Dearest k

Dearest k,

I don't know how many times I've jumped when the phone rang today.  Then I remembered you were gone.  It's just as well though that you're gone, because the phones here all went dead. Every phone in the house is out.  So even if you were here, I couldn't talk to you.

So I'm just sitting here at 12:11am listening to the cheezy station.  It starts getting really cheezy after 12:30, so we'll have to wait a little for me to match the radio station.  For some reason I always feel extremely cheezy when I've been away from you for awhile.  It's probably withdrawal.  I just dropped you off 24 hours ago.  I'm really glad I got to spend some time with you.  I always look forward to seeing you.  Any time I can, I want to see you, so don't bother asking if I want to.  Just tell me where and when.  I'll be there if at all humanly possible.  I'm really sorry about last night.  You weren't enjoying yourself too much were you.  I'm sorry.  I should have made the evening more special for you, as it is one of the few times we get to spend together.  I love you so much, and I want to do whatever it takes to make you happy. I feel like I failed miserably at that last night though.

Tell me, what can I do to make you really really happy?  I'll do anything for you.  I'm sorry that I make you cry all the time.  I don't mean to.  It just breaks my heart to know that I'm the reason you're crying. I'm glad I was there to hold you though.  If I'm gonna make you cry, I want to hold you while you do it.  I want to hold you, comfort you, protect you, and keep you warm. I want to make you feel safe and comfortable.  Most of all I want to make you feel loved. I really do love you and I want you to know that, not just because I tell you. I want it to be obvious to you in everything I do or say.  I want you to feel it in every touch of my hand, in every hug and in every kiss.  That's what I want to do, whether or not I've been successful I don't know, I hope I have.  I just want to make you feel the way you make me feel.

I can see the love in your eyes.  I can feel it when you hug me.  When you hug me, a wave of warmth comes rushing over me.  No one else can do that.  Do you know how special you make me feel?  You make me feel like I'm standing on top of the world.  I don't think you could possibly understand how much I love you because of the clumsy way I go about showing it. I just want to do right by you and give you some times you'll always remember.  I want you, when you're 85 and sitting on the swing on the front porch of your cabin looking out across the lake, to be able to think back and know that you were loved by a skinny, little, awkward boy who talked funny.  I know I'll always remember you and the way you love me.

Goodnight my love, and wherever you are, I hope you're warm and safe.  I wish you were here though, so I had another chance to show how much I love you.

lovingly,
J