Obsession

I will admit it.  I won't admit it loudly and openly in a crowded room, but I will admit it here.  I am obsessed with tea.

If you've ever seen my tea cupboard, which is a bit of an understatement,  you will wonder where I ever found so much tea and when I think I will ever finish drinking it all.  I suppose if I drank 3 cups of tea a day, I will never ever finish drinking all the tea that I have in my tea "closet". 

I LOVE tea.  I love having different flavours at my disposal.  I love having the traditional asian oolong, jasmine, genmaicha and matcha teas sitting next to my western Celestial Seasonings tea (you must try Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride when it comes out over the holidays!).  I love having all of my mesh tea balls sitting, screaming to be filled with loose leaf tea, and my timid Honey Bear sitting at the edge just waiting to be huged.  All of it screams comfort and joy to me.  All of it. 

The first time my fiance saw my tea cupboard he just about died.  He didn't know what to say, and to be honest, it was a good year before I even let him open one of the cupboard doors.  He didn't know what to make of my dirty little secret.  To this day, it is something that isn't spoken about.

One of my favourite memories is being out with a dear dear friend who knew of my obsession with tea.  He took me to the most zen of tea houses located (who knew) in Kansas.  Through it's open doors, we could hear the waterfall that was on the back wall, and wandered through walls and walls of the most exquisite teas displayed in beautiful canisters.  Rows and rows of green, black and white teas.  We chose our tea.  It was brought out in delicate glass tea cups and a delicate glass tea pot holding the leaves inside.  Accompanying our tea was a timer.  When it went off, it was time to remove the tea leaves from the water.  Each tea had a specific brew time for optimal flavour.  When my timer beeped, I removed my tea leaves, poured my tea into my cup, inhaled the delicious scent of a perfectly brewed cup, and took a sip.  Heaven.  We stayed for a good hour just talking and drinking tea.  The perfect day.

Yesterday I wandered into the city to one of my favourite places for off the wall teas.  Davids Tea.  Love this place.  It isn't where I'd go to get my matcha tea or hunt for the special uniqueness and delicate flavours of white tea, but for something fun and cheerful to drink, David's is the place.  With my fiance in tow, I unleashed my obsession all over the store and bought way too much tea.

I've had 3 cups so far today, and the day is far from over...

Dearest k

Dearest k,

thank you for letting me spend these last two days with you.  I really enjoyed our time.  I wish we could have just sat and held onto each other without ever stopping.  When I am around you, I feel a compelling desire to never let you go.  It's your fault.  I don't get this way with anyone else.  Maybe it's just my little way of hanging onto you.  If I don't ever let go, I don't ever have to let go.  Understand?  Good. 

Whenever I think about you, I start to weaken.  Do you know how beautiful you are?  Not just your outward appearance, but you're so beautiful inside too.  I always thought that I could fall in love with someone, even if they weren't stunningly beautiful, as long as everything else was there.  But with you, I got everything. 

I can understand why so many people want to be there by your side.  I don't like it, but I can definitely understand it.  If I wasn't with you, I'd be wanting to be.  I just can't believe how lucky I am to have you.  What is it?  Why am I chosen over all the other guys?  Why am I the lucky one?  I know you've already answered that, but I like hearing it.  I am glad that you did pick me. 

I can't believe how important you've become to me.  I can't believe how much I've grown to love you.  I love you more than anything in the world.  You said it scares you how "fond" of me you've become.  Well, I almost don't want you to know how much I love you, for fear of scaring you away.  I don't want to scare you, but I've got a pretty serious case of it.  The reason I keep thinking about the future with you is that somewhere in the back of my mind I want it to happen.  What scares me is that it's not that far back in my mind.  I don't know what you've done to me, but I'm fairly irrevocably smitten by your charming ways, and I hope you don't stop. 

I love you k, I don't know if I've ever been able to say that as truthfully as when I say it to you.

Love J

Dear Jhames

Dear J,

it has been years since you were taken from me, and yet this morning, when I awoke, I found my leg drifting over to your side of the bed, seeking warmth.  I despise mornings that begin that way. 

I muddled my way through the morning ritual (I can no longer call it our morning ritual) and find myself here now, getting ready to walk out the door with my coffee and keys in hand.

I miss our morning kiss.

Stay safe, wherever you are.

k

hiding crazy

There are things we do and parts of us that we hide away from others.  Lets just call them the crazies.  Now, these things aren't necessarily things that we need to seek psychiatric help for by any means, but they are just things that we do in private that don't need to be shared by anybody else in this world. The way I like to think of them would be my "little indulgences".

I have always lived alone.  I've had 3 roommates ever in my life since I moved out of my parents' house at 19.  My parents were great.  They never sifted through my room, or rummaged through my belongings.  Privacy was well respected at home.  I lived alone through university with the exception of my second year of undergraduate studies, and two semesters during graduate studies.  I'm not sure if I would consider sharing 1 bathroom in a room of 6 women at the research station during my graduate studies roommates, so I'm not going to count them.  Things are about to change drastically.

I am getting married this year.  Yes.  Something that I had not planned on, but am thrilled about.  And now, within a year, I am going to have to share my indulgences with somebody else.  Dear God, please help me.

Happy 2010

I started 2010 surrounded by my sister, her husband, my fiance and my beautiful 3 year old and 8 week old nephews in New York City. It was fun and festive and lovely. I could not have imagined a better start to the year.

2009 was not at all what I thought it would be. It was marred by sad events, deaths of people I loved, endings of relationships, realizations about people who I thought would be at my side forever. All of which are lessons that I will keep close to me and learn from in order not to repeat them. If I sit in bitterness and not learn anything, that would just be time wasted that I will never get back.

As 2010 brings new beginnings, life changing events, I will keep challenging myself to be better. I will keep challenging myself to be loving, considerate and empathetic. I will keep challenging myself to push and heal physically so that I can return or at least get closer to normal functioning. I will keep challenging myself to be the friend that I would want to have, the sister, the daughter, the granddaughter and the future wife that I know everyone would want to have. I will be true to myself and live my life without any shame, regret or sadness. Each day will hold a new adventure and I will look forward to them with a smile on my face.

2010. I am already in love with you.