I had a dream about you last night. It was vivid. It was real.
You and I were outside in our yard, planting our garden. You were planting lettuce seeds, and I was laughing at you while holding a glass of tea (unsweetened, of course) out to you. It started to rain. We danced. You held me. We danced in the rain, while eating gummy bears and drinking tea.
I awoke with a sense, a feeling as if you were with me. But of course you weren't.
God, but it felt so fucking real. It was so real. I FELT your arms around me. I FELT your tight embrace. I HEARD your laughter and I FELT the rain on our faces.
Why do you keep haunting me, when all I am trying to do is move beyond you?
k
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Dear K
Dear K,
Having slept on my last email, I feel like I didn't cover everything I should have; it was written meaningfully, but also in haste. I meant everything I said, but I wrote it indifferently when I should have written from my heart. We have both known that in each other, we perceive ourselves. I feel that in many ways, we have lived parallel but separate lives – all the way down to our quirky mannerisms and completely ridiculous sense of humour. I still laugh to myself about the morning we woke up and held a full 10-minute conversation with terrible British accents, all without prompt or reason. It goes deeper than all of this, I know, to the way we suppress and internalize, to the way we emotionally compensate, and outwardly show anger and insecurity. We are different, for sure, but our striking similarities have also caused me minor disturbation. For example, I'm sure you had a faint inner chuckle at the word disturbation, possibly followed by a connection to the word masturbation, which consequently yielded another, slightly more jovial, inner chuckle. Anyway, in trying to figure out what is going through your mind, I put myself in your place: anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, and above all else an intense desire for self-preservation and an inward commitment to the construction of a very high and sturdy emotional wall. If I were you, I would stop talking to me and know that the silence would hurt. Anyway, I can only guess. But here's what I know: I've made mistakes, as we all have, but in the end, as I think about all of the things we have said to, and felt about, each other, I can only tell you that I will miss you, dearly. I fucking miss you right now. I thought about you every day in Paris. Every single day. After I returned, I immediately went to New York alone, to clear my head. Every day in Manhattan, I took what memories I had of you with me. You were with me when I strolled through the Louis Vuitton flagships on the Champs-Élysées and on 5th Avenue. And I have always remembered that line we have uttered (moo?) several times: I don't know how you figure into my life, but I know that you have to be part of it, somehow. Now, obviously you have had a change of heart, and you're doing what you think is best. I respect that, even if I don't agree. I just know that we have both lived with the regret of past mistakes and destroyed friendships – people with whom we shared many of our best and worst times, in relationships that have ultimately slipped through our fingers, or have been crushed between them, for one reason or another. We both have very few inner-circle friends because of this. The question I have always asked is, are things better because of it? Is my life any richer? I honestly don't know – but my heart has always told me, probably not. Our lives are too short, you know? Anyway, that's all. I could go on for hours, but it would just be ramble. I have thought about you in some way, shape or form, every day since I left for Paris (you were snarky on the phone just before I took off, remember?). And deep down, I know – I KNOW – that you have also thought about me, that you are still thinking about me. Please do not mistake this for ego. I know this because I can feel it. Does that sound dumb? Maybe I'm way off-base. But wherever I seem to be, I can feel our thoughts colliding in the psychic airspace and geography that separates us. See? Disturbation. It all comes together in the circle of life. And now, I will say goodbye, as this is my best guess at what you are trying to achieve.
Love always,
J
Having slept on my last email, I feel like I didn't cover everything I should have; it was written meaningfully, but also in haste. I meant everything I said, but I wrote it indifferently when I should have written from my heart. We have both known that in each other, we perceive ourselves. I feel that in many ways, we have lived parallel but separate lives – all the way down to our quirky mannerisms and completely ridiculous sense of humour. I still laugh to myself about the morning we woke up and held a full 10-minute conversation with terrible British accents, all without prompt or reason. It goes deeper than all of this, I know, to the way we suppress and internalize, to the way we emotionally compensate, and outwardly show anger and insecurity. We are different, for sure, but our striking similarities have also caused me minor disturbation. For example, I'm sure you had a faint inner chuckle at the word disturbation, possibly followed by a connection to the word masturbation, which consequently yielded another, slightly more jovial, inner chuckle. Anyway, in trying to figure out what is going through your mind, I put myself in your place: anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, and above all else an intense desire for self-preservation and an inward commitment to the construction of a very high and sturdy emotional wall. If I were you, I would stop talking to me and know that the silence would hurt. Anyway, I can only guess. But here's what I know: I've made mistakes, as we all have, but in the end, as I think about all of the things we have said to, and felt about, each other, I can only tell you that I will miss you, dearly. I fucking miss you right now. I thought about you every day in Paris. Every single day. After I returned, I immediately went to New York alone, to clear my head. Every day in Manhattan, I took what memories I had of you with me. You were with me when I strolled through the Louis Vuitton flagships on the Champs-Élysées and on 5th Avenue. And I have always remembered that line we have uttered (moo?) several times: I don't know how you figure into my life, but I know that you have to be part of it, somehow. Now, obviously you have had a change of heart, and you're doing what you think is best. I respect that, even if I don't agree. I just know that we have both lived with the regret of past mistakes and destroyed friendships – people with whom we shared many of our best and worst times, in relationships that have ultimately slipped through our fingers, or have been crushed between them, for one reason or another. We both have very few inner-circle friends because of this. The question I have always asked is, are things better because of it? Is my life any richer? I honestly don't know – but my heart has always told me, probably not. Our lives are too short, you know? Anyway, that's all. I could go on for hours, but it would just be ramble. I have thought about you in some way, shape or form, every day since I left for Paris (you were snarky on the phone just before I took off, remember?). And deep down, I know – I KNOW – that you have also thought about me, that you are still thinking about me. Please do not mistake this for ego. I know this because I can feel it. Does that sound dumb? Maybe I'm way off-base. But wherever I seem to be, I can feel our thoughts colliding in the psychic airspace and geography that separates us. See? Disturbation. It all comes together in the circle of life. And now, I will say goodbye, as this is my best guess at what you are trying to achieve.
