My all time passion...CAKE!

So when we got married, unlike other girls, what was most important to me (other than our guests having a good time and trying to stay within our ridiculously extravagant budget) was the dress cake.  Seriously.  It was all about cake.

For those who know me, they know that I love cake.  I will go to a supermarket and buy a whole birthday cake, carrot cake, red velvet cake, whatever cake and ask them to put happy birthday on the top.  I'll stealthily take it home, and cut one delicious slice, and eat it with a cup of tea.  Yup.  I love cake THAT MUCH. 

Clearly, the wedding cake would be something that I would pick with extreme thought and careful consideration.  It didn't take long for me to know that I wanted it to be from Dufflet in Toronto.  If you have never been to Dufflet, it is a sweet sweet dreamy place filled with all things yummy (both sweet and sometimes savory).  The wedding cake was definitely coming from there.

One thing that I was staunch about since the beginning was that there was to be NO FONDANT.  Yes, I know, fondant makes a wedding cake "look" so pretty and you can have so many pretty designs and so many fancy-schmancy looking cakes with it, but I'm a girl who is all about eating cake.  I don't eat fondant, no matter what flavour you tell me it is.  If you have a fondant cake that you think would change my mind, please let me know.  I will gladly try to let you convince me otherwise about fondant. 

Cake should be a sinful pleasure that you partake of whenever possible (twice a month?? plus a gym membership?).  I wanted my wedding cake to be delicious, so Dufflet and no fondant.  Dufflet has a great selection of cakes covered on the outside with buttercream frosting (or fondant too for those who want it).  Not only do they look amazing, but they taste AMAZING!  We chose a very simple cake with a simple design on the outside of the buttercream frosting.  Three tiers, the first was golden (yellow pound cake with fresh strawberries inside), the second tier was mocha, and the third tier was carrot.  I simply adore carrot cake and Dufflet makes an amazing carrot cake.  Another plus?  It freezes really well, so we should still be able to enjoy it by our first year anniversary.

And to top it all off....tah dah!  Mr and Mrs Potatohead.  What?  They're legally married, I mean, they are Mr and Mrs, aren't they?  They can be on our cake without any repercussion of having only a common law couple or having God strike us down for putting heathens on our cake, or strangers on our cake for that matter.  Besides, they were toys from his childhood and everybody loves potatoes, don't they? 

Anyway, our cake was absolutely DELICIOUS.  Not a piece of fondant in sight, but lots of delicious golden cake with strawberries.  We chose a smaller cake as our dinner came with chocolate mousse for dessert, or a trio of fruit sorbets for the lactose intolerant bride. 

So, whatever people say about how fabulous your wedding cake should be, ask yourself the question, what is more important to you, looks or taste?  I am not saying you have to sacrifice one for the other, as underneath that beautiful fondant you can have an amazing tasting cake, but decorating with fondant increases the price of your wedding cake rather steeply.  Since I hate fondant, the choice for us was easy.  And since my new hubby didn't care what the cake was covered with, as long as he got to eat some, it was a win-win solution for us.

my head is swimming with thoughts

I got married 10 days ago and although most of my house has been cleaned up, little bits of the wedding, wedding planning items, wedding bills, wedding gifts and cards are still lingering from table to shelf to fireplace mantle. 

As the days go on, I am going to attempt to share with you everything that was happening during the whole thing.  I wanted to blog as I went along during the process, but it seems as though when I am in planning mode, writing just takes a back seat.

In the meantime, let me tell you....I am IN LOVE with my new toaster.  I chose it (I really don't think the new hubby cared what the new toaster looked like as long as it toasted his bagels for breakfast) because I really like Breville's Die cast  four slice smart toaster.  Can we say I am in toast heaven?

I gingerly took the new toaster out of the box, careful not to scratch the brushed stainless steel as I peeled away the styrofoam protection.  It was beautiful.  We chose the model that makes four slices side by side versus two slices per side.  We thought it would be easier that way to make a single slice if need be.

I plugged it in and the LED lights glowed a soft whitish blue light.  It turns itself off after 30 seconds, but if you choose to, you slide control from levels one to five and that same soft white light will travel from level one to wherever you set it as your toast browns gently inside its' belly.  Wow.  Oh, but the best part, you put your slice of toast into the toaster and push the toast button, and get this, it gently gets lowered into the toaster as it gets warmed to your preferred toast-y level. 

There are some options that just tickle me with delight, and one of those buttons is the "lift and look" button.  If you're not sure if your toast is where it should be, hit the button and the toaster will gently lift your toast up so you can take a peek. If it is to your desired liking, then just hit the toast/cancel button and the process is done!  There is a button marked "a bit more" allowing for a bit more browning.  There are the usual buttons such as defrost and bagel, which are always nice options on a toaster.

*sigh* what can I say about my new toaster?  I love it.  I had to inaugurate it with the oh-so-delicious Fairmount Montreal bagels (a staple since I lived in Montreal for 7 years and I buy dozens and dozens at a time upon my return). The one thing I miss about my old toaster....the sound it makes when the toast pops up.  Then again, I could get used to a small beep while watching my toast gracefully rise to make it's entrance onto the breakfast scene.  Yup, I can totally get used to that.

dearest J

oh my dearest.

it has been so long since i have had a moment to think of you and for that i apologize.  tonight i sat outside and stared at the stars, seemingly forever.
remember that summer we went out to iowa and drove around endlessly? that night we ate at that small place, drinking beer, laughing at each other, holding hands.  i cannot tell you how much i miss you at this moment.
i recall the last few moments of our time together there, when we drove around madison county. i never read what robert james waller would probably have wanted me to, nevertheless, it didn't make the bridges any less beautiful, or the moments any less romantic.
i don't know if you could feel how nervous i was being alone with you, or how thrilled i was each time you took my hand. how did you do that to me? how did you make me feel like that despite the 13 years that had gone past?
i will never return to madison county again, not because i do not want to see the bridges, for i would love to see them before they all but crumble; but i shall never return because the ghosts that would haunt me there would follow me to my death, as i am already sure that they will.

where are you dearest?  are you safe and warm? are you tired or uplifted? wherever it may be, i hope you are happy and content.

do not forget me yet, as i still hold you close, until we can meet again.

k

author, author!

I went out for dinner with a friend last night.  Just down to the local pub for a drink, some great pub fare, and of course, stories about our lives.
He started laughing at all of the stories I was telling, and I thought, why are you laughing at my life?  He replied, "you know, you really should write a book about this shit".

You know what?  I just might.

what are the secrets in my closet?

I have had people ask me what this blog is all about.  It doesn't seem to make sense.  There are bits of letters, that are obviously out of order.  There are random thoughts about myself and random writings and indulgences about nothing.

This blog is about two things;  one:  I write what comes to me when I am having a thought.  Whether it be venting, observational or something I deeply want to share.  Two:  it's the greatest love story ever written.  The letters are those that I wrote in my mind based on the loves and the lovers I have had in my life.  None of them break any privacy or confidentiality.  They are recollections in my mind of moments, conversations and tender moments that reflect all the great experiences I have had in my life.  Why am I writing them now?  It is definitely self indulgent.  You see, I am getting married.  Do you think my future husband wants me to recount these moments to him?  Probably not.  But as I grow older...I want to remember that I have a young and wild life once.  I want to remember all of the loves, the hurts, the surprises and tender moments that brought me to where I am, and how I learned how to find the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Letters from my heart and memories.

My indulgences.  Don't read them if you don't want to because you don't have to.  But you can share the secrets in my closet.

a cigar and tequila

tonight I sit in my living room
Ray LaMontagne plays in the background
gritty and sexy
the smoke flows upward in long skinny wisps

tonight
Patron is my best friend
He will help me forget

I'm sorry, k

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I said last night. I do not want to hurt you, although that seems all I am capable of lately. My frustration got the better of me, and for that I apologize. I wish things between us were easier, but I don't know what to do about it.

I know that I have not been fair to you, I'm sorry. I'm very confused with my life right now, and that carries over into my relationship with you. For the first time in my life I have no idea where I am going. That scares me. My whole life I have always known what was coming next. I have always had structure, either imposed upon me (school, ****), or created by me (my last job, where I set my own schedule, and had everything planned). Since I started production at M*****, I feel like I am playing catch up every minute of everyday. I never know when, or from where the next account is coming from, and for the first 2 years I am only as good as my next account. I feel like Westley when he was serving under the Dread Pirate Roberts. "Good work today Westley, though I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It consumes me. I have never failed at anything my whole life, and now, everyday I am inches from losing my job. I hate this feeling. At once I am tempted to forget the whole thing and move on, and also I refuse to leave with my tail between my legs, beaten by this business. It has become my whole life, and I hate that. I know this is not a healthy way to live, but my stubborn pride won't let me walk out while I am a failure.

