I'm sorry, k

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I said last night. I do not want to hurt you, although that seems all I am capable of lately. My frustration got the better of me, and for that I apologize. I wish things between us were easier, but I don't know what to do about it.

I know that I have not been fair to you, I'm sorry. I'm very confused with my life right now, and that carries over into my relationship with you. For the first time in my life I have no idea where I am going. That scares me. My whole life I have always known what was coming next. I have always had structure, either imposed upon me (school, ****), or created by me (my last job, where I set my own schedule, and had everything planned). Since I started production at M*****, I feel like I am playing catch up every minute of everyday. I never know when, or from where the next account is coming from, and for the first 2 years I am only as good as my next account. I feel like Westley when he was serving under the Dread Pirate Roberts. "Good work today Westley, though I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It consumes me. I have never failed at anything my whole life, and now, everyday I am inches from losing my job. I hate this feeling. At once I am tempted to forget the whole thing and move on, and also I refuse to leave with my tail between my legs, beaten by this business. It has become my whole life, and I hate that. I know this is not a healthy way to live, but my stubborn pride won't let me walk out while I am a failure.

My pride has always been my downfall. I know there are easier ways than the paths I have sometimes chosen, but I continue to steadfastly cling to some antique notion of pride and personal honor. I know you don't understand this. I don't expect you to. I just hope you can accept it as one of my many character flaws. In many ways it is my pride that gets in the way of my relationship with you. Right now I don't see myself as a worthy suitor for anyone, least of all you. I told you I loved you, because I do. I just can't let myself love you right now. I have a few more demons to chase, and many things to straighten out in my own life before I can invite someone else in. Just as you would clean up your house before inviting someone in, I must clean up my life before I invite anyone in. I have said many conflicting things because I am torn between what I feel, and what I can allow. That is not fair to you, I'm sorry. You say you have seen me relax at times, and then tense up and hide behind my walls at others. I hide because I do not want you to see what I have become.

It tears me up inside when you pressure me to answer questions about us. I want to tell you that you are wonderful, but I worry about what it will mean to you. You place so much importance on everything we say and do, I sometimes feel as though I am in a minefield, with no map, not knowing when I will set you off. So the more you press, the more I run and hide. That is why I wish we could just spend time together with no expectations, and no pressure. Just enjoying the time together. We had that for a few moments in St. ***, I wish we could get it back. I don't mean to say that what we say and do doesn't mean anything, just that it doesn't have to mean everything. I know I haven't been totally honest with you about my feelings, I'm sorry. But you must understand that I don't always understand my own conflicting emotions, how can I articulate them to you. I wish I could be as clear about everything that I think and feel as you seem to be, but the fact of the matter is I am not able. You have to accept that I am confused. I don't expect you to wait until I sort my life out. If you must move on and be with someone else, so be it. I would rather you be happy with someone else, than miserable with me. Don't read into that statement more than is there. It does not mean that I don't care about you, and want to work something out with you. It simply means that I want you to be happy, in whatever form that takes. Would it bother me if you were with someone else, yes of course. But it would bother me more if you were unhappy. You probably don't believe me as I say this, because you believe that I have some ulterior motive, and always want to ruin your relationships, forcing to end up a spinster pining away for me. I have never toyed with you, and have never done anything according to a plan. That fact that you would say that is quite possibly the worst thing you have ever said to me, and wounds me deeply.

I have rambled on quite enough. That facts as they stand now are:

1) I do care about you very deeply.
2) I have to sort out my own life before I can commit to anything.
3) I want you to be happy, and do not expect you to put your life on hold while I sort out mine.
4) You don't trust me, and probably never will again.

I miss being friends with you. You are my oldest surviving friend and you know me better than almost anyone on earth. I just wish we could check our baggage at the door, and enjoy getting to know each other as we are now. I miss you.

the soundtrack of my life

My mind floods with memories whenever a certain song plays through the air.  I can just hear the notes and it transforms me and takes me to another time and place. Small tedious moments, grandious happy moments, and of course the heart breaking moments.

Everclear:  screaming at the top of my lungs while driving across the Mojave desert at 3am while driving from Phoenix to LA.  One of the most LIBERATING moments of my life.

Gin Blossoms:  driving across NC and across the Alligator Bridge.  slept through most of the ride, but still remember the pecan pinwheels we ate on the beach at Ocracoke.

Matchbox 20:  driving back and forth from Watertown to Sacketts Harbor for years.  Memories of Fred Robster, Appleby's and love.

The Smiths:  a bus trip to Quebec City with my fellow classmates in the 8th grade.  what a hoot!  to be young again.

Spirit of the West:  ALL OVER EUROPE!

Norah Jones:  a concert in Toronto before she was known and a Grammy winner.  $10 and up close and personal.  A lover's quarrel in the midst of the concert ruined a bit of the flavour, however, I still love Norah... but ditched the lover.

Pachabel:  a dark room, lovers entwined, declaring their love.  First and enduring love.

Dixie Chicks:  driving like lunatics in the Jeep all over Montreal.  Snow, cold, frost, slipping and sliding.  An utterly fantastic night.