Love always,
J
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Happy birthday, k
Happy birthday!
This is a very special day for more than one reason. First, it is your birthday, the day that you started being you. In my book, that's pretty important as you are pretty important to me. Second, it was one month ago today that we shared our first kiss. This feels like my birthday too, because on that day you gave me a new life. It is quite amazing! You are able to bring me more happiness in each second than anyone else could in a lifetime. This last month has brought good and bad, but the good outweighs the bad by so much that I wouldn't trade it for anything; not for all the trucks in K.C, or all the boots in Texas, all the soccer balls in Pakistan, or all the waves in Oahu. Nothing, except maybe all the money in the world. Then I would buy the island I keep talking about, and set up my own little country. I would then purchase a certain diamond and saphire necklace. The last thing I would do would be to buy eternity and spend it all with you. As long as you will occasionally hold me in your arms, because there is nowhere that I would rather be than in your arms. There are many other things that I want to share with you, but there is not enough ink in this pen to write all the things I feel about and towards you.
Happy birthday, k. I love you.
This is a very special day for more than one reason. First, it is your birthday, the day that you started being you. In my book, that's pretty important as you are pretty important to me. Second, it was one month ago today that we shared our first kiss. This feels like my birthday too, because on that day you gave me a new life. It is quite amazing! You are able to bring me more happiness in each second than anyone else could in a lifetime. This last month has brought good and bad, but the good outweighs the bad by so much that I wouldn't trade it for anything; not for all the trucks in K.C, or all the boots in Texas, all the soccer balls in Pakistan, or all the waves in Oahu. Nothing, except maybe all the money in the world. Then I would buy the island I keep talking about, and set up my own little country. I would then purchase a certain diamond and saphire necklace. The last thing I would do would be to buy eternity and spend it all with you. As long as you will occasionally hold me in your arms, because there is nowhere that I would rather be than in your arms. There are many other things that I want to share with you, but there is not enough ink in this pen to write all the things I feel about and towards you.
Happy birthday, k. I love you.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Dearest J
Dearest,
getting off the plane in Raleigh was so nerve racking. I didn't really know what to think or what I was doing. But there you were. Smiling. And when I was in your arms, I felt as though I were shaking like a leaf and I thought that you could feel every ounce of nervousness I was holding inside of me. I wanted to reach out and hold your hand as we walked to get my bags, and so I did. You didn't resist. And when you kissed me in the middle of the great hall, I didn't know what to think. And when you kissed me in your car, I still didn't know what to think. And when you stopped me cold on the street, held my face in your hands while studying every last inch of it before slowly dropping your lips to mine to kiss me, I stopped thinking. Do you know that every time you touch me, every time you kiss me, every time you hold my hand, I give a piece of myself to you? I do. The weekend was a great weekend in my opinion. I don't know what you thought of it exactly, but I enjoyed it.
I laugh out loud right now at the thought of my favourite memories from this past weekend. Do you want to know what they were? I loved every moment that our feet touched. Silly isn't it? I love the small gestures, the small movements that you do when you touch me. When you gently lift my chin to kiss you, or sweep a stray hair away from my cheek, or caress the back of my hand with your thumb when you're holding my hand. When you always make sure to open the car door for me, and kiss me before you close it again. Those are the things that make my heart skip a beat. It isn't the big sweeping hugs or throwing me up in the air that are important to me. It's when you let me put my cold feet against your legs, or hold my hand while we're in bed, or let me lay my cold body next to yours so I can warm up. Those are the things that make me feel loved.
I love you. I have always loved you. I have never stopped loving you. Ever since you have come into my life, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. The first time I laid eyes on you that cold January evening after all of those years, I knew that my life would never be the same. That week was one of the most incredible weeks of my life. Being with you again released all of those feelings that I had been withholding from myself, not allowing myself to feel. I tried desperately to deny that I needed to feel those things, that I didn't need them to feel whole. When you told me that if you had stayed longer, you would have fallen in love with me again, when you you told me that you have never forgotten about me, when you told me that nobody has measured up to me since our relationship, I cried. I couldn't believe it. Really? Could it have been possible?
Our last evening together in Raleigh, I let you have a part of me that I vowed to myself I would never give anyone. I gave it to you because I knew it was what you wanted. I cried that morning in bed. I cried because I knew I would give you anything you asked of me. That scares me. I want to be independent and self sufficient. I don't want to depend on others. But I lean on you for things that I shouldn't. I need to pull away before this shatters me like it once did. I need to pull away and put it all behind me. It is getting harder and harder to detach myself from you.
Dearest, we skirt the issue. We never talk about what is going on between us. We share moments where I would stake my life on the way you love me, but you turn as cold as you once were as passionate. Is it because you are as afraid as I am that one day you will be called and you may never come back? I am so desperately afraid of that, but I am not afraid to love you, if you would let me.
So tell me. What do you want? Am I to think of a future, or am I to think that each moment is just a star in the sky, alone, shining, but not connected to anything else? A brilliant point in time. Raleigh was lovely as I knew it would be. It had been too long, and we had been apart for longer than I wanted.
I am torn between running without turning back and being tortured by the anticipation of feeling you in my arms again.
k
getting off the plane in Raleigh was so nerve racking. I didn't really know what to think or what I was doing. But there you were. Smiling. And when I was in your arms, I felt as though I were shaking like a leaf and I thought that you could feel every ounce of nervousness I was holding inside of me. I wanted to reach out and hold your hand as we walked to get my bags, and so I did. You didn't resist. And when you kissed me in the middle of the great hall, I didn't know what to think. And when you kissed me in your car, I still didn't know what to think. And when you stopped me cold on the street, held my face in your hands while studying every last inch of it before slowly dropping your lips to mine to kiss me, I stopped thinking. Do you know that every time you touch me, every time you kiss me, every time you hold my hand, I give a piece of myself to you? I do. The weekend was a great weekend in my opinion. I don't know what you thought of it exactly, but I enjoyed it.