My pride has always been my downfall. I know there are easier ways than the paths I have sometimes chosen, but I continue to steadfastly cling to some antique notion of pride and personal honor. I know you don't understand this. I don't expect you to. I just hope you can accept it as one of my many character flaws. In many ways it is my pride that gets in the way of my relationship with you. Right now I don't see myself as a worthy suitor for anyone, least of all you. I told you I loved you, because I do. I just can't let myself love you right now. I have a few more demons to chase, and many things to straighten out in my own life before I can invite someone else in. Just as you would clean up your house before inviting someone in, I must clean up my life before I invite anyone in. I have said many conflicting things because I am torn between what I feel, and what I can allow. That is not fair to you, I'm sorry. You say you have seen me relax at times, and then tense up and hide behind my walls at others. I hide because I do not want you to see what I have become.

It tears me up inside when you pressure me to answer questions about us. I want to tell you that you are wonderful, but I worry about what it will mean to you. You place so much importance on everything we say and do, I sometimes feel as though I am in a minefield, with no map, not knowing when I will set you off. So the more you press, the more I run and hide. That is why I wish we could just spend time together with no expectations, and no pressure. Just enjoying the time together. We had that for a few moments in St. ***, I wish we could get it back. I don't mean to say that what we say and do doesn't mean anything, just that it doesn't have to mean everything. I know I haven't been totally honest with you about my feelings, I'm sorry. But you must understand that I don't always understand my own conflicting emotions, how can I articulate them to you. I wish I could be as clear about everything that I think and feel as you seem to be, but the fact of the matter is I am not able. You have to accept that I am confused. I don't expect you to wait until I sort my life out. If you must move on and be with someone else, so be it. I would rather you be happy with someone else, than miserable with me. Don't read into that statement more than is there. It does not mean that I don't care about you, and want to work something out with you. It simply means that I want you to be happy, in whatever form that takes. Would it bother me if you were with someone else, yes of course. But it would bother me more if you were unhappy. You probably don't believe me as I say this, because you believe that I have some ulterior motive, and always want to ruin your relationships, forcing to end up a spinster pining away for me. I have never toyed with you, and have never done anything according to a plan. That fact that you would say that is quite possibly the worst thing you have ever said to me, and wounds me deeply.

I have rambled on quite enough. That facts as they stand now are:

1) I do care about you very deeply.
2) I have to sort out my own life before I can commit to anything.
3) I want you to be happy, and do not expect you to put your life on hold while I sort out mine.
4) You don't trust me, and probably never will again.

I miss being friends with you. You are my oldest surviving friend and you know me better than almost anyone on earth. I just wish we could check our baggage at the door, and enjoy getting to know each other as we are now. I miss you.

the soundtrack of my life

My mind floods with memories whenever a certain song plays through the air.  I can just hear the notes and it transforms me and takes me to another time and place. Small tedious moments, grandious happy moments, and of course the heart breaking moments.

Everclear:  screaming at the top of my lungs while driving across the Mojave desert at 3am while driving from Phoenix to LA.  One of the most LIBERATING moments of my life.

Gin Blossoms:  driving across NC and across the Alligator Bridge.  slept through most of the ride, but still remember the pecan pinwheels we ate on the beach at Ocracoke.

Matchbox 20:  driving back and forth from Watertown to Sacketts Harbor for years.  Memories of Fred Robster, Appleby's and love.

The Smiths:  a bus trip to Quebec City with my fellow classmates in the 8th grade.  what a hoot!  to be young again.

Spirit of the West:  ALL OVER EUROPE!

Norah Jones:  a concert in Toronto before she was known and a Grammy winner.  $10 and up close and personal.  A lover's quarrel in the midst of the concert ruined a bit of the flavour, however, I still love Norah... but ditched the lover.

Pachabel:  a dark room, lovers entwined, declaring their love.  First and enduring love.

Dixie Chicks:  driving like lunatics in the Jeep all over Montreal.  Snow, cold, frost, slipping and sliding.  An utterly fantastic night.

Sublime:  Wow.  Porch number 8, happy hour every night at 5:30pm after the day's work was done.  Discussing science, dissecting research, laughing, camaraderie, unmeasurable friendships and kinships brought together by a small place in the mountains of AZ.

Maxwell:  an old friend.  a lovely apartment in Montreal.  Listening to music.  Looking at him for the first time and realizing that friendship isn't the only thing on my mind...

Hodo:  acoustic guitar, a deep soothing voice, songs that touch the heart.  a moment where two people realize they share the same passion for music and subsequently become forever joined. Welcome to Tucson.

Diana Krall:  driving around on base the day a lover is leaving for war.  how do you say all of the things that are flooding your mind? how do you say good by to somebody who may not come back?  how do you pour your heart out? you don't.  you eat grilled cheese sandwiches on post, drive around holding hands, kiss passionately and let go. Good old US of A.

Bright eyes:  realizing that this will be the first song you dance to when  you are somebody's wife... can't wait to see how that dance goes...

Tracy Chapman:  so many tied up to this artist.  Georgia.  A promise to return, if you promise to wait.  3am in Montreal, waiting, hoping, feeling. 

Smashmouth:  Georgia... *laugh*

Ben Harper:  driving around the mountains of northern Colorado, across the state to the lower part, and home of the Great Gorge.  how I wished you were with me.  oh how I wished

Chantal Kreviazuk:  candles lit after a 2am phone call declaring you are coming to visit.  6am you arrive in my arms and all is right in the world again.

Culture Club:  Oh Sabina!  Driving across AZ and NM....with one tape.  Truck stops, unusual bony fish skeleton heads in Texas...flat tires near the Road Kill Cafe, NM.  could it have been more of a blast??

Lush:  dancing around my Montreal appartment knowing that I finally extricated myself from the most complicated situation ever and loving it....even if it was short lived

The Strokes:  Brampton, Grimsby, Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Indianna.  Quite the trip to reach Graceland with one of my dearest hearts.  We should do it more often. 

Sugarland:  Mississauga. knowing that I was in trouble.  knowing I had found a love that comes only once in a lifetime, but I wasn't the only girl who had found that once in a lifetime love.  I had to do what was right for myself.  regrets?  no.  just experiences that have left a mark on my heart, but I think it builds character, don't you?

George Strait:  North Carolina. anything with George ties me to you.  So run baby, just run....

I could go on.  So many moments, so many people.  It is the soundtrack of my life.  Music.  May I never be without it.

k, please just hear me

k,

I need you to hear me. You won't pick up the telephone, you won't email me back.  I am so sorry.  I cannot believe I have done this to you.

I want you to know, for whatever it is worth (and I know, it is very little), that when you came into my life, I did not know what to do. You literally changed my world in ways I could not understand or cope with. You are that woman, that kindred spirit, who was so brilliant in her laughter and spirit that I was overwhelmed. Yes I was supposed to be married. But when we were together, I felt like I was given a key to an emotional paradise, and looking back I was experiencing such immense vulnerability that caused me to react badly. The thing is, and please you must accept this one thing as true, I never, ever thought, deep down, that I had a chance with someone like you. Never. Eventually I knew you'd find someone as handsome and intelligent as you are beautiful and intuitive. You were a 10 to my 5, and this is a deep-rooted self-esteem that has always kicked in. And with you, it kicked in hard.

I didn't think you would accept me. I wasn't good looking enough, or as financially well-off as the other men you had dated. You clearly were a woman of very good taste, and I knew I'd never be able to give you what you deserved. Your wonderful sense of understated style, your love of things wonderfully delightful and unique. I thought this many times, how can I give her anything close to what she wants? I remember you mentioned the Amalfi coast, and I thought, that is so great, but also so expensive and beyond my means. I dont know, you have to remember I grew up with almost no friends. I dont value myself very highly, and I devalued myself next to you for a number of reasons, including emotionally and financially. Yes, I lied. I felt and knew that if you got to know the real me, the true person, that you would see what I saw in myself -- and then you would leave. In my immaturity, I started to lie about the when and the where, in the hopes you would believe I was better than I was. And all the while I was desperately trying to seek validation in your company. I did, and do love you, and I know that I am not worthy of your love, or even friendship. I admit I have done a terrible thing, and I have destroyed a potentially life-changing and wonderful friendship, with whom I had much to share.

