You know, I said things to you tonight that I didn't think I would ever say. It never ceases to amaze me how much I tell you, and how compelled I feel to tell you these things. Why is that? I can't even answer that one myself.
You asked me how you forget somebody. I don't know. For years I have tried to forget about someone. It hasn't been easy. Every corner I turn in ***, every place I go to, and even the quiet places that I used to visit haunt me with unwelcome memories. They're not unwelcome because they weren't good memories; they're just unwelcome because they're ones that I would like to forget. The answer to that one is to move. Just like you have. Just like I have. But what you do not do is invite this person to come and see you at your new location! That sucks. So now, in *****, I go around to certain places and I am reminded of things I don't want to be reminded of. The older ones as easier to forget because I don't live there anymore. But I live in this city now, and I invited my ghost to come and visit.
So you go further. You go somewhere, where you know this person will never be. And it works. You meet people. You do things that you have only imagined doing in your wildest dreams. You find somebody who is so incredible that it blows your mind. P**** is the first person I have been with since you that has made our memories fade and almost disappear. When I am with him, you don't even exist (except that you do). Wanna know something funny? That scares the hell out of me. Nobody could come that close to what I wanted in a mate. Yeah, I have commitment issues.S keeps telling me that I should just tell P that it isn't going to happen the way he thinks it's going to happen. It scares me that he has invested so much in me already, and in the back of my mind, I already know that I am not going to stay with him. I came back from my sabbatical knowing full well that I was over this "thing". It was done, and I was happy. I was focused. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I knew exactly where I was going and what I would be doing. And I was really hung up on P, even though I decided all of this. Ironically enough, I wanted to share it with you. So I called.
You are definitely a lot more fun to be with than you used to be. I have a great time when I am with you. I miss you when you leave. When I see something, I want to share it with you. I feel this way because you just know what I am thinking about when I am looking at something or talking about something. I don't know how you do that, but you have always been able to do that. When I saw you again, it threw me for a loop. It still does. I never let my guard down when I am with you. I am never fully relaxed. I never say the things that I want to say. I never do the things that I want to do. I never talk about the things that I want to tell you about. I never show you the things that I want to show you. I never completely show you the person that I have become. I did that once. I got completely burned. The sad thing is, I think you'd really enjoy hanging out and just being with me. I think you would really like the person that I have become.
I don't think that I am saying that I'm still ... God, I can't even find the words. I am not hanging onto the memory of somebody that once was. At least I don't think I am. The funny thing is, I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this aspect of my life. I look at the way I treated C. And I just threw it carelessly over my shoulder, because at that moment, I was too busy chasing ghosts. And it was good for awhile, then it wasn't. Hindsight is showing me that maybe I should have worked harder to make that one work. I gave him up to see you again. He's better off without me. I know that.
I don't know why I am writing all this to you. Maybe I'm just tired of being so confused about everything. I will always yield a little more to you than to anybody else. And you know that. And you use that. I want to be with you. And you know that. And you use that. I think I want to be with you, but then at times I am so angry I know I don't want to be with you again. I don't even know how you're feeling about me. How ironic that the only person who knows me well enough to help me with this is you, and the problem.... is you.
What I know for sure is that there is somebody out there waiting for me. What I don't know is how to let them in once I get to them because of the thrill of the chase of the ghosts that slip through my fingers when I finally catch them ... leaving me with nothing but air to hold....
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