I laugh out loud right now at the thought of my favourite memories from this past weekend. Do you want to know what they were? I loved every moment that our feet touched. Silly isn't it? I love the small gestures, the small movements that you do when you touch me. When you gently lift my chin to kiss you, or sweep a stray hair away from my cheek, or caress the back of my hand with your thumb when you're holding my hand. When you always make sure to open the car door for me, and kiss me before you close it again. Those are the things that make my heart skip a beat. It isn't the big sweeping hugs or throwing me up in the air that are important to me. It's when you let me put my cold feet against your legs, or hold my hand while we're in bed, or let me lay my cold body next to yours so I can warm up. Those are the things that make me feel loved.
I love you. I have always loved you. I have never stopped loving you. Ever since you have come into my life, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. The first time I laid eyes on you that cold January evening after all of those years, I knew that my life would never be the same. That week was one of the most incredible weeks of my life. Being with you again released all of those feelings that I had been withholding from myself, not allowing myself to feel. I tried desperately to deny that I needed to feel those things, that I didn't need them to feel whole. When you told me that if you had stayed longer, you would have fallen in love with me again, when you you told me that you have never forgotten about me, when you told me that nobody has measured up to me since our relationship, I cried. I couldn't believe it. Really? Could it have been possible?
Our last evening together in Raleigh, I let you have a part of me that I vowed to myself I would never give anyone. I gave it to you because I knew it was what you wanted. I cried that morning in bed. I cried because I knew I would give you anything you asked of me. That scares me. I want to be independent and self sufficient. I don't want to depend on others. But I lean on you for things that I shouldn't. I need to pull away before this shatters me like it once did. I need to pull away and put it all behind me. It is getting harder and harder to detach myself from you.
Dearest, we skirt the issue. We never talk about what is going on between us. We share moments where I would stake my life on the way you love me, but you turn as cold as you once were as passionate. Is it because you are as afraid as I am that one day you will be called and you may never come back? I am so desperately afraid of that, but I am not afraid to love you, if you would let me.
So tell me. What do you want? Am I to think of a future, or am I to think that each moment is just a star in the sky, alone, shining, but not connected to anything else? A brilliant point in time. Raleigh was lovely as I knew it would be. It had been too long, and we had been apart for longer than I wanted.
I am torn between running without turning back and being tortured by the anticipation of feeling you in my arms again.
k
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Dearest k
Dear k,
I'm sorry. These last few days have been hard on you, I know. I'm sorry. You've got enough to deal with, without me adding to it. It's just that sometimes I get to thinking about me and the thoughts aren't always good. I sometimes get to thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm real conservative and reserved and most people don't really like that. Most people seem to think that if you're not talking constantly, there's something wrong. I, however, spend lots of time not saying anything. I've never been real popular, not that I really want to be, but what I'm saying is that I've never had a lot of friends. You on the other hand, are the complete opposite. You are lively, people are drawn to you. You have an aura and a magnetism that makes people want to be near you. I can't compare with that. Not that I feel I have to, but do you see what I'm saying? I've never been very good at the interpersonal relationship thing. I just wonder if I'm good enough to keep you while I'm away. I mean, do I have enough to keep you interested for so long? I'm not worried about you running around on me, I'm worried about you losing interest. I don't think I'm good enough to keep you interested when I'm not there, and that scares me to death. I don't know if I can keep the flames from dying. It's nothing about you. It's about me and the fact that I've never had a relationship last for more than a year or so. Knowing that, how can I expect to keep you? I guess a big part of the problem is that I've never ever felt good enough and I never heard it growing up. I don't rely on others, it's just me. I take care of myself. Between this and moving around so much, I never get close to many people. It's just that much easier to let go that way. But now I'm faced with a situation where I absolutely had to get close to someone and don't want to let go, ever. So I don't know what to do. This is kinda new ground for me, so I have to apologize. I'm not real sure how to deal with this, so I have kept it to myself, and well, it just kinda exploded the other day. I'm also sorry about tonight. I meant nothing by it.
God you are so beautiful.
How do I do this?
J
I'm sorry. These last few days have been hard on you, I know. I'm sorry. You've got enough to deal with, without me adding to it. It's just that sometimes I get to thinking about me and the thoughts aren't always good. I sometimes get to thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm real conservative and reserved and most people don't really like that. Most people seem to think that if you're not talking constantly, there's something wrong. I, however, spend lots of time not saying anything. I've never been real popular, not that I really want to be, but what I'm saying is that I've never had a lot of friends. You on the other hand, are the complete opposite. You are lively, people are drawn to you. You have an aura and a magnetism that makes people want to be near you. I can't compare with that. Not that I feel I have to, but do you see what I'm saying? I've never been very good at the interpersonal relationship thing. I just wonder if I'm good enough to keep you while I'm away. I mean, do I have enough to keep you interested for so long? I'm not worried about you running around on me, I'm worried about you losing interest. I don't think I'm good enough to keep you interested when I'm not there, and that scares me to death. I don't know if I can keep the flames from dying. It's nothing about you. It's about me and the fact that I've never had a relationship last for more than a year or so. Knowing that, how can I expect to keep you? I guess a big part of the problem is that I've never ever felt good enough and I never heard it growing up. I don't rely on others, it's just me. I take care of myself. Between this and moving around so much, I never get close to many people. It's just that much easier to let go that way. But now I'm faced with a situation where I absolutely had to get close to someone and don't want to let go, ever. So I don't know what to do. This is kinda new ground for me, so I have to apologize. I'm not real sure how to deal with this, so I have kept it to myself, and well, it just kinda exploded the other day. I'm also sorry about tonight. I meant nothing by it.