I just want you to know,that is where it all came from. I didn't feel good enough to be around you, as a person. No one had ever wanted to be around me the way you did, and I honestly thought you had misjudged me and would soon find out I was not as funny or smart as you thought I was. I feared being exposed for who I really was. I tried to cover this up so much. I was lost, confused, fearful. My world had turned upside down. For the record, I did go to LA, and for the record I went to counselling, and I am still going. I know this to be true because I'm spending $150 per weekly session. I mean, we're not even living together anymore. Listen, I dont have anything to gain from telling you this. I know you're done, you're gone. And the rest of my world is also falling by the wayside. All I can hope and pray for is that you can at least understand a little about why I did what I did, and hope that you don't think I am a complete monster or utterly inhumane. I have lost most of what had made up my life over the past six months.

I cannot begin to address everything I have done, and maybe you don't want me to. I was trying to compensate for MYSELF. I don't give myself credit, nor do I give others credit to see me for me. I lied, and they spiraled out of control. I was out of control in so many ways. It doesn't excuse it. The truth is, I know you gave everything you had. I loved you for that. I really did. I am a selfish person, no doubt,and that is something I know I need to change. When I need to cope, I turn inward. It's what I know.

You have every right to indict me, to hate me. I accept that. I can only say that I am truly sorry, and that more than anything else, it was my emotional confusion and lack of self esteem that is at the root cause.

I want to say more. I want to make it right, if that is even possible. I don't even know what that means. I guess I'm writing this because I really do care about you, and because, I hope one day you can accept that you did not get taken for a ride by an evil jerk, but instead by one that was selfish and confused but did not have the explicit intent to do harm. I didn't meet you and think, let's screw with her and leech her life energy. I ... I just fucked up terribly. And it spiraled out of control.

You are right, I gave very little of myself. The truth is, I have trouble giving. I protect myself to such a ridiculous extent. And here you were before me, this wonderful woman, and I didn't know how to tear down the personal walls I had erected for so many years. I became defensive and deflected everything, at every opportunity. It has always been a gut instinct to do this when I feel at risk. Except THIS time, I wasn't vulnerable to something harmful; for the first time, I felt vulnerability in another sense, emotionally, but I wasn't intuitive to realize the difference. And I turned into the self-defense robot.

You are a beautiful person. You have that sense of spirit, that joie de vivre, that I have always sought in a woman, and in all my friends. You have passion, you laugh, you think, you have fun, you discover. I KNOW you aren't so selfish or shallow. You crave the little things, the beautiful details of everyday. I told you once, I fell in love with you during that cartoon commercial, where the centipede goes down an elevator and it makes that weird face. It lasted 1 second, but you saw it, rewound the PVR, and laughed at it again. That blew me away. Ever since that moment I knew you were a person that cared deeply about the little things, the intangibles, the silly, the weird, and the happy and sad. I know you're not superficial. I know you're extremely intelligent. I saw it every time you noticed something out of the corner of your eye. I noticed it every time you mentioned something in detail, far after it had occurred or passed our field of vision. I could go on. I really could. For hours. But I have to admit, although I could list so many things, the real reason I fell for you was because I just ... felt it. It was just there. It awakened something in me. Flipped a switch I didn't think existed.

I can only repeat what I said that day we spoke: I know I have failed you deeply and miserably. I can only hope that one day, you can find it in yourself to give me a chance to earn your trust, respect and company. I do not pretend to think this is a distinct possibility. Even now I want to call you. But I respect that we are operating on your terms. I promised not to bother you unless you wanted to talk. I deleted your phone numbers so you don't have to worry about random calls.

I know you have plenty of people in your life. And I know they haven't lied to you. A lot. What I'm doing, I guess, is trying desperately to ask for your forgiveness. And this desperation, this urgency, is based on the emotions I felt for you, the belief that something special had been unlocked for the first time in my ** years on this earth. I felt as if we had unlocked something together. And despite my many misgivings, I felt like our emotions were true and real, even if I tried not to be. I, personally, cannot deny what I believed to be the rarest of connections. But I understand that I may have destroyed it, irrevocably. I am so sorry. Do you think you could ever forgive such a person? If the answer is no, I will never bother you again. I swear it.


M

Mendelssohn's March

I am trying to figure out our wedding music.  I knew that this was going to be difficult (and I'm sure that writing my vows will just about kill me).

My fiance (I am currently choking on that word) and I, are not your typical wedding people.  But like typical wedding people, we want to make our day a very special and personalized one.  Hence, no Mendelssohn's March for this girl.

I've been searching through all of my CDs, MP3s and even my LPs, for those of us who actually know what they are and still own some. I don't listen to mainstream music, and neither does my MTB (mate to be? man to be?).  That makes things even more difficult.  He's a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll.  Just kidding.  And if you are old enough to remember that line....well, if that wasn't mentioned on an episode of "Friends" and "googled" afterward, I don't think I'd know it either. 

We have our first dance song chosen.  I listened to music for hours and hours until I thought one more note would push me over the edge. I compiled a list of 5 songs that I thought best reflected our two personalities, passed them on to my HTB (husband to be?) and ta-dah!  We had our first dance song. 

Cocktail music was easy;  a little Wynton, Miles, Coltrane, Mingus and of course who can leave out Sarah Vaughan?

But what about walking down the aisle music?  I know what we're walking out to once we're married.  It came to us in the car, just a flash after having our dinner and wine tasting.  We broke out into peals laughter when we first came up with it, but there was no disputing it.  That was going to be the FIRST song we wanted to hear as we are announced as husband and wife.

*sigh*  It may be a long night of music.  I best pull out the bottle of wine, light some candles, and pour myself a celebratory shot of Patron for when it comes to me.  I know it will....I hope it will...

Dearest k

Dearest k,

that still doesn't sound right, even though you are very dear to me.  I had a bit of time on my hands and wanted to stop and share my thoughts with you.  During these quiet moments that come too few and far in between, I talk to you in my head.  No, I'm not crazy.  I just miss talking to you.

How are you doing?  I hate seeing you like this.  I want so much for you to be happy.  Remember that time we drove down to the edge of the lake?  That was a great afternoon.  Rock hunting was fun, but I say we go around the bend next time.  Not like I'm not pretty close to being around the bend anyway.  I must agree with you, it was ever so choice.  The setting was great, we had the rocks (I like rocks), the water (I like water, especially those sparkly reflections), the sun (I like the sun) and great company (I loved the company).  Even though we didn't really go somewhere, just down the street, I really enjoyed being with you.

Please don't cry.  I wish I could be there so offer you some support.  But you know, any time you need an ear, a shoulder, or any other body part for that matter, I am here for you, I am in your heart.  If there is anything you need, don't hesitate to ask, just say the word and it's done.  I'm very serious about that.  I would move heaven and earth to get you what you need.  Please promise me one thing; please don't worry about me.  There is nothing to worry about.  I am in no danger whatsoever. Really.  I am untouchable.  (I know you're smiling at that line).  I just wish I could find a way to help you.  I know you said that if it made things easier for me, I could just walk away from this relationship and concentrate on what has to be done here.  Well, I won't exercise that option.  I've found what I want and if this is the price I must pay, so be it.  Truth is, I'm prepared to pay a much higher price for you.  If you were or are curious as to how I feel, there it is, you have it in writing now.  I have grown to love you, and am willing to do what is necessary to stay with you, as long as you will have me.  I don't know what else to say on this subject, besides that I will be there anytime, for as long as you want me.  I realize that things are going to be a wee bit difficult from now on (Southerners are masters of the understatement), but I'll take whatever I can get, because you're special.  You've even said that I risked my life for you already (remember that vicious puppy?), you can't easily top that!  I'm just sorry that we have to be apart like this.  I feel like it is my fault, I feel like you are being made to suffer because of the choices I've made.  I'm so sorry for that.  I don't ever want you to be hurt and I wish I could stop the pain.  I want for us to be able to get away from all of this to that cabin in the woods you dream about, with the dog, and even, God help me, the Volvo you've always been wanting.  What about a truck?  Could we get a truck instead??

I'm glad that we finally got a second to talk to each other, even if it was just for a second.  I look forward to talking to you.  Just hearing your voice makes me happy.  I wish it were under better circumstances though.

My parents are worried about you though.  They like you quite a bit.