Sublime:  Wow.  Porch number 8, happy hour every night at 5:30pm after the day's work was done.  Discussing science, dissecting research, laughing, camaraderie, unmeasurable friendships and kinships brought together by a small place in the mountains of AZ.

Maxwell:  an old friend.  a lovely apartment in Montreal.  Listening to music.  Looking at him for the first time and realizing that friendship isn't the only thing on my mind...

Hodo:  acoustic guitar, a deep soothing voice, songs that touch the heart.  a moment where two people realize they share the same passion for music and subsequently become forever joined. Welcome to Tucson.

Diana Krall:  driving around on base the day a lover is leaving for war.  how do you say all of the things that are flooding your mind? how do you say good by to somebody who may not come back?  how do you pour your heart out? you don't.  you eat grilled cheese sandwiches on post, drive around holding hands, kiss passionately and let go. Good old US of A.

Bright eyes:  realizing that this will be the first song you dance to when  you are somebody's wife... can't wait to see how that dance goes...

Tracy Chapman:  so many tied up to this artist.  Georgia.  A promise to return, if you promise to wait.  3am in Montreal, waiting, hoping, feeling. 

Smashmouth:  Georgia... *laugh*

Ben Harper:  driving around the mountains of northern Colorado, across the state to the lower part, and home of the Great Gorge.  how I wished you were with me.  oh how I wished

Chantal Kreviazuk:  candles lit after a 2am phone call declaring you are coming to visit.  6am you arrive in my arms and all is right in the world again.

Culture Club:  Oh Sabina!  Driving across AZ and NM....with one tape.  Truck stops, unusual bony fish skeleton heads in Texas...flat tires near the Road Kill Cafe, NM.  could it have been more of a blast??

Lush:  dancing around my Montreal appartment knowing that I finally extricated myself from the most complicated situation ever and loving it....even if it was short lived

The Strokes:  Brampton, Grimsby, Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Indianna.  Quite the trip to reach Graceland with one of my dearest hearts.  We should do it more often. 

Sugarland:  Mississauga. knowing that I was in trouble.  knowing I had found a love that comes only once in a lifetime, but I wasn't the only girl who had found that once in a lifetime love.  I had to do what was right for myself.  regrets?  no.  just experiences that have left a mark on my heart, but I think it builds character, don't you?

George Strait:  North Carolina. anything with George ties me to you.  So run baby, just run....

I could go on.  So many moments, so many people.  It is the soundtrack of my life.  Music.  May I never be without it.

k, please just hear me

k,

I need you to hear me. You won't pick up the telephone, you won't email me back.  I am so sorry.  I cannot believe I have done this to you.

I want you to know, for whatever it is worth (and I know, it is very little), that when you came into my life, I did not know what to do. You literally changed my world in ways I could not understand or cope with. You are that woman, that kindred spirit, who was so brilliant in her laughter and spirit that I was overwhelmed. Yes I was supposed to be married. But when we were together, I felt like I was given a key to an emotional paradise, and looking back I was experiencing such immense vulnerability that caused me to react badly. The thing is, and please you must accept this one thing as true, I never, ever thought, deep down, that I had a chance with someone like you. Never. Eventually I knew you'd find someone as handsome and intelligent as you are beautiful and intuitive. You were a 10 to my 5, and this is a deep-rooted self-esteem that has always kicked in. And with you, it kicked in hard.

I didn't think you would accept me. I wasn't good looking enough, or as financially well-off as the other men you had dated. You clearly were a woman of very good taste, and I knew I'd never be able to give you what you deserved. Your wonderful sense of understated style, your love of things wonderfully delightful and unique. I thought this many times, how can I give her anything close to what she wants? I remember you mentioned the Amalfi coast, and I thought, that is so great, but also so expensive and beyond my means. I dont know, you have to remember I grew up with almost no friends. I dont value myself very highly, and I devalued myself next to you for a number of reasons, including emotionally and financially. Yes, I lied. I felt and knew that if you got to know the real me, the true person, that you would see what I saw in myself -- and then you would leave. In my immaturity, I started to lie about the when and the where, in the hopes you would believe I was better than I was. And all the while I was desperately trying to seek validation in your company. I did, and do love you, and I know that I am not worthy of your love, or even friendship. I admit I have done a terrible thing, and I have destroyed a potentially life-changing and wonderful friendship, with whom I had much to share.

I just want you to know,that is where it all came from. I didn't feel good enough to be around you, as a person. No one had ever wanted to be around me the way you did, and I honestly thought you had misjudged me and would soon find out I was not as funny or smart as you thought I was. I feared being exposed for who I really was. I tried to cover this up so much. I was lost, confused, fearful. My world had turned upside down. For the record, I did go to LA, and for the record I went to counselling, and I am still going. I know this to be true because I'm spending $150 per weekly session. I mean, we're not even living together anymore. Listen, I dont have anything to gain from telling you this. I know you're done, you're gone. And the rest of my world is also falling by the wayside. All I can hope and pray for is that you can at least understand a little about why I did what I did, and hope that you don't think I am a complete monster or utterly inhumane. I have lost most of what had made up my life over the past six months.