God you are so beautiful.
How do I do this?
J
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Dearest Heart
Life has not been getting easier since you've been gone. I wish I had different words for you to hear.
I still sleep with your pillow. I still sleep on your side of the bed. I still put your favourite sheets on the bed just so I can feel the closeness of you. I still cry myself to sleep at night, not knowing how to diminish the hollowness in my heart.
I haven't been able to clean out your closet or give away your clothes. It has been years and the familiar smell of you no longer lives there. I used to lock myself up in there for hours just sitting amongst your things, tying the shoelaces on each pair of shoes you left behind. I used to put them on my feet and walk around the closet so that it appeared as though you'd been there, searching through your impecably pressed shirts for the perfect one, and asking me about a matching tie. I used to put on your jackets so that I could feel the weight of you around me, holding me again. Foolish. I know.
Dearheart, don't be angry with me for doing these things. I am trying. But tonight will not be one of those nights I succeed.
I am wishing that I will see you soon, despite the sadness I know it will create for those I leave behind here. But I am selfish and don't want to be reminded of that. Not tonight.
Not tonight.
k
I still sleep with your pillow. I still sleep on your side of the bed. I still put your favourite sheets on the bed just so I can feel the closeness of you. I still cry myself to sleep at night, not knowing how to diminish the hollowness in my heart.
I haven't been able to clean out your closet or give away your clothes. It has been years and the familiar smell of you no longer lives there. I used to lock myself up in there for hours just sitting amongst your things, tying the shoelaces on each pair of shoes you left behind. I used to put them on my feet and walk around the closet so that it appeared as though you'd been there, searching through your impecably pressed shirts for the perfect one, and asking me about a matching tie. I used to put on your jackets so that I could feel the weight of you around me, holding me again. Foolish. I know.
Dearheart, don't be angry with me for doing these things. I am trying. But tonight will not be one of those nights I succeed.
I am wishing that I will see you soon, despite the sadness I know it will create for those I leave behind here. But I am selfish and don't want to be reminded of that. Not tonight.
Not tonight.
k
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentines Day, k!
Happy Valentines Day!
There are so many things that I want to say to you.
Strange as it may seem, it is quite true that I (the hopeless, cheesy, old fashioned romantic that I am), have fallen in love with you in a major way. I realize this happened very fast, but it happened. You always ask me what it is that I love about you.
I love the way that you can make me smile anytime you want (because I'm always smiling on the inside when you are near), and the way you make my day happy and bright just by being you. I love the smell of your fruit cocktail hair, and the way your eyes sparkle when you smile, and I even love your laugh (that you hate). I love everything about you, so don't go changing to try and please me. Because that is impossible; I couldn't be more pleased.
This may sound like complete corn to you, but so what, it's the way I feel. I can't really imagine what it would be like without you, though I was thinking about that last night. I was really scared. The reason why I didn't say anything for such a long time was because I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but sit there and shake, because I can't think of anything worse than being without you. Yeah, I know I've got it bad, but I don't mind because I can't remember the last time I was as happy as I am when I'm with you. I mean this, straight from the heart.
I love you, dearest k.
There are so many things that I want to say to you.
Strange as it may seem, it is quite true that I (the hopeless, cheesy, old fashioned romantic that I am), have fallen in love with you in a major way. I realize this happened very fast, but it happened. You always ask me what it is that I love about you.
I love the way that you can make me smile anytime you want (because I'm always smiling on the inside when you are near), and the way you make my day happy and bright just by being you. I love the smell of your fruit cocktail hair, and the way your eyes sparkle when you smile, and I even love your laugh (that you hate). I love everything about you, so don't go changing to try and please me. Because that is impossible; I couldn't be more pleased.
This may sound like complete corn to you, but so what, it's the way I feel. I can't really imagine what it would be like without you, though I was thinking about that last night. I was really scared. The reason why I didn't say anything for such a long time was because I couldn't. I couldn't do anything but sit there and shake, because I can't think of anything worse than being without you. Yeah, I know I've got it bad, but I don't mind because I can't remember the last time I was as happy as I am when I'm with you. I mean this, straight from the heart.
I love you, dearest k.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Dear J
Darlin',
Thank you dearest for celebrating the July long weekend with me. I couldn't have picked a lovelier spot than Georgia (well, minus the fire ants of course!), so you did well. I've only been home for a few hours and I miss you already. I miss hearing your drawl. It is adorable.
For a man who doesn't believe in public displays between two people, that sure was an incredibly passionate kiss you laid on me while we were taking the escalator to the parking lot. I do believe I heard applause. *laugh* I can feel the warmth of your hand in mine as we crossed the pristine airport floor, through the airport train, into the parking lot and then finally the car where you had the most beautiful roses waiting for me. I blush at the thought of parking security tapping on the window asking us to leave. I guess we were in the car for awhile, weren't we? Quite deliciously naughty, but I couldn't help myself.
When we got to the room, what I remember was how intensely you looked into my eyes and said, "did I tell you yet about how much I've truly missed you?" and then you fell to your knees and looked up at me. I don't know if you meant it or you were just teasing me by being overly dramatic, but I tell you sir, it made my heart leap out of my chest. God, I missed you. It wasn't as though we were apart forever since our last visit, but I was almost embarrassed to admit it first. I'm glad you did.
All of our kisses and tender moments keep running through my mind. Holding hands while walking along the riverwalk, splashing like idiots through the backwoods, only to arrive at the black tie affair with the jeep covered in mud. It was funny seeing the expression on the valet's face as I stepped out with my black evening dress and shoes, and you in your dress uniform, out of the muddiest jeep on the planet! I wish I could have taken a photo of that.
