Dearest Heart

Life has not  been getting easier since you've been gone.  I wish I had different words for you to hear.

I still sleep with your pillow.  I still sleep on your side of the bed.  I still put your favourite sheets on the bed just so I can feel the closeness of you.  I still cry myself to sleep at night, not knowing how to diminish the hollowness in my heart.

I haven't been able to clean out your closet or give away your clothes.  It has been years and the familiar smell of you no longer lives there.  I used to lock myself up in there for hours just sitting amongst your things, tying the shoelaces on each pair of shoes you left behind.  I used to put them on my feet and walk around the closet so that it appeared as though you'd been there, searching through your impecably pressed shirts for the perfect one, and asking me about a matching tie. I used to put on your jackets so that I could feel the weight of you around me, holding me again.  Foolish.  I know. 

Dearheart, don't be angry with me for doing these things.  I am trying.  But tonight will not be one of those nights I succeed. 

I am wishing that I will see you soon, despite the sadness I know it will create for those I leave behind here.  But I am selfish and don't want to be reminded of that.  Not tonight. 

Not tonight.

k