I cannot begin to address everything I have done, and maybe you don't want me to. I was trying to compensate for MYSELF. I don't give myself credit, nor do I give others credit to see me for me. I lied, and they spiraled out of control. I was out of control in so many ways. It doesn't excuse it. The truth is, I know you gave everything you had. I loved you for that. I really did. I am a selfish person, no doubt,and that is something I know I need to change. When I need to cope, I turn inward. It's what I know.

You have every right to indict me, to hate me. I accept that. I can only say that I am truly sorry, and that more than anything else, it was my emotional confusion and lack of self esteem that is at the root cause.

I want to say more. I want to make it right, if that is even possible. I don't even know what that means. I guess I'm writing this because I really do care about you, and because, I hope one day you can accept that you did not get taken for a ride by an evil jerk, but instead by one that was selfish and confused but did not have the explicit intent to do harm. I didn't meet you and think, let's screw with her and leech her life energy. I ... I just fucked up terribly. And it spiraled out of control.

You are right, I gave very little of myself. The truth is, I have trouble giving. I protect myself to such a ridiculous extent. And here you were before me, this wonderful woman, and I didn't know how to tear down the personal walls I had erected for so many years. I became defensive and deflected everything, at every opportunity. It has always been a gut instinct to do this when I feel at risk. Except THIS time, I wasn't vulnerable to something harmful; for the first time, I felt vulnerability in another sense, emotionally, but I wasn't intuitive to realize the difference. And I turned into the self-defense robot.

You are a beautiful person. You have that sense of spirit, that joie de vivre, that I have always sought in a woman, and in all my friends. You have passion, you laugh, you think, you have fun, you discover. I KNOW you aren't so selfish or shallow. You crave the little things, the beautiful details of everyday. I told you once, I fell in love with you during that cartoon commercial, where the centipede goes down an elevator and it makes that weird face. It lasted 1 second, but you saw it, rewound the PVR, and laughed at it again. That blew me away. Ever since that moment I knew you were a person that cared deeply about the little things, the intangibles, the silly, the weird, and the happy and sad. I know you're not superficial. I know you're extremely intelligent. I saw it every time you noticed something out of the corner of your eye. I noticed it every time you mentioned something in detail, far after it had occurred or passed our field of vision. I could go on. I really could. For hours. But I have to admit, although I could list so many things, the real reason I fell for you was because I just ... felt it. It was just there. It awakened something in me. Flipped a switch I didn't think existed.

I can only repeat what I said that day we spoke: I know I have failed you deeply and miserably. I can only hope that one day, you can find it in yourself to give me a chance to earn your trust, respect and company. I do not pretend to think this is a distinct possibility. Even now I want to call you. But I respect that we are operating on your terms. I promised not to bother you unless you wanted to talk. I deleted your phone numbers so you don't have to worry about random calls.

I know you have plenty of people in your life. And I know they haven't lied to you. A lot. What I'm doing, I guess, is trying desperately to ask for your forgiveness. And this desperation, this urgency, is based on the emotions I felt for you, the belief that something special had been unlocked for the first time in my ** years on this earth. I felt as if we had unlocked something together. And despite my many misgivings, I felt like our emotions were true and real, even if I tried not to be. I, personally, cannot deny what I believed to be the rarest of connections. But I understand that I may have destroyed it, irrevocably. I am so sorry. Do you think you could ever forgive such a person? If the answer is no, I will never bother you again. I swear it.


M

Mendelssohn's March

I am trying to figure out our wedding music.  I knew that this was going to be difficult (and I'm sure that writing my vows will just about kill me).

My fiance (I am currently choking on that word) and I, are not your typical wedding people.  But like typical wedding people, we want to make our day a very special and personalized one.  Hence, no Mendelssohn's March for this girl.

I've been searching through all of my CDs, MP3s and even my LPs, for those of us who actually know what they are and still own some. I don't listen to mainstream music, and neither does my MTB (mate to be? man to be?).  That makes things even more difficult.  He's a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll.  Just kidding.  And if you are old enough to remember that line....well, if that wasn't mentioned on an episode of "Friends" and "googled" afterward, I don't think I'd know it either. 

We have our first dance song chosen.  I listened to music for hours and hours until I thought one more note would push me over the edge. I compiled a list of 5 songs that I thought best reflected our two personalities, passed them on to my HTB (husband to be?) and ta-dah!  We had our first dance song. 

Cocktail music was easy;  a little Wynton, Miles, Coltrane, Mingus and of course who can leave out Sarah Vaughan?

But what about walking down the aisle music?  I know what we're walking out to once we're married.  It came to us in the car, just a flash after having our dinner and wine tasting.  We broke out into peals laughter when we first came up with it, but there was no disputing it.  That was going to be the FIRST song we wanted to hear as we are announced as husband and wife.

*sigh*  It may be a long night of music.  I best pull out the bottle of wine, light some candles, and pour myself a celebratory shot of Patron for when it comes to me.  I know it will....I hope it will...