I can't believe that you remembered that I said (before I arrived in Atlanta) that the only thing I wanted to make sure was done on this trip was eating a Georgia peach. You laughed and told me that some other state had better peaches (was it California or one of the Carolinas? I can't recall now). On our way to the airport, I thought you had forgotten. But you didn't We stopped at a farmer's stand, you picked two beautiful and perfect peaches. We sat at the edge of the road and ate them. The first bite was so sweet and flavourful. I caught myself saying that it was the best peach that I have ever eaten, but in reality, I am sure that it wasn't. It only seems that way because you remembered, you purchased it, and you held it out for my first bite. Whatever it tasted like, to me, I am sure, it will always be the sweetest peach.
The drive back to the airport was long, hot and humid. The southern wind was blowing through the jeep and through my dress. I remember tilting my head back against the seat thinking the heat was too much, when I felt your fingers interlacing with mine. I didn't open my eyes because I wanted to concentrate on the lines of your hands and commit them to memory. Who knew when we would ever have that moment back?
I am so terribly afraid that you are the one I have been looking for to spend the rest of eternity, but that you don't feel the same. What a thing to come to realize on this trip.
At the gate, you were looking into my eyes so hard I thought you could read every single thought that was running through my mind. Maybe you could. The kiss was so tender, so gentle, it was almost a whisper against my lips. Without another word I got on the plane and left you standing there. I thought I could still see you standing at the gate as my plane taxied away.
The sweetness still lingers on my lips. Is it the peach? Or is it the kiss?
Thank you again.
k
Thank you dearest for celebrating the July long weekend with me. I couldn't have picked a lovelier spot than Georgia (well, minus the fire ants of course!), so you did well. I've only been home for a few hours and I miss you already. I miss hearing your drawl. It is adorable.
For a man who doesn't believe in public displays between two people, that sure was an incredibly passionate kiss you laid on me while we were taking the escalator to the parking lot. I do believe I heard applause. *laugh* I can feel the warmth of your hand in mine as we crossed the pristine airport floor, through the airport train, into the parking lot and then finally the car where you had the most beautiful roses waiting for me. I blush at the thought of parking security tapping on the window asking us to leave. I guess we were in the car for awhile, weren't we? Quite deliciously naughty, but I couldn't help myself.
When we got to the room, what I remember was how intensely you looked into my eyes and said, "did I tell you yet about how much I've truly missed you?" and then you fell to your knees and looked up at me. I don't know if you meant it or you were just teasing me by being overly dramatic, but I tell you sir, it made my heart leap out of my chest. God, I missed you. It wasn't as though we were apart forever since our last visit, but I was almost embarrassed to admit it first. I'm glad you did.
All of our kisses and tender moments keep running through my mind. Holding hands while walking along the riverwalk, splashing like idiots through the backwoods, only to arrive at the black tie affair with the jeep covered in mud. It was funny seeing the expression on the valet's face as I stepped out with my black evening dress and shoes, and you in your dress uniform, out of the muddiest jeep on the planet! I wish I could have taken a photo of that.
I can't believe that you remembered that I said (before I arrived in Atlanta) that the only thing I wanted to make sure was done on this trip was eating a Georgia peach. You laughed and told me that some other state had better peaches (was it California or one of the Carolinas? I can't recall now). On our way to the airport, I thought you had forgotten. But you didn't We stopped at a farmer's stand, you picked two beautiful and perfect peaches. We sat at the edge of the road and ate them. The first bite was so sweet and flavourful. I caught myself saying that it was the best peach that I have ever eaten, but in reality, I am sure that it wasn't. It only seems that way because you remembered, you purchased it, and you held it out for my first bite. Whatever it tasted like, to me, I am sure, it will always be the sweetest peach.
The drive back to the airport was long, hot and humid. The southern wind was blowing through the jeep and through my dress. I remember tilting my head back against the seat thinking the heat was too much, when I felt your fingers interlacing with mine. I didn't open my eyes because I wanted to concentrate on the lines of your hands and commit them to memory. Who knew when we would ever have that moment back?
I am so terribly afraid that you are the one I have been looking for to spend the rest of eternity, but that you don't feel the same. What a thing to come to realize on this trip.
At the gate, you were looking into my eyes so hard I thought you could read every single thought that was running through my mind. Maybe you could. The kiss was so tender, so gentle, it was almost a whisper against my lips. Without another word I got on the plane and left you standing there. I thought I could still see you standing at the gate as my plane taxied away.
The sweetness still lingers on my lips. Is it the peach? Or is it the kiss?
Thank you again.
k
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Dearest k
Dearest k,
Hi there! How are you? It seems like it's been forever since I saw you last. It was real hard to get on the plane knowing that you were right there and I was leaving you. It feels like it has been more than a week.
The week with the **** seemed to last forever. It wasn't bad though, I loved it. It's just that every day seemed so long because we were up at 5:45 every morning, and working until 10:30. Did you ever see that commercial on tv that said that the military does more before 9am than most people do all day? Well it's true. It was fun though. There are a great bunch of people in my unit. We're all really close now after the last week. We went through hell together and now we're best friends. I've tried to call you a couple of times now but haven't been able to get a hold of you. I miss you and I really want to talk to you.
Hi. It's now Tuesday and the weekend was really hectic. Events were scheduled all day long. People are constantly coming up to me and introducing themselves. Real friendly. I've met so many people the last four or five days, I can't even begin to remember who they all are. I really think I'm going to like it here. It's a fun place to be. I wish you could see it, the place is absolutely beautiful, kinda like you. I have to go right now, I've got another session in 45 minutes and I still have to eat lunch. I'll write more later. I love you.