Well, it's getting late and I should go.  But first there's one thing you should know.  Somewhere out there, there's a country boy who talks kinda funny, has terrible bow-legs, and small, ruined hands, who loves you.  I hope you have a good night.

lovingly,
J

Dearest J

My dearest,

your mother sent me a card and I received it in the mail today.  She thanked me for forwarding on the photos that I had of us together during these last few months, and even some of our vacation pictures from years back.  She had not seen them before and was delighted when she saw the photo I took of you, when we were at your place in New York.  Remember the one when you were dancing around the living room with those ridiculous mittens on your feet?  God, we laughed so hard that night, tears were streaming down our faces and then the inevitable popcorn fight ensued.  It took me forever to clean up all the bits and pieces that night. I think I still found some kernels months after the war was over.

I know how you feel about writing to your family during this time, but dearest, your mother is so worried.  She is just concerned about you.  Please just send her a quick letter when you can?  Or write a letter to me that I can share with them.  I'm sure she would be pleased just to hear of the mundane details of every day life.

How are you my darling?  Did you receive my package yet?  Sometimes they get there sooner than others.  I hope you like the things that I put into the box.  Each one was deliberately chosen and placed.  Please don't be homesick by it.  It is meant to liven up your spirits.  Oh yes, I did include a magazine or two.  Feel free to share them with the other guys.  I doubt that there is a shortage of reading material but I thought those might be in need...if you catch my drift *wink*.

I miss you today as much as I did yesterday and as much as I did the day before.  That won't change.  I am however keeping the smile on my face knowing that Christmas is lurking around the corner, and you will at least have a week and a half here with me!  I plan on cooking all of your favourites you know.  And yes, since we could not celebrate your birthday together this year, for dessert we will be having pumpkin pie and pineapple upside down cake.  It's a birthday tradition.  How can I not bake one just for you, my love?  Oh my god, remember that time we left the pumpkin pie on the kitchen counter and K**** somehow managed to eat it ... but just in the inside????  The crust was left perfectly in tact!!!  How could a golden retriever manage to leave the light flaky crust completely perfect but eat every single last dollop of pumpkin filling?  Poor darling had the biggest tummy ache the next day but I'm sure she thought it was worth every last bit.

Stay safe my dear heart.  I have so much I want to do over the holidays, but none of it will happen.  We will have a small family dinner, and then I want you all to myself.  Do you think we could do that?

You have my heart.  Bring it with you when you come home.

always,
k

Dear k

Hello again,

sorry it has been awhile.  Things get kind of busy here from time to time.  We also lost our internet access for awhile.  It seems somebody cut some cables somewhere with a vehicle.  I swear it wasn't me and you can't prove I was there!  I got your letters.  Thank you for being so diligent about reminding me about my ant problem.  I didn't say anything about it as there is painfully little I can do about it.  Thank you for spraying them, that stuff usually works pretty well.  They come into the house in the winter, every year.  Apparently the whole town is built on a giant ant hill.  They leave us alone in the summer, but in the winter, they come in looking for heat.  I do not mind if you wash my sweatshirt.  I do not mind that you're at the house.  I don't care what the neighbours think and I don't think they were giving you those looks because they know I'm gone.I think it's because they are amazed that even when I am thousands of miles away, I still have an endless stream of women coming to my door. Of course I'm just kidding about that.

Thank you for sending the Hallowe'en candy.  That was most thoughtful of you.  Of course tomorrow is Thanksgiving so I am a little late in replying.  So shoot me.

How do you like your new place?  You said you moved onto the island so does that mean that it's mainly a small french community?

It has snowed here for the last few days.  It is colder, I think winter is here for good.  We are going to **** tomorrow for a little R&R and a break from all of this war stuff.  I am really looking forward to it.

Well, I gotta go.  Long line of guys waiting to use the computer. I promise to write more and tell you about ***** when I get back.

Take care of yourself, okay?

Love,
J

The Stag and Doe

What is this Stag and Doe thing?  Your friends have to buy tickets and then purchase alcohol and buy food all in the name of your wedding?  Perhaps it's because this is a tradition that I am just not familiar with.  Having said that, asian wedding customs must sound strange to a lot of non-asians as well (tea ceremonies, getting blessings from elders, etc).

I am not comfortable with the idea of a Stag and Doe/Jack and Jill, whatever name you want to put on it.  I am already inviting my friends to my wedding where I assume they will be bringing a wedding gift of some sort.  It seems crass to me the idea that my friends get together before my wedding to "give" me money for my wedding.  The night almost seems like it is designed as begging to me, just wrapped up in a pretty name, hidden with alcohol and casino games. 

If it were another event, lets say the birth of your child, or your high school graduation party and you called it your Tom and Jerry, or your Snoopy and Woodstock event, would it be kosher to ask your friends to buy tickets to gain entry, and pay for everything once they're inside? 

Seems to me, if your friends like you, they will gift you with something for your wedding.

Do you really need to beg beforehand?!

Dearest k

Dearest k,

today is our anniversary and I didn't even get a chance to talk to you.  I'm not completely pleased about that.  I tried to call, but I didn't get an answer.  I heard you had tried to call, but I missed it..  I really wanted to talk to you tonight, more so than usual.  Today is kinda special to me.  I've been thinking about you all day.  Okay, so maybe that's not anything new.  For some reason I felt more of a need to talk to you than usual.  I'm not sure if I should place more importance on this day than any other, because every day with you is special.  These past ***** have meant so much to me.  You are so special and I am so happy that you have let me be a part of your life.  And it means so much to me that you want to be a part of mine.

The times I've shared with you are some of the best times of my whole life.  I'll never be able to forget you or the time we've shared.  Hopefully we will continue to share a few moments here and there.  I know it's going to be tough, but I think it's worth any amount of hassle. I just hope you feel the same.

Remember how Robin Hood's friend asked him if Marion was worth dying for?  Well, you must be, because *** both almost died tonight for you.  Would you ask me to die for you?  That would be a tough decision to make.  Dying would involve leaving you, which is something I never want to do.  There have been times when I wanted to leave where I was with you, but I always wanted to take you with me.

Despite what you say, I don't think you'd drive me crazy.  I think I could live with you for quite some time.  It would be hard to fight with you if I never stopped holding you.  Which is exactly what I want to do right now.  I just want to hold you close until the rest of the world goes away, and it's you, me, wintergreen Lifesavers and a sunset.  Well, I can always dream, which is exactly what I'm going to do right now. I hope I have a good one.  if it's about you it will be.  I love you more than you'll ever know.

Lovingly,
J

Dearest k

Dearest k,

I'm so glad that I got to see you tonight.  It means a lot to me.  All the time we spend together means so much to me.  I think that because I can't see you whenever I want, when I do see you, it is more special.  I wish I could see you more though.  Do you think it wouldn't be as special if we could see each other whenever we wanted?  I don't know.  It would still be special because of how strongly I feel about you.  But I don't think I'd have an overwhelming urge to do everything at once, like I do now when I see you, because I'd know I'll be seeing you again soon.  Now when I see you, I want to hold you, hug you, kiss you, walk with you, talk with you, etc all at once, because I don't know when I will be able to see you again.  I want to maximize the time spent with you and do everything, and usually end up doing a pretty poor job of all of them.

I get a little flustered and nervous and things don't go the way I had thought they would, and that's when I start doing things wrong.  I'm just trying so hard to make everything perfect.  I wish I could make everything perfect for you because I love you, and I want things to go your way.  God knows you deserve it.  You deserve better than everything that you're currently getting.  I want to give it to you, but I'm afraid that I occasionally fall short.  I just hope that most of time time I'm doing a good enough job to keep your love.  I want to keep your love for a long, long time if I can. All those other girls you pointed out tonight can't compare to you in my eyes.  Not one of those girls can hold a candle to your beauty and I seriously doubt that any of them can offer me the kind of love and affection that you offer.  The way I see it, you are the best.  Why waste time with anybody else?

Seriously, I guess I do have you up on a teeny-weeny pedestal, but the place is justly yours.  I just hope I can keep you.  I'd like to keep you for a long, long time.  Who knows, a few years down the road, maybe we will still be together.  That would be fine with me.  I don't mean to scare you, and I don't want to sound too serious, but I would like to still be with you in a few years.  I love you so much now, and my love for you gets stronger every day.  I can't imagine what it'll be like in a few years.  Maybe I'll be your devoted slave!  Just kidding.  I can only imagine what life will be like in the future, but I know that I want you to be a part of it.  You are a very important part of my life and I hope you'll continue to be a part of it.  Do you really feel that sometimes I don't think you're very important to me?  That's not true, you're very important to me.  I wish I could explain it.  Maybe I'll be able to show you.  I'm trying but I'm not real sure what to do.  I want you to know that you are important to me, and I do need you in my life, and that I love you very much.  These are things that can only be hinted at with words, so I'm hoping I'll be able to get my feelings across to you through my actions. I hope I can show you how much I do, because I really, really do.  I know I do.  I just wish you knew it. 

