Dearest k

Dearest k,

that still doesn't sound right, even though you are very dear to me.  I had a bit of time on my hands and wanted to stop and share my thoughts with you.  During these quiet moments that come too few and far in between, I talk to you in my head.  No, I'm not crazy.  I just miss talking to you.

How are you doing?  I hate seeing you like this.  I want so much for you to be happy.  Remember that time we drove down to the edge of the lake?  That was a great afternoon.  Rock hunting was fun, but I say we go around the bend next time.  Not like I'm not pretty close to being around the bend anyway.  I must agree with you, it was ever so choice.  The setting was great, we had the rocks (I like rocks), the water (I like water, especially those sparkly reflections), the sun (I like the sun) and great company (I loved the company).  Even though we didn't really go somewhere, just down the street, I really enjoyed being with you.

Please don't cry.  I wish I could be there so offer you some support.  But you know, any time you need an ear, a shoulder, or any other body part for that matter, I am here for you, I am in your heart.  If there is anything you need, don't hesitate to ask, just say the word and it's done.  I'm very serious about that.  I would move heaven and earth to get you what you need.  Please promise me one thing; please don't worry about me.  There is nothing to worry about.  I am in no danger whatsoever. Really.  I am untouchable.  (I know you're smiling at that line).  I just wish I could find a way to help you.  I know you said that if it made things easier for me, I could just walk away from this relationship and concentrate on what has to be done here.  Well, I won't exercise that option.  I've found what I want and if this is the price I must pay, so be it.  Truth is, I'm prepared to pay a much higher price for you.  If you were or are curious as to how I feel, there it is, you have it in writing now.  I have grown to love you, and am willing to do what is necessary to stay with you, as long as you will have me.  I don't know what else to say on this subject, besides that I will be there anytime, for as long as you want me.  I realize that things are going to be a wee bit difficult from now on (Southerners are masters of the understatement), but I'll take whatever I can get, because you're special.  You've even said that I risked my life for you already (remember that vicious puppy?), you can't easily top that!  I'm just sorry that we have to be apart like this.  I feel like it is my fault, I feel like you are being made to suffer because of the choices I've made.  I'm so sorry for that.  I don't ever want you to be hurt and I wish I could stop the pain.  I want for us to be able to get away from all of this to that cabin in the woods you dream about, with the dog, and even, God help me, the Volvo you've always been wanting.  What about a truck?  Could we get a truck instead??

I'm glad that we finally got a second to talk to each other, even if it was just for a second.  I look forward to talking to you.  Just hearing your voice makes me happy.  I wish it were under better circumstances though.

My parents are worried about you though.  They like you quite a bit.

Well, it's getting late and I should go.  But first there's one thing you should know.  Somewhere out there, there's a country boy who talks kinda funny, has terrible bow-legs, and small, ruined hands, who loves you.  I hope you have a good night.

lovingly,
J

Dearest J

My dearest,

your mother sent me a card and I received it in the mail today.  She thanked me for forwarding on the photos that I had of us together during these last few months, and even some of our vacation pictures from years back.  She had not seen them before and was delighted when she saw the photo I took of you, when we were at your place in New York.  Remember the one when you were dancing around the living room with those ridiculous mittens on your feet?  God, we laughed so hard that night, tears were streaming down our faces and then the inevitable popcorn fight ensued.  It took me forever to clean up all the bits and pieces that night. I think I still found some kernels months after the war was over.

I know how you feel about writing to your family during this time, but dearest, your mother is so worried.  She is just concerned about you.  Please just send her a quick letter when you can?  Or write a letter to me that I can share with them.  I'm sure she would be pleased just to hear of the mundane details of every day life.

How are you my darling?  Did you receive my package yet?  Sometimes they get there sooner than others.  I hope you like the things that I put into the box.  Each one was deliberately chosen and placed.  Please don't be homesick by it.  It is meant to liven up your spirits.  Oh yes, I did include a magazine or two.  Feel free to share them with the other guys.  I doubt that there is a shortage of reading material but I thought those might be in need...if you catch my drift *wink*.

I miss you today as much as I did yesterday and as much as I did the day before.  That won't change.  I am however keeping the smile on my face knowing that Christmas is lurking around the corner, and you will at least have a week and a half here with me!  I plan on cooking all of your favourites you know.  And yes, since we could not celebrate your birthday together this year, for dessert we will be having pumpkin pie and pineapple upside down cake.  It's a birthday tradition.  How can I not bake one just for you, my love?  Oh my god, remember that time we left the pumpkin pie on the kitchen counter and K**** somehow managed to eat it ... but just in the inside????  The crust was left perfectly in tact!!!  How could a golden retriever manage to leave the light flaky crust completely perfect but eat every single last dollop of pumpkin filling?  Poor darling had the biggest tummy ache the next day but I'm sure she thought it was worth every last bit.

Stay safe my dear heart.  I have so much I want to do over the holidays, but none of it will happen.  We will have a small family dinner, and then I want you all to myself.  Do you think we could do that?