Hi! How are you? I'm really sorry it's taking me so long to write this letter. I bet you think I've forgotten you, don't you. Well, I haven't. I just haven't had very many opportunities to sit down and write to you. You wouldn't believe how much reading I've done in the last week. It seems every **** has a textbook the size of War and Peace. How are things going for you? How are things going at my home? My parents really took a shine to you. By the way, they are totally rooting for you. They are constantly telling me what a nice girl you are and how I should be sure and treat you right. Not like I wasn't going to anyway. They like you or they wouldn't have invited you over for dinner and they certainly wouldn't have given you an open ended invite to come over whenever you'd like. You will have to do that you know. Keep them close to me that way, okay?
You asked about the weather a couple of times. On the way to the airport I told you that it was probably dry and hot like a desert, but I was wrong. It is hot here, there's no two ways about that. But it is certainly not dry. It's only rained twice since I've been here, but the humidity is so high here it feels like it's raining all the time. You know how after it rains on a really hot day, the water will kinda steam off the hot pavement? It does that here every morning. You know how when you take a can of soda that's cold outside water forms on the can? When you do that here, the water forms so fast and in such large amounts, there is a steady drop. The humidity here is unbelievable. I've been working out in it every day. I'm probably getting close to being in the best shape of my life. I run, cycle or swim every day. Plus I walk everywhere I go.
It always kinda cracks me up when you ask about the beast. I don't know why, but it always does. Nevertheless, I never had an interest in her at all, so don't you worry. By the way, you are, by your own admission, a cheap date, but not in quite the same way. I can take you out 12 times for 84cents. I'll let you figure that one out, but I have a feeling sparks are going to fly about this next time I see you, possibly blue ones.
The first time I saw you up close and in person was at the corner where we used to say our goodbyes. I was walking from the west to the east and you were going from east to south. You turned left in front of me and we almost bumped into each other. I had seen your picture before, and remembered you and your name. I don't remember who you were with that first time or what you were wearing, but I remember it was you.
I'm sorry this is so chopping and taking so long to write but I've got to dash again. I love you! I really do!
You wouldn't believe how many meetings I have gone to this week. I've only spent one evening at home since last Thursday and it's tonight, Tuesday. I tried to call but you weren't home. I would really like to talk to you some time soon. We could set up a time for you to call. By the way, my number is ****.
I do think about you a lot. You probably have your doubts at this point and I understand that. I've been listening to the tape of our song a lot. There are so many memories tied up in that song. Too many. Sometimes I get a little misty when I listen to it. I have your picture on my desk right next to my bed. I can't stop looking at it. Z*** took one look at you and said, "wow, she's beautiful!" I tried to tell you so many times but you never believed me. You are you know. I keep expecting you to be down in the hall or somewhere and I'll whip around thinking it was your voice, but it's never you of course. I just wish it was. I find myself thinking of you all the time. I keep wondering what you would think if you saw me marching around in my uniform. I've got to get someone to take a picture of me so you can see me. I hear that women go nuts over men in uniforms. I wonder if you do. Do you? We'll just have to find out someday. I wish it was now. We could go down to the Gardens and walk by the pond, with the wind blowing through your hair and the sun shining in your eyes. Just like the old days when we used to go play in the woods. I love you and miss you so much.
I wish you could know how much I love you, and how much I miss you. I used to think that every move would be as easy as the last, where you could accept the new and file away the past. This time I just can't do that. I need you now more than ever, and can't stand being apart from you. Just remember that no matter how far apart we are, or how long we stay that way, a part of me will always be with you. I love you.
love
J
Hi there! How are you? It seems like it's been forever since I saw you last. It was real hard to get on the plane knowing that you were right there and I was leaving you. It feels like it has been more than a week.
The week with the **** seemed to last forever. It wasn't bad though, I loved it. It's just that every day seemed so long because we were up at 5:45 every morning, and working until 10:30. Did you ever see that commercial on tv that said that the military does more before 9am than most people do all day? Well it's true. It was fun though. There are a great bunch of people in my unit. We're all really close now after the last week. We went through hell together and now we're best friends. I've tried to call you a couple of times now but haven't been able to get a hold of you. I miss you and I really want to talk to you.
Hi. It's now Tuesday and the weekend was really hectic. Events were scheduled all day long. People are constantly coming up to me and introducing themselves. Real friendly. I've met so many people the last four or five days, I can't even begin to remember who they all are. I really think I'm going to like it here. It's a fun place to be. I wish you could see it, the place is absolutely beautiful, kinda like you. I have to go right now, I've got another session in 45 minutes and I still have to eat lunch. I'll write more later. I love you.
Hi! How are you? I'm really sorry it's taking me so long to write this letter. I bet you think I've forgotten you, don't you. Well, I haven't. I just haven't had very many opportunities to sit down and write to you. You wouldn't believe how much reading I've done in the last week. It seems every **** has a textbook the size of War and Peace. How are things going for you? How are things going at my home? My parents really took a shine to you. By the way, they are totally rooting for you. They are constantly telling me what a nice girl you are and how I should be sure and treat you right. Not like I wasn't going to anyway. They like you or they wouldn't have invited you over for dinner and they certainly wouldn't have given you an open ended invite to come over whenever you'd like. You will have to do that you know. Keep them close to me that way, okay?
You asked about the weather a couple of times. On the way to the airport I told you that it was probably dry and hot like a desert, but I was wrong. It is hot here, there's no two ways about that. But it is certainly not dry. It's only rained twice since I've been here, but the humidity is so high here it feels like it's raining all the time. You know how after it rains on a really hot day, the water will kinda steam off the hot pavement? It does that here every morning. You know how when you take a can of soda that's cold outside water forms on the can? When you do that here, the water forms so fast and in such large amounts, there is a steady drop. The humidity here is unbelievable. I've been working out in it every day. I'm probably getting close to being in the best shape of my life. I run, cycle or swim every day. Plus I walk everywhere I go.