Love,
J

Dearest J

Darling,

tonight is my last night in Barcelona.  I've had such a wonderful time here.  My little pension was comfortable enough and the best part of course were the showers.  Yes dearest, you are right, you would have hated it. *laugh*

Today as I wanted along Les Rambles, I thought of you often and wished that you were here with me.  That's all I've been wishing this whole trip.  I saw many of Gaudi's building and of course his unfinished masterpiece, Sagrada Familia.  Will it ever be completed in our lifetime?  I hope so.  It really is an incredible sight.  I spent most of the day wandering around.  It's so lovely.  I think maybe I could live here if I spoke Spanish.

The whole city shuts down for siesta in the heat of midday and life just stops.  Families dine together and spend time just being and enjoying.  Why has that concept never been adopted in North America?  I think we should adopt it in our home!  What do you say?  Napping midday??  I know you would go for it with little or no convincing from me.

There is a nice breeze blowing in from the water and walking on the shady side of the street was nice.  I bought some pastries and a small bag of cherries for lunch and enjoyed them while strolling down the streets.  I've been living on meals of bread and water for weeks now and the cherries were an indulgent treat.  I am starting to miss the small things that I took for granted back home, cold water, being able to walk over to the refrigerator to get food that is ever present, a comfortable bed and pillows, and of course water pressure in the shower.

I haven't been doing much in the evenings except writing in my journal, writing my notes and of course organizing my photos.  I think I have some great shots that would be of use in a possible show.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that all of the photos will develop properly and the way that I envisioned them when I snapped them!  I wish I could just sit out at a cafe one night and people watch, but sometimes I am so tired after the day that I had, I just can't muster up the strength to sit any longer.  The heat of Spain is tiring me out more than I am used to.  Perhaps when I swing back in this direction on the way home, I will make myself stay out one evening!  For the most part, I use the nights to get my gear together, get some sleep and prepare for an early morning departure.

Tomorrow I head for Avignon at 5am.  I am sure I can get some great shots so early in the morning.

Dear heart, why am I so far from you?  I wish that you could be physically here with me.  But know that everywhere I go, every scene I capture, every magical place I put my foot down, you are here with me.  I carry you always in my heart and I hear your comments in my head and laugh.  I know you so well, I know what you would say and how you would react.  We are part of each other.  But just the same, next time, you will be in Spain with me.

always with all my heart,
k

Dearest k

I would sacrifice a hell of a lot for you and your love.  Each moment with you makes up for all the time I have to be away from you.  Not that I don't want to spend more time with you.  I want to spend every minute of every day with you.  I know that's a little unreasonable, but nobody can stop me from dreaming.  Not about you.  You'd probably get sick of me after a little while though.  I don't think I could ever get sick of holding you, and if I spent all day with you, there's be a lot of holding going on. You scare girl.  You've got me thinking of our future.  I've never thought of the future with anyone, except for a nonchalant "wonder what it would be like" kinda thing.  I can think of many, many worse things I could do with my life than spend it with you.  I don't know how I can get across to you just how much I love you.  I don't know what I can say or do. I guess you just have to take a lot on faith for now.  Stick with me though, I'll find a way.

all my love,
J

In the morning, J

I had a dream about you last night.  It was vivid.  It was real.

You and I were outside in our yard, planting our garden.  You were planting lettuce seeds, and I was laughing at you while holding a glass of tea (unsweetened, of course) out to you.  It started to rain.  We danced.  You held me.  We danced in the rain, while eating gummy bears and drinking tea.

I awoke with a sense, a feeling as if you were with me.  But of course you weren't. 

God, but it felt so fucking real.  It was so real.  I FELT your arms around me.  I FELT your tight embrace.  I HEARD your laughter and I FELT the rain on our faces.  

Why do you keep haunting me, when all I am trying to do is move beyond you?

k

Dear K

Dear K,


Having slept on my last email, I feel like I didn't cover everything I should have; it was written meaningfully, but also in haste. I meant everything I said, but I wrote it indifferently when I should have written from my heart. We have both known that in each other, we perceive ourselves. I feel that in many ways, we have lived parallel but separate lives – all the way down to our quirky mannerisms and completely ridiculous sense of humour. I still laugh to myself about the morning we woke up and held a full 10-minute conversation with terrible British accents, all without prompt or reason. It goes deeper than all of this, I know, to the way we suppress and internalize, to the way we emotionally compensate, and outwardly show anger and insecurity. We are different, for sure, but our striking similarities have also caused me minor disturbation. For example, I'm sure you had a faint inner chuckle at the word disturbation, possibly followed by a connection to the word masturbation, which consequently yielded another, slightly more jovial, inner chuckle. Anyway, in trying to figure out what is going through your mind, I put myself in your place: anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment, and above all else an intense desire for self-preservation and an inward commitment to the construction of a very high and sturdy emotional wall. If I were you, I would stop talking to me and know that the silence would hurt. Anyway, I can only guess. But here's what I know: I've made mistakes, as we all have, but in the end, as I think about all of the things we have said to, and felt about, each other, I can only tell you that I will miss you, dearly. I fucking miss you right now. I thought about you every day in Paris. Every single day. After I returned, I immediately went to New York alone, to clear my head. Every day in Manhattan, I took what memories I had of you with me. You were with me when I strolled through the Louis Vuitton flagships on the Champs-Élysées and on 5^th Avenue. And I have always remembered that line we have uttered (moo?) several times: I don't know how you figure into my life, but I know that you have to be part of it, somehow. Now, obviously you have had a change of heart, and you're doing what you think is best. I respect that, even if I don't agree. I just know that we have both lived with the regret of past mistakes and destroyed friendships – people with whom we shared many of our best and worst times, in relationships that have ultimately slipped through our fingers, or have been crushed between them, for one reason or another. We both have very few inner-circle friends because of this. The question I have always asked is, are things better because of it? Is my life any richer? I honestly don't know – but my heart has always told me, probably not. Our lives are too short, you know? Anyway, that's all. I could go on for hours, but it would just be ramble. I have thought about you in some way, shape or form, every day since I left for Paris (you were snarky on the phone just before I took off, remember?). And deep down, I know – I KNOW – that you have also thought about me, that you are still thinking about me. Please do not mistake this for ego. I know this because I can feel it. Does that sound dumb? Maybe I'm way off-base. But wherever I seem to be, I can feel our thoughts colliding in the psychic airspace and geography that separates us. See? Disturbation. It all comes together in the circle of life. And now, I will say goodbye, as this is my best guess at what you are trying to achieve. 


Love always,
J

Happy birthday, k

Happy birthday!

This is a very special day for more than one reason.  First, it is your birthday, the day that you started being you.  In my book, that's pretty important as you are pretty important to me.  Second, it was one month ago today that we shared our first kiss.  This feels like my birthday too, because on that day you gave me a new life.  It is quite amazing!  You are able to bring me more happiness in each second than anyone else could in a lifetime.  This last month has brought good and bad, but the good outweighs the bad by so much that I wouldn't trade it for anything;  not for all the trucks in K.C, or all the boots in Texas, all the soccer balls in Pakistan, or all the waves in Oahu.  Nothing, except maybe all the money in the world.  Then I would buy the island I keep talking about, and set up my own little country. I would then purchase a certain diamond and saphire necklace.  The last thing I would do would be to buy eternity and spend it all with you.  As long as you will occasionally hold me in your arms, because there is nowhere that I would rather be than in your arms.  There are many other things that I want to share with you, but there is not enough ink in this pen to write all the things I feel about and towards you.

Happy birthday, k.  I love you.

Dearest J

Dearest,

getting off the plane in Raleigh was so nerve racking.  I didn't really know what to think or what I was doing.  But there you were.  Smiling.  And when I was in your arms, I felt as though I were shaking like a leaf and I thought that you could feel every ounce of nervousness I was holding inside of me.  I wanted to reach out and hold your hand as we walked to get my bags, and so I did.  You didn't resist.  And when you kissed me in the middle of the great hall, I didn't know what to think.  And when you kissed me in your car, I still didn't know what to think.  And when you stopped me cold on the street, held my face in your hands while studying every last inch of it before slowly dropping your lips to mine to kiss me, I stopped thinking. Do you know that every time you touch me, every time you kiss me, every time you hold my hand, I give a piece of myself to you?  I do.  The weekend was a great weekend in my opinion.  I don't know what you thought of it exactly, but I enjoyed it.

