to dress.
When I have a little girl, I want her to live her life in full colour, I want her to laugh out loud, I want her to dance in the streets, I want her to love freely, I want her to live out every single one of her adventures.
When I have a little girl, I want her to have everything she ever wanted.
When I have a little girl...will the world be ready for her?
When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she is strong enough to rescue herself. She doesn't need a man for that.
When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she is beautiful, and not because she "fits the images in magazines" or because people tell her 2 seconds after meeting her how pretty she is. I want her to know that she is beautiful because she is good, has charisma, is intelligent, and has an open and loving heart.
When I have a little girl, I want her to know that she can do whatever she wants, have whatever job/career she wants to do, live however she wants to live, dress whoever she wants to dress.
When I have a little girl, I want her to live her life in full colour, I want her to laugh out loud, I want her to dance in the streets, I want her to love freely, I want her to live out every single one of her adventures.
When I have a little girl, I want her to have everything she ever wanted.
When I have a little girl...will the world be ready for her?
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
hard girl
The music was blaring on the radio and through the open windows as I sat there in the car driving home from Dallas, after having my heart broken. It was heavier than lead, but I still couldn't help but smile as the sun was shining into my car, warming up the left side of my face. 249 miles down and an eternity of driving after that before I could collapse into my bed. Home seemed so far away and I was already tired of driving.
I pulled off the road for gas, cigarettes and lime tic-tacs. As I made my way back to the car, I lit one up, throwing the crumpled paper onto the hot black asphalt. Each drag just solidified all the crap that I was feeling; never mind the accomplishments for the year, including being called and landing a job any idiot would envy. Any idiot but this one was what I was thinking as I lit up my second cigarette.
I could feel myself hardening with each deep breath of smoke I took. Fuck it. Let him have that Betty-Crocker-June-Cleaver-fucking-only-on-Sundays kind of bitch.
I'm done.
I pulled off the road for gas, cigarettes and lime tic-tacs. As I made my way back to the car, I lit one up, throwing the crumpled paper onto the hot black asphalt. Each drag just solidified all the crap that I was feeling; never mind the accomplishments for the year, including being called and landing a job any idiot would envy. Any idiot but this one was what I was thinking as I lit up my second cigarette.
I could feel myself hardening with each deep breath of smoke I took. Fuck it. Let him have that Betty-Crocker-June-Cleaver-fucking-only-on-Sundays kind of bitch.
I'm done.
Dearest k
Dearest k,
for some reason that doesn't sound so strange anymore. Maybe it's because lately I've come to know just how dear you are to me. I really don't know what to say now. I'm kinda tired, and a bit strung out at the moment. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sure of one thing though; I'm not going to stop loving you no matter what anyone says. I've never let anyone else make my decisions for me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone tell me to walk away from the best thing that has ever happened to me, especially him. I'm not sure what else I want to say, and chances are, if I did know, I'd rather say it in person. Actually, if I was there with you, I'd just sit there and hold you. So what else is new...
I don't have the words but right now the feelings that I am holding in my heart are enough to make it burst (and there's saxophone music playing in the background of my head...ha ha ha).
Remember one thing; no matter how this turns out, no matter what happens, remember that I love you. No matter where we are or who we're with, I love you.
always,
J
for some reason that doesn't sound so strange anymore. Maybe it's because lately I've come to know just how dear you are to me. I really don't know what to say now. I'm kinda tired, and a bit strung out at the moment. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sure of one thing though; I'm not going to stop loving you no matter what anyone says. I've never let anyone else make my decisions for me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone tell me to walk away from the best thing that has ever happened to me, especially him. I'm not sure what else I want to say, and chances are, if I did know, I'd rather say it in person. Actually, if I was there with you, I'd just sit there and hold you. So what else is new...
I don't have the words but right now the feelings that I am holding in my heart are enough to make it burst (and there's saxophone music playing in the background of my head...ha ha ha).
Remember one thing; no matter how this turns out, no matter what happens, remember that I love you. No matter where we are or who we're with, I love you.
always,
J
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