I'm sorry, k

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I said last night. I do not want to hurt you, although that seems all I am capable of lately. My frustration got the better of me, and for that I apologize. I wish things between us were easier, but I don't know what to do about it.

I know that I have not been fair to you, I'm sorry. I'm very confused with my life right now, and that carries over into my relationship with you. For the first time in my life I have no idea where I am going. That scares me. My whole life I have always known what was coming next. I have always had structure, either imposed upon me (school, ****), or created by me (my last job, where I set my own schedule, and had everything planned). Since I started production at M*****, I feel like I am playing catch up every minute of everyday. I never know when, or from where the next account is coming from, and for the first 2 years I am only as good as my next account. I feel like Westley when he was serving under the Dread Pirate Roberts. "Good work today Westley, though I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It consumes me. I have never failed at anything my whole life, and now, everyday I am inches from losing my job. I hate this feeling. At once I am tempted to forget the whole thing and move on, and also I refuse to leave with my tail between my legs, beaten by this business. It has become my whole life, and I hate that. I know this is not a healthy way to live, but my stubborn pride won't let me walk out while I am a failure.

My pride has always been my downfall. I know there are easier ways than the paths I have sometimes chosen, but I continue to steadfastly cling to some antique notion of pride and personal honor. I know you don't understand this. I don't expect you to. I just hope you can accept it as one of my many character flaws. In many ways it is my pride that gets in the way of my relationship with you. Right now I don't see myself as a worthy suitor for anyone, least of all you. I told you I loved you, because I do. I just can't let myself love you right now. I have a few more demons to chase, and many things to straighten out in my own life before I can invite someone else in. Just as you would clean up your house before inviting someone in, I must clean up my life before I invite anyone in. I have said many conflicting things because I am torn between what I feel, and what I can allow. That is not fair to you, I'm sorry. You say you have seen me relax at times, and then tense up and hide behind my walls at others. I hide because I do not want you to see what I have become.

It tears me up inside when you pressure me to answer questions about us. I want to tell you that you are wonderful, but I worry about what it will mean to you. You place so much importance on everything we say and do, I sometimes feel as though I am in a minefield, with no map, not knowing when I will set you off. So the more you press, the more I run and hide. That is why I wish we could just spend time together with no expectations, and no pressure. Just enjoying the time together. We had that for a few moments in St. ***, I wish we could get it back. I don't mean to say that what we say and do doesn't mean anything, just that it doesn't have to mean everything. I know I haven't been totally honest with you about my feelings, I'm sorry. But you must understand that I don't always understand my own conflicting emotions, how can I articulate them to you. I wish I could be as clear about everything that I think and feel as you seem to be, but the fact of the matter is I am not able. You have to accept that I am confused. I don't expect you to wait until I sort my life out. If you must move on and be with someone else, so be it. I would rather you be happy with someone else, than miserable with me. Don't read into that statement more than is there. It does not mean that I don't care about you, and want to work something out with you. It simply means that I want you to be happy, in whatever form that takes. Would it bother me if you were with someone else, yes of course. But it would bother me more if you were unhappy. You probably don't believe me as I say this, because you believe that I have some ulterior motive, and always want to ruin your relationships, forcing to end up a spinster pining away for me. I have never toyed with you, and have never done anything according to a plan. That fact that you would say that is quite possibly the worst thing you have ever said to me, and wounds me deeply.

I have rambled on quite enough. That facts as they stand now are:

1) I do care about you very deeply.
2) I have to sort out my own life before I can commit to anything.
3) I want you to be happy, and do not expect you to put your life on hold while I sort out mine.
4) You don't trust me, and probably never will again.

I miss being friends with you. You are my oldest surviving friend and you know me better than almost anyone on earth. I just wish we could check our baggage at the door, and enjoy getting to know each other as we are now. I miss you.