It always kinda cracks me up when you ask about the beast. I don't know why, but it always does. Nevertheless, I never had an interest in her at all, so don't you worry. By the way, you are, by your own admission, a cheap date, but not in quite the same way. I can take you out 12 times for 84cents. I'll let you figure that one out, but I have a feeling sparks are going to fly about this next time I see you, possibly blue ones.
The first time I saw you up close and in person was at the corner where we used to say our goodbyes. I was walking from the west to the east and you were going from east to south. You turned left in front of me and we almost bumped into each other. I had seen your picture before, and remembered you and your name. I don't remember who you were with that first time or what you were wearing, but I remember it was you.
I'm sorry this is so chopping and taking so long to write but I've got to dash again. I love you! I really do!
You wouldn't believe how many meetings I have gone to this week. I've only spent one evening at home since last Thursday and it's tonight, Tuesday. I tried to call but you weren't home. I would really like to talk to you some time soon. We could set up a time for you to call. By the way, my number is ****.
I do think about you a lot. You probably have your doubts at this point and I understand that. I've been listening to the tape of our song a lot. There are so many memories tied up in that song. Too many. Sometimes I get a little misty when I listen to it. I have your picture on my desk right next to my bed. I can't stop looking at it. Z*** took one look at you and said, "wow, she's beautiful!" I tried to tell you so many times but you never believed me. You are you know. I keep expecting you to be down in the hall or somewhere and I'll whip around thinking it was your voice, but it's never you of course. I just wish it was. I find myself thinking of you all the time. I keep wondering what you would think if you saw me marching around in my uniform. I've got to get someone to take a picture of me so you can see me. I hear that women go nuts over men in uniforms. I wonder if you do. Do you? We'll just have to find out someday. I wish it was now. We could go down to the Gardens and walk by the pond, with the wind blowing through your hair and the sun shining in your eyes. Just like the old days when we used to go play in the woods. I love you and miss you so much.
I wish you could know how much I love you, and how much I miss you. I used to think that every move would be as easy as the last, where you could accept the new and file away the past. This time I just can't do that. I need you now more than ever, and can't stand being apart from you. Just remember that no matter how far apart we are, or how long we stay that way, a part of me will always be with you. I love you.
love
J
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Dearest J
My dearest darling,
I'm sitting here at my desk, thinking about you. You will be back in seven weeks. Will war have changed you? I wonder. Who will be returning to me?
I tried to mail you a card or a letter each week you were gone. I hope you found it more thoughtful than annoying. From September, when I dropped you off with all your gear on base, until now, I have been looking forward to your homecoming. It seemed as though you would be gone for an eternity, and seven weeks still feels like an eternity now. How could I possibly have missed you this much, and when will my heart stop missing you? I am so anxious to see you again. I am so excited at the thought of putting my arms around you and feeling the weight of your chest against me. Have you been missing me?
I remember the time a few years ago when you called me on a Friday night at 2:30am. You asked what I was doing, which was a strange question, but you told me to stay put because you were on your way to see me. I held my breath for those 4 hours until I felt the warmth of your skin next to mine. I remember your last words to me on Sunday night when you left me was that you were being called and we wouldn't be able to see each other for awhile. How wise you were then not to tell me until you were leaving. If you had told me sooner, I know I would have spent our days together crying. It didn't stop my heart from breaking or my blood from running cold at that moment.
I drove down to your place on the first Sunday after you went away. It was so strange and surreal to be there without you. I needed to feel the closeness of you. I wanted so much to open the door and see you sitting on the sofa, smiling at me with that twinkle in your blue eyes. I woke up that morning noting the absence of your arms around me, yet surrounded by the familiar sweet smell of the sheets and the smell of you. Being surrounded by you was exactly what I wanted. Being surrounded by you was almost more than I could bear.
Seven weeks my darling. Return to me. All I can do is continue to move through my days until you are safe. If I close my eyes and dream, I can taste the salt of your skin mixed with the salt of my tears on the day you come home to me.
always
k
I'm sitting here at my desk, thinking about you. You will be back in seven weeks. Will war have changed you? I wonder. Who will be returning to me?
I tried to mail you a card or a letter each week you were gone. I hope you found it more thoughtful than annoying. From September, when I dropped you off with all your gear on base, until now, I have been looking forward to your homecoming. It seemed as though you would be gone for an eternity, and seven weeks still feels like an eternity now. How could I possibly have missed you this much, and when will my heart stop missing you? I am so anxious to see you again. I am so excited at the thought of putting my arms around you and feeling the weight of your chest against me. Have you been missing me?
I remember the time a few years ago when you called me on a Friday night at 2:30am. You asked what I was doing, which was a strange question, but you told me to stay put because you were on your way to see me. I held my breath for those 4 hours until I felt the warmth of your skin next to mine. I remember your last words to me on Sunday night when you left me was that you were being called and we wouldn't be able to see each other for awhile. How wise you were then not to tell me until you were leaving. If you had told me sooner, I know I would have spent our days together crying. It didn't stop my heart from breaking or my blood from running cold at that moment.
I drove down to your place on the first Sunday after you went away. It was so strange and surreal to be there without you. I needed to feel the closeness of you. I wanted so much to open the door and see you sitting on the sofa, smiling at me with that twinkle in your blue eyes. I woke up that morning noting the absence of your arms around me, yet surrounded by the familiar sweet smell of the sheets and the smell of you. Being surrounded by you was exactly what I wanted. Being surrounded by you was almost more than I could bear.
Seven weeks my darling. Return to me. All I can do is continue to move through my days until you are safe. If I close my eyes and dream, I can taste the salt of your skin mixed with the salt of my tears on the day you come home to me.
always
k
Monday, February 8, 2010
Movie Classics
It's still a story without an ending; what about now?