I laugh out loud right now at the thought of my favourite memories from this past weekend.  Do you want to know what they were?  I loved every moment that our feet touched.  Silly isn't it? I love the small gestures, the small movements that you do when you touch me.  When you gently lift my chin to kiss you, or sweep a stray hair away from my cheek, or caress the back of my hand with your thumb when you're holding my hand.  When you always make sure to open the car door for me, and kiss me before you close it again. Those are the things that make my heart skip a beat.  It isn't the big sweeping hugs or throwing me up in the air that are important to me.  It's when you let me put my cold feet against your legs, or hold my hand while we're in bed, or let me lay my cold body next to yours so I can warm up.  Those are the things that make me feel loved.

I love you.  I have always loved you. I have never stopped loving you.  Ever since you have come into my life, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.  The first time I laid eyes on you that cold January evening after all of those years, I knew that my life would never be the same.  That week was one of the most incredible weeks of my life.  Being with you again released all of those feelings that I had been withholding from myself, not allowing myself to feel.  I tried desperately to deny that I needed to feel those things, that I didn't need them to feel whole.  When you told me that if you had stayed longer, you would have fallen in love with me again, when you you told me that you have never forgotten about me, when you told me that nobody has measured up to me since our relationship, I cried.  I couldn't believe it. Really?  Could it have been possible?

Our last evening together in Raleigh, I let you have a part of me that I vowed to myself I would never give anyone.  I gave it to you because I knew it was what you wanted. I cried that morning in bed.  I cried because I knew I would give you anything you asked of me.  That scares me.  I want to be independent and self sufficient.  I don't want to depend on others.  But I lean on you for things that I shouldn't.  I need to pull away before this shatters me like it once did.  I need to pull away and put it all behind me.  It is getting harder and harder to detach myself from you.

Dearest, we skirt the issue.  We never talk about what is going on between us.  We share moments where I would stake my life on the way you love me, but you turn as cold as you once were as passionate.  Is it because you are as afraid as I am that one day you will be called and you may never come back?  I am so desperately afraid of that, but I am not afraid to love you, if you would let me.

So tell me.  What do you want?  Am I to think of a future, or am I to think that each moment is just a star in the sky, alone, shining, but not connected to anything else?  A brilliant point in time.  Raleigh was lovely as I knew it would be.  It had been too long, and we had been apart for longer than I wanted.

I am torn between running without turning back and being tortured by the anticipation of feeling you in my arms again.

k

Dearest k

Dear k,

I'm sorry.  These last few days have been hard on you, I know.  I'm sorry.  You've got enough to deal with, without me adding to it.  It's just that sometimes I get to thinking about me and the thoughts aren't always good.  I sometimes get to thinking that I'm not good enough.  I'm real conservative and reserved and most people don't really like that.  Most people seem to think that if you're not talking constantly, there's something wrong.  I, however, spend lots of time not saying anything.  I've never been real popular, not that I really want to be, but what I'm saying is that I've never had a lot of friends. You on the other hand, are the complete opposite.  You are lively, people are drawn to you.  You have an aura and a magnetism that makes people want to be near  you.  I can't compare with that.  Not that I feel I have to, but do you see what I'm saying?  I've never been very good at the interpersonal relationship thing.  I just wonder if I'm good enough to keep you while I'm away.  I mean, do I have enough to keep you interested for so long?  I'm not worried about you running around on me, I'm worried about you losing interest.  I don't think I'm good enough to keep you interested when I'm not there, and that scares me to death.  I don't know if I can keep the flames from dying.  It's nothing about you.  It's about me and the fact that I've never had a relationship last for more than a year or so.  Knowing that, how can I expect to keep you? I guess a big part of the problem is that I've never ever felt good enough and I never heard it growing up.  I don't rely on others, it's just me.  I take care of myself.  Between this and moving around so much, I never get close to many people.  It's just that much easier to let go that way.  But now I'm faced with a situation where I absolutely had to get close to someone and don't want to let go, ever.  So I don't know what to do.  This is kinda new ground for me, so I have to apologize.  I'm not real sure how to deal with this, so I have kept it to myself, and well, it just kinda exploded the other day.  I'm also sorry about tonight. I meant nothing by it.

God you are so beautiful.

How do I do this?

J

Dearest Heart

Life has not  been getting easier since you've been gone.  I wish I had different words for you to hear.

I still sleep with your pillow.  I still sleep on your side of the bed.  I still put your favourite sheets on the bed just so I can feel the closeness of you.  I still cry myself to sleep at night, not knowing how to diminish the hollowness in my heart.

I haven't been able to clean out your closet or give away your clothes.  It has been years and the familiar smell of you no longer lives there.  I used to lock myself up in there for hours just sitting amongst your things, tying the shoelaces on each pair of shoes you left behind.  I used to put them on my feet and walk around the closet so that it appeared as though you'd been there, searching through your impecably pressed shirts for the perfect one, and asking me about a matching tie. I used to put on your jackets so that I could feel the weight of you around me, holding me again.  Foolish.  I know. 

Dearheart, don't be angry with me for doing these things.  I am trying.  But tonight will not be one of those nights I succeed. 

I am wishing that I will see you soon, despite the sadness I know it will create for those I leave behind here.  But I am selfish and don't want to be reminded of that.  Not tonight. 

Not tonight.

k

Happy Valentines Day, k!

Happy Valentines Day!

There are so many things that I want to say to you.

Strange as it may seem, it is quite true that I (the hopeless, cheesy, old fashioned romantic that I am), have fallen in love with you in a major way. I  realize this happened very fast, but it happened.  You always ask me what it is that I love about you.

I love the way that you can make me smile anytime you want (because I'm always smiling on the inside when you are near), and the way you make my day happy and bright just by being you. I love the smell of your fruit cocktail hair, and the way your eyes sparkle when you smile, and I even love your laugh (that you hate).  I love everything about you, so don't go changing to try and please me.  Because that is impossible;  I couldn't be more pleased.

This may sound like complete corn to you, but so what, it's the way I feel.  I can't really imagine what it would be like without you, though I was thinking about that last night.  I was really scared.  The reason why I didn't say anything for such a long time was because I couldn't.  I couldn't do anything but sit there and shake, because I can't think of anything worse than being without you.  Yeah, I know I've got it bad, but I don't mind because I can't remember the last time I was as happy as I am when I'm with you.  I mean this, straight from the heart.

I love you, dearest k.

Dear J

Darlin',

Thank you dearest for celebrating the July long weekend with me.  I couldn't have picked a lovelier spot than Georgia (well, minus the fire ants of course!), so you did well.  I've only been home for a few hours and I miss you already.  I miss hearing your drawl.  It is adorable.

For a man who doesn't believe in public displays between two people, that sure was an incredibly passionate kiss you laid on me while we were taking the escalator to the parking lot.  I do believe I heard applause.  *laugh*  I can feel the warmth of your hand in mine as we crossed the pristine airport floor, through the airport train, into the parking lot and then finally the car where you had the most beautiful roses waiting for me.  I blush at the thought of parking security tapping on the window asking us to leave.  I guess we were in the car for awhile, weren't we?  Quite deliciously naughty, but I couldn't help myself.  

When we got to the room, what I remember was how intensely you looked into my eyes and said, "did I tell you yet about how much I've truly missed you?" and then you fell to your knees and looked up at me.  I don't know if you meant it or you were just teasing me by being overly dramatic, but I tell you sir, it made my heart leap out of my chest.  God, I missed you. It wasn't as though we were apart forever since our last visit, but I was almost embarrassed to admit it first.  I'm glad you did.

All of our kisses and tender moments keep running through my mind. Holding hands while walking along the riverwalk, splashing like idiots through the backwoods, only to arrive at the black tie affair with the jeep covered in mud.  It was funny seeing the expression on the valet's face as I stepped out with my black evening dress and shoes, and you in your dress uniform, out of the muddiest jeep on the planet!  I wish I could have taken a photo of that.

I can't believe that you remembered that I said (before I arrived in Atlanta) that the only thing I wanted to make sure was done on this trip was eating a Georgia peach.  You laughed and told me that some other state had better peaches (was it California or one of the Carolinas?  I can't recall now).  On our way to the airport, I thought you had forgotten.  But you didn't  We stopped at a farmer's stand, you picked two beautiful and perfect peaches.  We sat at the edge of the road and ate them.  The first bite was so sweet and flavourful.  I caught myself saying that it was the best peach that I have ever eaten, but in reality, I am sure that it wasn't.  It only seems that way because you remembered, you purchased it, and you held it out for my first bite.  Whatever it tasted like, to me, I am sure, it will always be the sweetest peach.