You have my heart.  Bring it with you when you come home.

always,
k

Dear k

Hello again,

sorry it has been awhile.  Things get kind of busy here from time to time.  We also lost our internet access for awhile.  It seems somebody cut some cables somewhere with a vehicle.  I swear it wasn't me and you can't prove I was there!  I got your letters.  Thank you for being so diligent about reminding me about my ant problem.  I didn't say anything about it as there is painfully little I can do about it.  Thank you for spraying them, that stuff usually works pretty well.  They come into the house in the winter, every year.  Apparently the whole town is built on a giant ant hill.  They leave us alone in the summer, but in the winter, they come in looking for heat.  I do not mind if you wash my sweatshirt.  I do not mind that you're at the house.  I don't care what the neighbours think and I don't think they were giving you those looks because they know I'm gone.I think it's because they are amazed that even when I am thousands of miles away, I still have an endless stream of women coming to my door. Of course I'm just kidding about that.

Thank you for sending the Hallowe'en candy.  That was most thoughtful of you.  Of course tomorrow is Thanksgiving so I am a little late in replying.  So shoot me.

How do you like your new place?  You said you moved onto the island so does that mean that it's mainly a small french community?

It has snowed here for the last few days.  It is colder, I think winter is here for good.  We are going to **** tomorrow for a little R&R and a break from all of this war stuff.  I am really looking forward to it.

Well, I gotta go.  Long line of guys waiting to use the computer. I promise to write more and tell you about ***** when I get back.

Take care of yourself, okay?

Love,
J

The Stag and Doe

What is this Stag and Doe thing?  Your friends have to buy tickets and then purchase alcohol and buy food all in the name of your wedding?  Perhaps it's because this is a tradition that I am just not familiar with.  Having said that, asian wedding customs must sound strange to a lot of non-asians as well (tea ceremonies, getting blessings from elders, etc).

I am not comfortable with the idea of a Stag and Doe/Jack and Jill, whatever name you want to put on it.  I am already inviting my friends to my wedding where I assume they will be bringing a wedding gift of some sort.  It seems crass to me the idea that my friends get together before my wedding to "give" me money for my wedding.  The night almost seems like it is designed as begging to me, just wrapped up in a pretty name, hidden with alcohol and casino games. 

If it were another event, lets say the birth of your child, or your high school graduation party and you called it your Tom and Jerry, or your Snoopy and Woodstock event, would it be kosher to ask your friends to buy tickets to gain entry, and pay for everything once they're inside? 

Seems to me, if your friends like you, they will gift you with something for your wedding.

Do you really need to beg beforehand?!

Dearest k

Dearest k,

today is our anniversary and I didn't even get a chance to talk to you.  I'm not completely pleased about that.  I tried to call, but I didn't get an answer.  I heard you had tried to call, but I missed it..  I really wanted to talk to you tonight, more so than usual.  Today is kinda special to me.  I've been thinking about you all day.  Okay, so maybe that's not anything new.  For some reason I felt more of a need to talk to you than usual.  I'm not sure if I should place more importance on this day than any other, because every day with you is special.  These past ***** have meant so much to me.  You are so special and I am so happy that you have let me be a part of your life.  And it means so much to me that you want to be a part of mine.

The times I've shared with you are some of the best times of my whole life.  I'll never be able to forget you or the time we've shared.  Hopefully we will continue to share a few moments here and there.  I know it's going to be tough, but I think it's worth any amount of hassle. I just hope you feel the same.

Remember how Robin Hood's friend asked him if Marion was worth dying for?  Well, you must be, because *** both almost died tonight for you.  Would you ask me to die for you?  That would be a tough decision to make.  Dying would involve leaving you, which is something I never want to do.  There have been times when I wanted to leave where I was with you, but I always wanted to take you with me.

Despite what you say, I don't think you'd drive me crazy.  I think I could live with you for quite some time.  It would be hard to fight with you if I never stopped holding you.  Which is exactly what I want to do right now.  I just want to hold you close until the rest of the world goes away, and it's you, me, wintergreen Lifesavers and a sunset.  Well, I can always dream, which is exactly what I'm going to do right now. I hope I have a good one.  if it's about you it will be.  I love you more than you'll ever know.

Lovingly,
J

Dearest k

Dearest k,

I'm so glad that I got to see you tonight.  It means a lot to me.  All the time we spend together means so much to me.  I think that because I can't see you whenever I want, when I do see you, it is more special.  I wish I could see you more though.  Do you think it wouldn't be as special if we could see each other whenever we wanted?  I don't know.  It would still be special because of how strongly I feel about you.  But I don't think I'd have an overwhelming urge to do everything at once, like I do now when I see you, because I'd know I'll be seeing you again soon.  Now when I see you, I want to hold you, hug you, kiss you, walk with you, talk with you, etc all at once, because I don't know when I will be able to see you again.  I want to maximize the time spent with you and do everything, and usually end up doing a pretty poor job of all of them.