Sometimes when it's late at night and I can't sleep (which happens often), I love finding an excellent, classic movie on TV.
The other night, I was up and it was pretty early. One of my very very most favourite movies was on ... Casablanca. Ilsa, Rick, Victor, Sam and of course Captain Renault. All of my favourite friends were there. Good and bad, war and peace, desire for freedom and captivity, and the indifferent (seemingly) handsome man who wants to stay uninvolved and detached but is anything but. It makes for the classic love story and one that has stuck with me since I saw it when I was 13.
I am a sucker for a love story. If you've never seen it, it's one that will stay with you. (I would stop reading here because I warn you ... spoiler alert). Man meets woman, woman falls in love with man, man falls in love with woman. Man loses woman but doesn't know why, man drinks himself into a stupor. Man moves on by opening a bar, only to have woman walk in one day with her husband. DAMN! Why does that always happen?? Indifferent man falls back in love woman and the two of them plan to spend the rest of their lives together while helping woman's husband escape with his life (to his agreement no less in return for his wife's happiness). Police arrest woman's husband but indifferent man helps get him free. At the very last moment, indifferent man has woman and her husband freed from Casablanca pretending not to care. Ah.... l'amour.
He loves her. I mean LOVES her. And she loves her husband but she loves indifferent man too. Torn between two loves, torn between two lives. I think we can all identify with that. And of course, a toast to ironic friendships. I swear, it doesn't get any better than this.
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Sometimes when it's late at night and I can't sleep (which happens often), I love finding an excellent, classic movie on TV.
The other night, I was up and it was pretty early. One of my very very most favourite movies was on ... Casablanca. Ilsa, Rick, Victor, Sam and of course Captain Renault. All of my favourite friends were there. Good and bad, war and peace, desire for freedom and captivity, and the indifferent (seemingly) handsome man who wants to stay uninvolved and detached but is anything but. It makes for the classic love story and one that has stuck with me since I saw it when I was 13.
I am a sucker for a love story. If you've never seen it, it's one that will stay with you. (I would stop reading here because I warn you ... spoiler alert). Man meets woman, woman falls in love with man, man falls in love with woman. Man loses woman but doesn't know why, man drinks himself into a stupor. Man moves on by opening a bar, only to have woman walk in one day with her husband. DAMN! Why does that always happen?? Indifferent man falls back in love woman and the two of them plan to spend the rest of their lives together while helping woman's husband escape with his life (to his agreement no less in return for his wife's happiness). Police arrest woman's husband but indifferent man helps get him free. At the very last moment, indifferent man has woman and her husband freed from Casablanca pretending not to care. Ah.... l'amour.
He loves her. I mean LOVES her. And she loves her husband but she loves indifferent man too. Torn between two loves, torn between two lives. I think we can all identify with that. And of course, a toast to ironic friendships. I swear, it doesn't get any better than this.
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Dearest k
Dearest k,
How is everything up north? It is really hot down here. Up in the high ninety's during the day, and near 100% humidity. So far it has just been a lot of crap. We stand around, spend a lot of time in the barracks, change uniforms, and then go stand somewhere else. These first few days are just in processing, taking care of personnel and medical issues. We start training in 2 days and it should be better then. We had to all get physicals today. I was almost disqualified because of my blood pressure. It was measured at 115/42. I don't know anything about it, but I hear that's pretty low. I told the medic that I was jut really relaxed, but he didn't seem to believe me. Oh well, I got by.
How are you doing? I was kinda worried about you after last weekend. I hope everything is working out okay. Just please don't do anything rash! I would hate to see you make a mistake. I don't want to sound like a nag, but I just don't want anything bad to happen to you. No matter what you might think, or my numerous letters in the past would indicate, I do care a great deal about you. I would really like for you to be as happy all the time as you were when you were chasing the plover on Ocracoke. You are too nice most of the time. Don't take any crap from anybody (except me of course), especially not C. Don't let him yell at you anymore. Decide what you want from him, and then firmly tell him how it's going to be! Be firm! Be tough!
I've gotta go now, I have to make rounds of the barracks. I'm on fire guard right now. These barracks are a serious firetrap. If one ever caught, it would go up in a heartbeat. So, we keep someone up throughout the night, rotating in 1 hour shifts. Every twenty minutes or so, you have to walk around the barracks and make sure there is no fire and that everyone is in their rack.
Feel free to write me here.
J
How is everything up north? It is really hot down here. Up in the high ninety's during the day, and near 100% humidity. So far it has just been a lot of crap. We stand around, spend a lot of time in the barracks, change uniforms, and then go stand somewhere else. These first few days are just in processing, taking care of personnel and medical issues. We start training in 2 days and it should be better then. We had to all get physicals today. I was almost disqualified because of my blood pressure. It was measured at 115/42. I don't know anything about it, but I hear that's pretty low. I told the medic that I was jut really relaxed, but he didn't seem to believe me. Oh well, I got by.
How are you doing? I was kinda worried about you after last weekend. I hope everything is working out okay. Just please don't do anything rash! I would hate to see you make a mistake. I don't want to sound like a nag, but I just don't want anything bad to happen to you. No matter what you might think, or my numerous letters in the past would indicate, I do care a great deal about you. I would really like for you to be as happy all the time as you were when you were chasing the plover on Ocracoke. You are too nice most of the time. Don't take any crap from anybody (except me of course), especially not C. Don't let him yell at you anymore. Decide what you want from him, and then firmly tell him how it's going to be! Be firm! Be tough!
I've gotta go now, I have to make rounds of the barracks. I'm on fire guard right now. These barracks are a serious firetrap. If one ever caught, it would go up in a heartbeat. So, we keep someone up throughout the night, rotating in 1 hour shifts. Every twenty minutes or so, you have to walk around the barracks and make sure there is no fire and that everyone is in their rack.
Feel free to write me here.
J
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