The drive back to the airport was long, hot and humid.  The southern wind was blowing through the jeep and through my dress.  I remember tilting my head back against the seat thinking the heat was too much, when I felt your fingers interlacing with mine.  I didn't open my eyes because I wanted to concentrate on the lines of your hands and commit them to memory.  Who knew when we would ever have that moment back?

I am so terribly afraid that you are the one I have been looking for to spend the rest of eternity, but that you don't feel the same.  What a thing to come to realize on this trip. 

At the gate, you were looking into my eyes so hard I thought you could read every single thought that was running through my mind.  Maybe you could.  The kiss was so tender, so gentle, it was almost a whisper against my lips.  Without another word I got on the plane and left you standing there.  I thought I could still see you standing at the gate as my plane taxied away.

The sweetness still lingers on my lips.  Is it the peach?  Or is it the kiss?

Thank you again.

k

Dearest k

Dearest k,

Hi there!  How are you?  It seems like it's been forever since I saw you last.  It was real hard to get on the plane knowing that you were right there and I was leaving you.  It feels like it has been more than a week.

The week with the **** seemed to last forever.  It wasn't bad though, I loved it.  It's just that every day seemed so long because we were up at 5:45 every morning, and working until 10:30.  Did you ever see that commercial on tv that said that the military does more before 9am than most people do all day?  Well it's true.  It was fun though.  There are a great bunch of people in my unit.  We're all really close now after the last week.  We went through hell together and now we're best friends.  I've tried to call you a couple of times now but haven't been able to get a hold of you.  I miss you and I really want to talk to you.

Hi.  It's now Tuesday and the weekend was really hectic.  Events were scheduled all day long.  People are constantly coming up to me and introducing themselves.  Real friendly.  I've met so many people the last four or five days, I can't even begin to remember who they all are.  I really think I'm going to like it here.  It's a fun place to be.  I wish you could see it, the place is absolutely beautiful, kinda like you.  I have to go right now, I've got another session in 45 minutes and I still have to eat lunch.  I'll write more later.  I love you.

Hi! How are you?  I'm really sorry it's taking me so long to write this letter.  I bet you think I've forgotten you, don't you.  Well, I haven't.  I just haven't had very many opportunities to sit down and write to you.  You wouldn't believe how much reading I've done in the last week.  It seems every **** has a textbook the size of War and Peace.  How are things going for you?  How are things going at my home?  My parents really took a shine to you.  By the way, they are totally rooting for you.  They are constantly telling me what a nice girl you are and how I should be sure and treat you right. Not like I wasn't going to anyway. They like you or they wouldn't have invited you over for dinner and they certainly wouldn't have given you an open ended invite to come over whenever you'd like.  You will have to do that you know.  Keep them close to me that way, okay?

You asked about the weather a couple of times.  On the way to the airport I told you that it was probably dry and hot like a desert, but I was wrong.  It is hot here, there's no two ways about that.  But it is certainly not dry.  It's only rained twice since I've been here, but the humidity is so high here it feels like it's raining all the time.  You know how after it rains on a really hot day, the water will kinda steam off the hot pavement?  It does that here every morning.  You know how when you take a can of soda that's cold outside water forms on the can?  When you do that here, the water forms so fast and in such large amounts, there is a steady drop.  The humidity here is unbelievable.  I've been working out in it every day.  I'm probably getting close to being in the best shape of my life.  I run, cycle or swim every day.  Plus I walk everywhere I go.

It always kinda cracks me up when you ask about the beast.  I don't know why, but it always does.    Nevertheless, I never had an interest in her at all, so don't you worry.  By the way, you are, by your own admission, a cheap date, but not in quite the same way.  I can take you out 12 times for 84cents.  I'll let you figure that one out, but I have a feeling sparks are going to fly about this next time I see you, possibly blue ones.

The first time I saw you up close and in person was at the corner where we used to say our goodbyes.  I was walking from the west to the east and you were going from east to south. You turned left in front of me and we almost bumped into each other.  I had seen your picture before, and remembered you and your name.  I don't remember who you were with that first time or what you were wearing, but I remember it was you.

I'm sorry this is so chopping and taking so long to write but I've got to dash again.  I love you! I really do!

You wouldn't believe how many meetings I have gone to this week.  I've only spent one evening at home since last Thursday and it's tonight, Tuesday.  I tried to call but you weren't home.  I would really like to talk to you some time soon.  We could set up a time for you to call.  By the way, my number is ****.
I do think about you a lot.  You probably have your doubts at this point and I understand that.  I've been listening to the tape of our song a lot.  There are so many memories tied up in that song.  Too many.  Sometimes I get a little misty when I listen to it.  I have your picture on my desk right next to my bed.  I can't stop looking at it.  Z*** took one look at you and said, "wow, she's beautiful!"  I  tried to tell you so many times but you never believed me.  You are you know. I keep expecting you to be down in the hall or somewhere and I'll whip around thinking it was your voice, but it's never you of course.  I just wish it was.  I find myself thinking of you all the time.  I keep wondering what you would think if you saw me marching around in my uniform.  I've got to get someone to take a picture of me so you can see me.  I hear that women go nuts over men in uniforms.  I wonder if you do.  Do you?  We'll just have to find out someday.  I wish it was now.  We could go down to the Gardens and walk by the pond, with the wind blowing through your hair and the sun shining in your eyes.  Just like the old days when we used to go play in the woods.  I love you and miss you so much.

I wish you could know how much I love you, and how much I miss you. I used to think that every move would be as easy as the last, where you could accept the new and file away the past.  This time I just can't do that.  I need you now more than ever, and can't stand being apart from you.  Just remember that no matter how far apart we are, or how long we stay that way, a part of me will always be with you.  I love you.

love
J

Dearest J

My dearest darling,

I'm sitting here at my desk, thinking about you.  You will be back in seven weeks.  Will war have changed you?  I wonder.  Who will be returning to me?

I tried to mail you a card or a letter each week you were gone.  I hope you found it more thoughtful than annoying.  From September, when I dropped you off with all your gear on base, until now, I have been looking forward to your homecoming.  It seemed as though you would be gone for an eternity, and seven weeks still feels like an eternity now.   How could I possibly have missed you this much, and when will my heart stop missing you?  I am so anxious to see you again.  I am so excited at the thought of putting my arms around you and feeling the weight of your chest against me.  Have you been missing me?

I remember the time a few years ago when you called me on a Friday night at 2:30am.  You asked what I was doing, which was a strange question, but you told me to stay put because you were on your way to see me.  I held my breath for those 4 hours until I felt the warmth of your skin next to mine.  I remember your last words to me on Sunday night when you left me was that you were being called and we wouldn't be able to see each other for awhile.  How wise you were then not to tell me until you were leaving.  If you had told me sooner, I know I would have spent our days together crying.  It didn't stop my heart from breaking or my blood from running cold at that moment.

I drove down to your place on the first Sunday after you went away.  It was so strange and surreal to be there without you.  I needed to feel the closeness of you.  I wanted so much to open the door and see you sitting on the sofa, smiling at me with that twinkle in your blue eyes.  I woke up that morning noting the absence of your arms around me, yet surrounded by the familiar sweet smell of the sheets and the smell of you.  Being surrounded by you was exactly what I wanted.  Being surrounded by you was almost more than I could bear.

Seven weeks my darling.  Return to me.  All I can do is continue to move through my days until you are safe.  If I close my eyes and dream, I can taste the salt of your skin mixed with the salt of my tears on the day you come home to me.

always
k

Movie Classics

It's still a story without an ending;  what about now?

 Sometimes when it's late at night and I can't sleep (which happens often), I love finding an excellent, classic movie on TV.

The other night, I was up and it was pretty early. One of my very very most favourite movies was on ... Casablanca.  Ilsa, Rick, Victor, Sam and of course Captain Renault.  All of my favourite friends were there. Good and bad, war and peace, desire for freedom and captivity, and the indifferent (seemingly) handsome man who wants to stay uninvolved and detached but is anything but.  It makes for the classic love story and one that has stuck with me since I saw it when I was 13.