I get a little flustered and nervous and things don't go the way I had thought they would, and that's when I start doing things wrong.  I'm just trying so hard to make everything perfect.  I wish I could make everything perfect for you because I love you, and I want things to go your way.  God knows you deserve it.  You deserve better than everything that you're currently getting.  I want to give it to you, but I'm afraid that I occasionally fall short.  I just hope that most of time time I'm doing a good enough job to keep your love.  I want to keep your love for a long, long time if I can. All those other girls you pointed out tonight can't compare to you in my eyes.  Not one of those girls can hold a candle to your beauty and I seriously doubt that any of them can offer me the kind of love and affection that you offer.  The way I see it, you are the best.  Why waste time with anybody else?

Seriously, I guess I do have you up on a teeny-weeny pedestal, but the place is justly yours.  I just hope I can keep you.  I'd like to keep you for a long, long time.  Who knows, a few years down the road, maybe we will still be together.  That would be fine with me.  I don't mean to scare you, and I don't want to sound too serious, but I would like to still be with you in a few years.  I love you so much now, and my love for you gets stronger every day.  I can't imagine what it'll be like in a few years.  Maybe I'll be your devoted slave!  Just kidding.  I can only imagine what life will be like in the future, but I know that I want you to be a part of it.  You are a very important part of my life and I hope you'll continue to be a part of it.  Do you really feel that sometimes I don't think you're very important to me?  That's not true, you're very important to me.  I wish I could explain it.  Maybe I'll be able to show you.  I'm trying but I'm not real sure what to do.  I want you to know that you are important to me, and I do need you in my life, and that I love you very much.  These are things that can only be hinted at with words, so I'm hoping I'll be able to get my feelings across to you through my actions. I hope I can show you how much I do, because I really, really do.  I know I do.  I just wish you knew it. 

Love,
J

Dearest J

Darling,

tonight is my last night in Barcelona.  I've had such a wonderful time here.  My little pension was comfortable enough and the best part of course were the showers.  Yes dearest, you are right, you would have hated it. *laugh*

Today as I wanted along Les Rambles, I thought of you often and wished that you were here with me.  That's all I've been wishing this whole trip.  I saw many of Gaudi's building and of course his unfinished masterpiece, Sagrada Familia.  Will it ever be completed in our lifetime?  I hope so.  It really is an incredible sight.  I spent most of the day wandering around.  It's so lovely.  I think maybe I could live here if I spoke Spanish.

The whole city shuts down for siesta in the heat of midday and life just stops.  Families dine together and spend time just being and enjoying.  Why has that concept never been adopted in North America?  I think we should adopt it in our home!  What do you say?  Napping midday??  I know you would go for it with little or no convincing from me.

There is a nice breeze blowing in from the water and walking on the shady side of the street was nice.  I bought some pastries and a small bag of cherries for lunch and enjoyed them while strolling down the streets.  I've been living on meals of bread and water for weeks now and the cherries were an indulgent treat.  I am starting to miss the small things that I took for granted back home, cold water, being able to walk over to the refrigerator to get food that is ever present, a comfortable bed and pillows, and of course water pressure in the shower.

I haven't been doing much in the evenings except writing in my journal, writing my notes and of course organizing my photos.  I think I have some great shots that would be of use in a possible show.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that all of the photos will develop properly and the way that I envisioned them when I snapped them!  I wish I could just sit out at a cafe one night and people watch, but sometimes I am so tired after the day that I had, I just can't muster up the strength to sit any longer.  The heat of Spain is tiring me out more than I am used to.  Perhaps when I swing back in this direction on the way home, I will make myself stay out one evening!  For the most part, I use the nights to get my gear together, get some sleep and prepare for an early morning departure.

Tomorrow I head for Avignon at 5am.  I am sure I can get some great shots so early in the morning.

Dear heart, why am I so far from you?  I wish that you could be physically here with me.  But know that everywhere I go, every scene I capture, every magical place I put my foot down, you are here with me.  I carry you always in my heart and I hear your comments in my head and laugh.  I know you so well, I know what you would say and how you would react.  We are part of each other.  But just the same, next time, you will be in Spain with me.

always with all my heart,
k

Dearest k

I would sacrifice a hell of a lot for you and your love.  Each moment with you makes up for all the time I have to be away from you.  Not that I don't want to spend more time with you.  I want to spend every minute of every day with you.  I know that's a little unreasonable, but nobody can stop me from dreaming.  Not about you.  You'd probably get sick of me after a little while though.  I don't think I could ever get sick of holding you, and if I spent all day with you, there's be a lot of holding going on. You scare girl.  You've got me thinking of our future.  I've never thought of the future with anyone, except for a nonchalant "wonder what it would be like" kinda thing.  I can think of many, many worse things I could do with my life than spend it with you.  I don't know how I can get across to you just how much I love you.  I don't know what I can say or do. I guess you just have to take a lot on faith for now.  Stick with me though, I'll find a way.

all my love,
J