k,
I need you to hear me. You won't pick up the telephone, you won't email me back. I am so sorry. I cannot believe I have done this to you.
I want you to know, for whatever it is worth (and I know, it is very little), that when you came into my life, I did not know what to do. You literally changed my world in ways I could not understand or cope with. You are that woman, that kindred spirit, who was so brilliant in her laughter and spirit that I was overwhelmed. Yes I was supposed to be married. But when we were together, I felt like I was given a key to an emotional paradise, and looking back I was experiencing such immense vulnerability that caused me to react badly. The thing is, and please you must accept this one thing as true, I never, ever thought, deep down, that I had a chance with someone like you. Never. Eventually I knew you'd find someone as handsome and intelligent as you are beautiful and intuitive. You were a 10 to my 5, and this is a deep-rooted self-esteem that has always kicked in. And with you, it kicked in hard.
I didn't think you would accept me. I wasn't good looking enough, or as financially well-off as the other men you had dated. You clearly were a woman of very good taste, and I knew I'd never be able to give you what you deserved. Your wonderful sense of understated style, your love of things wonderfully delightful and unique. I thought this many times, how can I give her anything close to what she wants? I remember you mentioned the Amalfi coast, and I thought, that is so great, but also so expensive and beyond my means. I dont know, you have to remember I grew up with almost no friends. I dont value myself very highly, and I devalued myself next to you for a number of reasons, including emotionally and financially. Yes, I lied. I felt and knew that if you got to know the real me, the true person, that you would see what I saw in myself -- and then you would leave. In my immaturity, I started to lie about the when and the where, in the hopes you would believe I was better than I was. And all the while I was desperately trying to seek validation in your company. I did, and do love you, and I know that I am not worthy of your love, or even friendship. I admit I have done a terrible thing, and I have destroyed a potentially life-changing and wonderful friendship, with whom I had much to share.
I just want you to know,that is where it all came from. I didn't feel good enough to be around you, as a person. No one had ever wanted to be around me the way you did, and I honestly thought you had misjudged me and would soon find out I was not as funny or smart as you thought I was. I feared being exposed for who I really was. I tried to cover this up so much. I was lost, confused, fearful. My world had turned upside down. For the record, I did go to LA, and for the record I went to counselling, and I am still going. I know this to be true because I'm spending $150 per weekly session. I mean, we're not even living together anymore. Listen, I dont have anything to gain from telling you this. I know you're done, you're gone. And the rest of my world is also falling by the wayside. All I can hope and pray for is that you can at least understand a little about why I did what I did, and hope that you don't think I am a complete monster or utterly inhumane. I have lost most of what had made up my life over the past six months.
I cannot begin to address everything I have done, and maybe you don't want me to. I was trying to compensate for MYSELF. I don't give myself credit, nor do I give others credit to see me for me. I lied, and they spiraled out of control. I was out of control in so many ways. It doesn't excuse it. The truth is, I know you gave everything you had. I loved you for that. I really did. I am a selfish person, no doubt,and that is something I know I need to change. When I need to cope, I turn inward. It's what I know.
You have every right to indict me, to hate me. I accept that. I can only say that I am truly sorry, and that more than anything else, it was my emotional confusion and lack of self esteem that is at the root cause.
I want to say more. I want to make it right, if that is even possible. I don't even know what that means. I guess I'm writing this because I really do care about you, and because, I hope one day you can accept that you did not get taken for a ride by an evil jerk, but instead by one that was selfish and confused but did not have the explicit intent to do harm. I didn't meet you and think, let's screw with her and leech her life energy. I ... I just fucked up terribly. And it spiraled out of control.
You are right, I gave very little of myself. The truth is, I have trouble giving. I protect myself to such a ridiculous extent. And here you were before me, this wonderful woman, and I didn't know how to tear down the personal walls I had erected for so many years. I became defensive and deflected everything, at every opportunity. It has always been a gut instinct to do this when I feel at risk. Except THIS time, I wasn't vulnerable to something harmful; for the first time, I felt vulnerability in another sense, emotionally, but I wasn't intuitive to realize the difference. And I turned into the self-defense robot.
You are a beautiful person. You have that sense of spirit, that joie de vivre, that I have always sought in a woman, and in all my friends. You have passion, you laugh, you think, you have fun, you discover. I KNOW you aren't so selfish or shallow. You crave the little things, the beautiful details of everyday. I told you once, I fell in love with you during that cartoon commercial, where the centipede goes down an elevator and it makes that weird face. It lasted 1 second, but you saw it, rewound the PVR, and laughed at it again. That blew me away. Ever since that moment I knew you were a person that cared deeply about the little things, the intangibles, the silly, the weird, and the happy and sad. I know you're not superficial. I know you're extremely intelligent. I saw it every time you noticed something out of the corner of your eye. I noticed it every time you mentioned something in detail, far after it had occurred or passed our field of vision. I could go on. I really could. For hours. But I have to admit, although I could list so many things, the real reason I fell for you was because I just ... felt it. It was just there. It awakened something in me. Flipped a switch I didn't think existed.
I can only repeat what I said that day we spoke: I know I have failed you deeply and miserably. I can only hope that one day, you can find it in yourself to give me a chance to earn your trust, respect and company. I do not pretend to think this is a distinct possibility. Even now I want to call you. But I respect that we are operating on your terms. I promised not to bother you unless you wanted to talk. I deleted your phone numbers so you don't have to worry about random calls.
I know you have plenty of people in your life. And I know they haven't lied to you. A lot. What I'm doing, I guess, is trying desperately to ask for your forgiveness. And this desperation, this urgency, is based on the emotions I felt for you, the belief that something special had been unlocked for the first time in my ** years on this earth. I felt as if we had unlocked something together. And despite my many misgivings, I felt like our emotions were true and real, even if I tried not to be. I, personally, cannot deny what I believed to be the rarest of connections. But I understand that I may have destroyed it, irrevocably. I am so sorry. Do you think you could ever forgive such a person? If the answer is no, I will never bother you again. I swear it.
M
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