I am a sucker for a love story.  If you've never seen it, it's one that will stay with you.  (I would stop reading here because I warn you ... spoiler alert). Man meets woman, woman falls in love with man, man falls in love with woman.  Man loses woman but doesn't know why, man drinks himself into a stupor. Man moves on by opening a bar, only to have woman walk in one day with her husband.  DAMN!  Why does that always happen??  Indifferent man falls back in love woman and the two of them plan to spend the rest of their lives together while helping woman's husband escape with his life (to his agreement no less in return for his wife's happiness).  Police arrest woman's husband but indifferent man helps get him free.  At the very last moment, indifferent man has woman and her husband freed from Casablanca pretending not to care.  Ah.... l'amour.

He loves her.  I mean LOVES her.  And she loves her husband but she loves indifferent man too.  Torn between two loves, torn between two lives.  I think we can all identify with that.  And of course, a toast to ironic friendships.  I swear, it doesn't get any better than this.

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Dearest k

Dearest k,

How is everything up north?  It is really hot down here.  Up in the high ninety's during the day, and near 100% humidity.  So far it has just been a lot of crap.  We stand around, spend a lot of time in the barracks, change uniforms, and then go stand somewhere else.  These first few days are just in processing, taking care of personnel and medical issues.  We start training in 2 days and it should be better then.  We had to all get physicals today. I was almost disqualified because of my blood pressure.  It was measured at 115/42.  I don't know anything about it, but I hear that's pretty low.  I told the medic that I was jut really relaxed, but he didn't seem to believe me.  Oh well, I got by. 

How are you doing?  I was kinda worried about you after last weekend.  I hope everything is working out okay.  Just please don't do anything rash!  I would hate to see you make a mistake.  I don't want to sound like a nag, but I just don't want anything bad to happen to you.  No matter what you might think, or my numerous letters in the past would indicate, I do care a great deal about you.  I would really like for you to be as happy all the time as you were when you were chasing the plover on Ocracoke.  You are too nice most of the time.  Don't take any crap from anybody (except me of course), especially not C.  Don't let him yell at you anymore.  Decide what you want from him, and then firmly tell him how it's going to be! Be firm!  Be tough!

I've gotta go now, I have to make rounds of the barracks.  I'm on fire guard right now.  These barracks are a serious firetrap.  If one ever caught, it would go up in a heartbeat.  So, we keep someone up throughout the night, rotating in 1 hour shifts.  Every twenty minutes or so, you have to walk around the barracks and make sure there is no fire and that everyone is in their rack.

Feel free to write me here.

J

Obsession

I will admit it.  I won't admit it loudly and openly in a crowded room, but I will admit it here.  I am obsessed with tea.

If you've ever seen my tea cupboard, which is a bit of an understatement,  you will wonder where I ever found so much tea and when I think I will ever finish drinking it all.  I suppose if I drank 3 cups of tea a day, I will never ever finish drinking all the tea that I have in my tea "closet". 

I LOVE tea.  I love having different flavours at my disposal.  I love having the traditional asian oolong, jasmine, genmaicha and matcha teas sitting next to my western Celestial Seasonings tea (you must try Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride when it comes out over the holidays!).  I love having all of my mesh tea balls sitting, screaming to be filled with loose leaf tea, and my timid Honey Bear sitting at the edge just waiting to be huged.  All of it screams comfort and joy to me.  All of it. 

The first time my fiance saw my tea cupboard he just about died.  He didn't know what to say, and to be honest, it was a good year before I even let him open one of the cupboard doors.  He didn't know what to make of my dirty little secret.  To this day, it is something that isn't spoken about.

One of my favourite memories is being out with a dear dear friend who knew of my obsession with tea.  He took me to the most zen of tea houses located (who knew) in Kansas.  Through it's open doors, we could hear the waterfall that was on the back wall, and wandered through walls and walls of the most exquisite teas displayed in beautiful canisters.  Rows and rows of green, black and white teas.  We chose our tea.  It was brought out in delicate glass tea cups and a delicate glass tea pot holding the leaves inside.  Accompanying our tea was a timer.  When it went off, it was time to remove the tea leaves from the water.  Each tea had a specific brew time for optimal flavour.  When my timer beeped, I removed my tea leaves, poured my tea into my cup, inhaled the delicious scent of a perfectly brewed cup, and took a sip.  Heaven.  We stayed for a good hour just talking and drinking tea.  The perfect day.

Yesterday I wandered into the city to one of my favourite places for off the wall teas.  Davids Tea.  Love this place.  It isn't where I'd go to get my matcha tea or hunt for the special uniqueness and delicate flavours of white tea, but for something fun and cheerful to drink, David's is the place.  With my fiance in tow, I unleashed my obsession all over the store and bought way too much tea.

I've had 3 cups so far today, and the day is far from over...

Dearest k

Dearest k,

thank you for letting me spend these last two days with you.  I really enjoyed our time.  I wish we could have just sat and held onto each other without ever stopping.  When I am around you, I feel a compelling desire to never let you go.  It's your fault.  I don't get this way with anyone else.  Maybe it's just my little way of hanging onto you.  If I don't ever let go, I don't ever have to let go.  Understand?  Good. 

Whenever I think about you, I start to weaken.  Do you know how beautiful you are?  Not just your outward appearance, but you're so beautiful inside too.  I always thought that I could fall in love with someone, even if they weren't stunningly beautiful, as long as everything else was there.  But with you, I got everything. 

I can understand why so many people want to be there by your side.  I don't like it, but I can definitely understand it.  If I wasn't with you, I'd be wanting to be.  I just can't believe how lucky I am to have you.  What is it?  Why am I chosen over all the other guys?  Why am I the lucky one?  I know you've already answered that, but I like hearing it.  I am glad that you did pick me. 

I can't believe how important you've become to me.  I can't believe how much I've grown to love you.  I love you more than anything in the world.  You said it scares you how "fond" of me you've become.  Well, I almost don't want you to know how much I love you, for fear of scaring you away.  I don't want to scare you, but I've got a pretty serious case of it.  The reason I keep thinking about the future with you is that somewhere in the back of my mind I want it to happen.  What scares me is that it's not that far back in my mind.  I don't know what you've done to me, but I'm fairly irrevocably smitten by your charming ways, and I hope you don't stop. 

I love you k, I don't know if I've ever been able to say that as truthfully as when I say it to you.

Love J

Dear Jhames

Dear J,

it has been years since you were taken from me, and yet this morning, when I awoke, I found my leg drifting over to your side of the bed, seeking warmth.  I despise mornings that begin that way. 

I muddled my way through the morning ritual (I can no longer call it our morning ritual) and find myself here now, getting ready to walk out the door with my coffee and keys in hand.

I miss our morning kiss.

Stay safe, wherever you are.

k

hiding crazy

There are things we do and parts of us that we hide away from others.  Lets just call them the crazies.  Now, these things aren't necessarily things that we need to seek psychiatric help for by any means, but they are just things that we do in private that don't need to be shared by anybody else in this world. The way I like to think of them would be my "little indulgences".

I have always lived alone.  I've had 3 roommates ever in my life since I moved out of my parents' house at 19.  My parents were great.  They never sifted through my room, or rummaged through my belongings.  Privacy was well respected at home.  I lived alone through university with the exception of my second year of undergraduate studies, and two semesters during graduate studies.  I'm not sure if I would consider sharing 1 bathroom in a room of 6 women at the research station during my graduate studies roommates, so I'm not going to count them.  Things are about to change drastically.

I am getting married this year.  Yes.  Something that I had not planned on, but am thrilled about.  And now, within a year, I am going to have to share my indulgences with somebody else.  Dear God, please help me.

Happy 2010

I started 2010 surrounded by my sister, her husband, my fiance and my beautiful 3 year old and 8 week old nephews in New York City. It was fun and festive and lovely. I could not have imagined a better start to the year.

2009 was not at all what I thought it would be. It was marred by sad events, deaths of people I loved, endings of relationships, realizations about people who I thought would be at my side forever. All of which are lessons that I will keep close to me and learn from in order not to repeat them. If I sit in bitterness and not learn anything, that would just be time wasted that I will never get back.

As 2010 brings new beginnings, life changing events, I will keep challenging myself to be better. I will keep challenging myself to be loving, considerate and empathetic. I will keep challenging myself to push and heal physically so that I can return or at least get closer to normal functioning. I will keep challenging myself to be the friend that I would want to have, the sister, the daughter, the granddaughter and the future wife that I know everyone would want to have. I will be true to myself and live my life without any shame, regret or sadness. Each day will hold a new adventure and I will look forward to them with a smile on my face.

2010. I am already in love with you.